Lack of sleep (yes, I didn't knock on enough wood yesterday after writing the post...) caused me to shed a weepy tear or two after reading this poem.

Mother, oh Mother,
come shake out your cloth,
empty the dustpan,
poison the moth,
Hang out the washing
and butter the bread,
sew on a button and make up a bed.

Where is the mother whose house
is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery,
blissfully rocking.
Oh, I've grown shiftless as Little
Boy Blue (lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping's not done
and there's nothing for stew
and out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
but I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren't her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing
will wait till tomorrow,
for Children grow up,
as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs.
Dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep......

A corner

I really don't want to speak too soon - but. Something is going right. The past couple of days, it's been... normal? I went to the doctors with Milo yesterday for his third round of injections, and.. Well. I was sat in the waiting room and realised - I didn't feel panicked. I didn't feel overtired. I didn't feel like I could hyperventilate or start crying at any second. My heart wasn't racing. I felt like I was sat in the doctor's waiting room with Milo.

It felt good!

I sound slightly crazed, I'm sure, but the past 4 months has been pretty hardcore. I know every mother goes through it, but seriously. My son eats a lot, and for me this basically has meant constant feeding, and as soon as we arrived anywhere - he wanted to eat!!! I was always super paranoid he would cry and not stop in public, constantly paranoid someone would look down on me as a mother because 'they knew better' etc. etc. I think I would have gotten to this point sooner, but I got sick, and Milo got sick. I had a BAD virus, Milo had BAD bronchiolitis where he couldn't breathe. Everything stopped progressing and I became panicked mother from hell..

Phew. It feels so good. I feel like something is going right, something has clicked. I'm no longer in automatic baby-looking-after mode, I'm Rachel with a baby. Phew and breathe deep.

And then I was preggo.

To mark the day that Milo rolled over (front to back) and in honour of being days away from when I found out I was pregnant, I want to write down as many things as I can about weird/funny/memorable things about while I was pregnant. Because I forget things easily, and it's nice to remember these things. A lot of these things to do with drink or food, I didn't actually realise till after I was pregnant.

• I drank fizzy orange all the time. Soda and cordial at home, Fanta or Tango while out and about. Couldn't get enough of the stuff. Didn't wanna drink anything else. Cordial and still water would not do. Coke was okay, blackcurrant and sparkling water - no way! Everything else was not good enough.
  
  
• I wanted to eat cheeseburgers all the time. I was so happy that on my last day being pregnant, me and my co-workers went to The Diner - best burger and chips of my life. Seriously. Best food of my life, MAYBE.
  
  
• I didn't have cravings, per se - I just wanted fatty stuff. Anything fatty would do. I only realised this after I had stopped being pregnant, though. I ate a lot of mayonnaise, a lot of sausages, a lot of stodge. I always wanted burgers, I always wanted chips/fries. Many times, I even had sausage sandwiches. Seriously. With mayonnaise.
  
  
• When I drank fizzy drinks, Milo would move. He seemed to like fizzy drinks.
  
  
• The first time I felt Milo move (or actually 100% realised it was him), I was 14 weeks along. I was lying on my back in bed, I had my hand on my stomach and I felt a little poke. Like a finger poke from the inside. Thing is, I felt it on the outside. Conrad was in the other room and I shouted him to come in saying "I FELT THE BABY KICK!" I could tell he didn't believe me, so I made him put his hand on my stomach and wait.... 2 minutes later, HE FELT IT TOO! It was amazing. So the first time I felt Milo, Conrad felt him too. That made me, and still makes me, happy.
  
  
• I didn't really start properly showing till at least 6 months. I only really looked pregnant pregnant when I was around 7 months. I was upset about this - I wanted to be big! I was jealous of friends who were as far along as me and bigger. I hear this changes with the second pregnancy, so we shall see!
  
  
• I don't know if it's because I didn't start showing till quite late, but I never got sick of being pregnant. I kept getting told that by the end I would be ready for the little guy to just GET OUT! But I never had even a second of that. It was a surprise to go into labour when I did, so maybe if I had been pregnant a little longer, I would have felt it. But I never got sick of it - I truly loved being pregnant.

• I could always see my toes. I could always get up.
  
  
• By the end, I had BAD heartburn. When I bent over, when I lay down - it was bad. Gavisgon just made me feel sick. I lived on Tums. Tums every other second. If I didn't have Tums, I was screwed and I had to get to a chemist, quick. One of the first things I remember thinking after Milo came out (or that day) was "Hey - I don't have heartburn anymore!!"
  
