I have been perusing some other TCK's blogs recently. It astounds me that there are people I have never met that can express my thoughts better then I can.
Dreaming of Hanoi describes what it is like to itch and yearn to travel again; "It is ambition--to travel, to see and be seen, to meet and love and revel in all the riches of the world--that so plague me"
Dreaming of Hanoi describes what it is like to itch and yearn to travel again; "It is ambition--to travel, to see and be seen, to meet and love and revel in all the riches of the world--that so plague me"
Most days I try and stifle my ambition. Everything about my life is so mundane and English. Oh to be struggling with the cultural norms of another culture - I thrive on things being uncertain. I think that the level of certainty in normal life panics me a little. Bear with me here, because this doesn't actually make any logical sense. Mundane life (everything being the same, understanding cultural norms, etc.) creates an uneasiness inside of me. If I understand the cultural norms, that means that I have to adhere to them. When being in a new, exciting culture your soul and mind is free. You are who you are - You find out things about yourself that disappear in normal life. I suppose I find normality to be somewhat like hibernation. There is no need to think or feel - you can function on auto-pilot. When thrown into a situation, that is when you find out who you are, what you feel, and what your soul is telling you.
Capische?
Me neither.
My adult life has been shaped so much by England. My mannerisms are that of an English girl. I am reserved, polite, emotionally-retentive. I am also an American girl. I understand most cultural aspects of America - My time in Manila made me quite American - would you believe it? To the untrained ear, I sound American.
It's strange to have roots in such opposite cultures - how would you ever be able to 'go home'? I ache to 'go home' and smell the hot melting tarmac and burning tires of Manila. At the same time I long to get lost in warm scented fields, light-green forests and bask in the half-sun next to the lapping Rhine.
Everything becomes complicated. A simple question 'where are you from' brings so many emotions. Firstly, how do you answer that? If I actually venture an answer I hold my breathe in anticipation of their reaction. You can usually tell within seconds whether you will like them or not. One sure-fire way to know that you will not be fast friends is a retort such as 'Philippines.. that's Jewish right? From the Bible?'
WHAT? And secondly, WHAT?!
It also panics me to write about this. How can I express it? How can it be transposed from my heart into cold in-flexible type head? My feelings are much too complicated. And my thoughts are far too mixed up. It would be so easy to misunderstand me - I love all countries that I represent. In one way, I do not miss having a 'home'. I am lucky to have many. It is strange the places that I have found myself feeling that I am at 'home'.
"Like many TCKs, I am not really sure where home is... Over the years, I’ve come to realize that I feel most at “home” when I’m with other TCKs and expats. Home, therefore, is not so much a place, but the sense of belonging I feel when I’m around people who understand me." (Dreaming of Hanoi)
7 comments:
I find it difficult to respond to this one. So much of what you wrote, I totally get, and I'm really glad that you tried to put it into words. You expressed it really well.
And then there are ways that I've come to deal with some of it, too, and I'm finding I'm able to move on to other things. But I haven't explained it very well even to myself yet. I'm not sure how yet. Maybe it needs to roll around in my head more.
Things that resonated most loudly:
Feeling like I'm in hibernation. When I visit you, I feel like a part of me is waking up or coming back alive.
Feeling most at home with other TCKs because we can relate on a different level.
Not liking to say where I'm from, combined with the fear of losing parts of myself / the world.
Restlessness - have you noticed how many times I've moved?
By the way, that wikipedia article is right on.
Your family has had so many experiences that the rest of us haven't. I like my stable life here in our culdesac, but I can understand your feeling of wanderlust. I can remember one time when Allison said it was good to know that there was going to be this house to always come "home" to, no matter where she was living at the time. I hope she still feels this way!
Your dad sometimes gets feelings like you describe - of the frustration of hibernation, or the need to travel, experience other places/cultures. Although he travels a lot, it is not the same as living there. Maybe we'll have to take off somewhere when we retire, but I hope it's not before then!
You stretch my thinking and understanding. This was good stuff, Rachel, and I don't have anything profound to say. But my mind is mulling over your words.
I think you write poignantly about TCK life; I find that often the truth comes out when we aren't even blogging about TCK stuff directly but when we're expressing seemingly unrelated joys and frustrations. I am so happy to have found your blog.
Could you do me a big favor? I was hoping to leave a comment on Allison's blog, but it only allows member comments; could you pass on the following message?
To Allison: Gosh, I feel like you're my soul sister or something: a TCK in Colorado dreaming of rain and who loves literature. For a second I had to make sure this wasn't an old blog I started and forgot about!
Thanks!
thanks guys so much for the response! i didn't think that i expressed my thoughts very well, but they must have come across better then i thought :)
Preya - Thanks for visiting and I have passed the message on to Allison!
I was interested to read the comments on this one, Rachel. When you moved back to England you were afraid of becoming too English, remember? I don't think you are, however. You are a great blend of all the places you have called home.
Consequently, your brother (who feels similar, if I recall) passed on this unbelonging / belonging everywhere feeling to me a long time ago. I am American - but not quite. It bothers me. And the longer I'm here without leaving (going on 4 years) I get nervous.
I suppose it's lucky that many people who know me now always tell me that I don't seem at all like a girl from Oklahoma.
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