Combustion

I'm officially about to combust. My brain and my heart can no longer hold all of the things in them that the need to. Right now I'm thinking about:

• A work trip to India I will be taking in 10 days. Without Milo. I had to get a fastrack passport due to loosing my old one. This was stressful and expensive. I'm still waiting for my India visa, which is stressful and expensive (thankfully I'm not paying for that one). I will be without Milo. I have to book the flights, and at 18 weeks pregnant I do not want to do connecting flights to Dubai. Oh please help me Lord. The only other option is £500 more expensive - I can't get a charity to pay for that.
  
• I am 16 weeks pregnant. I'm happy - but it entails migraines and sickness and fussiness and I am one hormonal mess. I wish I could be nicer to my husband.
  
• My department is going through a massive re-shuffle. This means that I can apply internally for a manager job I have wanted for a very long time. This means I'm competing against one of my friends. This means if I don't get it, I could technically be managed by somebody I have managed before. This is not ideal. The application deadline is the day before I go to India. The job interviews are the days after I get back from India.

My brain is fried. I don't want to miss halloween with my toddler. I don't want to miss anything he is doing. I don't want to be stressed. I don't want to go away. I want to be seen as competent at work. I don't want to feel sick anymore. I would very much like October and November to disappear and get me to Christmas where I can concentrate on my family and be over all of these shenanigans.

More than anything, I don't want to be a selfish woman who cannot see all of the blessings and miracles she has in her life. I don't want to be a pregnant witch. But I am. 

Thankful

I am big worrier. Worrying can take over my life, my daily tasks, can take over everything I feel or think. When something is on my mind, it sets my day up. I can’t see joy, I can’t lift myself out of the slog that I am walking through.

This week I have been making a conscious effort to think differently. On Sunday, I heard something I truly needed to hear. Instead of worrying, lift up your thoughts and be thankful.

I worry my child doesn't eat enough nutritious food.

I am thankful my son lives in a home where he doesn't go hungry. He can ask for water, or juice, or milk and I don’t have to give him something I know will make him sick. He can ask for a banana or some toast and there is plenty for his growing bones to feast on. I am thankful.

I worry our internet has been cut off and we can’t pay the bill.

I am thankful we have internet at all. We know we will pay the bill at some point. We have phones to keep in touch with each other and with our families.

I worry I don’t have any clothes to wear.

I am thankful I have drawers and wardrobes bursting with clothes I CAN wear. I am thankful I have enough to give away.

I worry because we have to get a show-reel done for Conrad in the next 2 months.
I am thankful that he has the opportunity to get an agent. That he's had acting work. That there is progress. Thankful that he has a passion. Thankful that he works hard and focuses on family first.

I worry I won’t get the promotion I'm going for.

I am thankful I have a job. I am thankful I work in an industry that’s really pretty hard to get into, and hundreds of people work for free just to get a foot in the door. I am thankful I have a regular wage and I can pay rent. I am thankful that my boss believes in a good work/life balance and supports me having a family and flexible working. I am thankful I actually enjoy my job.

The list continues on, but I just need to re-shift my brain and heart and be ever so thankful. I live in a city that is amongst the richest in the world. I was born in a privileged position; I am not looked down on for my gender or for the colour of my skin. I have a loving husband and a healthy son, with a healthy baby on the way. I work and I eat well. My body is healthy, and I have world-wide family of love that I know I can count on for anything.

Thank you God for all you have given to me.