  
• I cycled 6 miles to work and 6 miles back throughout my pregnancy, everyday, up until I was 34 weeks pregnant and started getting high blood pressure. I even carried on then, but my doctor told me to stop, purely because "she wouldn't want me going into labour on the side of the road". So, I stopped. And if people are going to get all hoity toity about me not protecting my unborn son - seriously? Crossing the road is more dangerous, and what about letting your child sit on the back of the bike? Just as dangerous. What about a child riding a bike? Just as dangerous. More people get knocked over crossing the road in London then ever get knocked over on a bike - and whether you like to think it or not, cyclists do have control over these things. There are safe ways to ride, just don't be stupid.
  

• I could feel Milo moving almost constantly after a while, he was a big mover and shaker. Still is. He also got the hiccups a lot. He still does.
  
  
• Conrad would sing to my stomach every night. Mostly Harry Nilsson. When Conrad sings those songs now, Milo seriously loves it. Seriously.
  
  
• A couple weeks before I gave birth, I went to start the car and it wouldn't start. Without thinking, I thought "the gas has run out". I proceeded to get the gas bucket (or whatever it's called), grab my umbrella in the pouring rain, and shlep to the garage to get some gas. I then shlepped back, tried to put it in and couldn't - an hour and a half later, I finally went to Conrad for help. He was shocked and appalled that I had tried to do this all on my own. I hadn't once thought that because I was heavily pregnant I should perhaps get some help. I was silly.

• I didn't know anybody else (that I know nearby) that was pregnant, or know anybody else with babies or children. My friend at work who doesn't have children knew way more than me about everything. She threw me a baby shower, and one of the games you had to name different things like 'cradle cap' 'breast pads', etc... I had no idea what any of these things were. She looked at me, scared, and the worst thing was - I was holding back about how much I didn't know. I didn't know ANYTHING. Luckily we were scheduled in for some 'parenting classes' which basically saved our lives. Three sessions that taught us everything we needed to know about giving birth and the first few weeks with baby. All I know is down to that wonderful, god-sent midwife.
  

• I felt beautiful being pregnant. I felt more beautiful than I had my whole life. As a person with quite low self esteem, this was a big deal. I looked at myself in the mirror everyday and really liked what I saw.

• I didn't have morning sickness. Or sickness. I was so lucky. I went by the whole pregnancy without the whole 'I have to puke' thing. I felt so, so lucky.
  
  
• I stayed off from work the day I found out I was pregnant. I truthfully stayed off because I thought I might be, and I wanted to take a test at home. I was pregnant and I had to wait until Conrad got home to tell him. I made beef stroganoff (one of his favourites) and hoped to tell him over dinner. I couldn't wait that long. Dinner was almost ready, he was watching 'Grand Designs' on TV and I asked him what happened with his day. He said not a lot. I said 'do you want to ask me what I did?' and he said 'okay... how was your day?' I said 'I bought a pregnancy test'. He said 'and are you?' and i said 'yes!'... HAHA. Very weird and uneventful. It took a while for it to sink in for him (and for me, I think!)

• I only took one test.
  

• For the first 3 months, I didn't drink caffeine. It almost killed me. I thought maybe this would help me go off of it - or something - but it just made my love/addiction that much stronger. I didn't get used to it, I didn't wake up in the morning fully - I just felt dazed and confused. I love coffee. It loves me. We're getting married.
  

• We announced my pregnancy to all our friends and Conrad's surprise 30th birthday party. It felt so special. One of our close friends said "Ladies and gentlemen - RACHEL SHARP!" and everyone clapped. One of the funniest and loveliest moments ever.

• I used bio-oil every night before bedtime on my stomach and back. It worked for me - no stretch marks. Highly expensive, but highly recommended. Worth every penny.
  
  
• I went off of garlic. This was tragic for me. I love garlic! But I just didn't want it, it made me feel sick. And even if Conrad had garlic and I could faintly smell it on him, I hated it. Yuck. Gladly, this has now disappeared and my love affair with the smelly stuff is back in full force.

Well, that's all I can think of for now. I want to add to this, so I may just keep coming back whenever I think of anything. I really don't want to forget - I know that every pregnancy is different, and this one was so special because it was my first. I loved it, and I want it to be kept firmly in my heart.