Note to me

You are more sure about who you are now. You know what you like, you know what you don’t like. Be certain and go forward with realistic ideas of what you want yourself to be like.

Discard the baggage: Get rid of all the crap. Clear out your wardrobe of all those things you think you might wear ‘at some point’. Get rid of your issues. You know your bad points, don’t focus on them. Throw them out. Have a moment and truly decide what you want to take forward. What did you not do in your 20s that you want to do still? That new tattoo? Dye your hair blonde? Now’s the time to do it. You’re a grown up. You haven’t changed your mind, it’s going to happen. Why wait any longer?

Cling to the people you love. Not ‘cling’ in that weird needy way , but hang on to those you love. They’re still with you, you still love them. They get you now. Make it so you will be friends for longer: Invest. Show them you care about their friendship and you’re a trustworthy kinda gal. No more game-playing, be a truly inspiring person to be around.

Make realistic plans but dream big. You know what you’re good at now, so focus on your good points. Those things you’re not so good at and you don’t really like doing? Maybe we get rid of those now. Spend more time focusing on what makes you YOU. What can you contribute? How can you help people? How can you make our world better? What makes you stand out? Do it. Do it well, and make plans for how to carry on doing it into the future.

Dream big and make it happen. You’re 30. You are an adult. You can do what you want. NO REALLY. You can do what you want. You choose to be with your husband, you choose to be a mother, you choose to live where you live. These are choices you made for a reason. Move on with these, don’t get complacent. You want a change? You make it happen. Realistically plan your big dreams. Step by step: Baby bites – what do you have to do to get there? You’re doing pretty well, but keep your dreams alive. Don’t get lost in the small stuff.

Work on the important bits. Your relationships, your health, your mind and your body. Be hard-working because you will never regret it. Don’t be a cheater, don’t be a liar. Live up to who you want to be and be the person you want to be proud of.

Talk to your parents, talk to your siblings. Make the time. Life goes on, but they are precious to you. You love them. They love you. Show it more.

It is never too late. Every year something new and surprising can happen. Live like you’re excited, look forward to every day. Don’t count down the hours. Every hour is special and only you can make it that way. Use your brain, use your feelings. Be sensitive, be wise. BE YOU.

Don’t be embarrassed. It’s time to not care. Stop trying to be cool. The coolest people are the ones who don’t have to try. So maybe you’re not the prettiest, so maybe you’re not the most intelligent, so maybe you don’t have the longest hair or the cutest butt. You will not be the one with all the cool dresses and the millions of shoes, you are not boho, you are not glamorous. If you dress up, feel hot. If you dress down, feel comfy. Take good pictures, spend time pampering. It’s not about what people think, it’s about who you are. Besides – your husband thinks you’re hot. That’s good enough. Be the best of who you are and there’s something in that. Nobody wants a carbon copy of a cool person. Besides, remember: You’re 30. We’re past that now.

Sing more. Run more. Buy more candles. Write more. Use longer words. Listen to more music. Laugh more. Relax more. Kiss more. Talk more. Buy nice pens. Acquire some art. Wear your hair down. Wear more nail polish. Bake. Think.

Breathe deep.

Last day of my twenties

Today is the end of my twenties. I feel a lot stronger about this than I ever thought I would. 30 is.... an adult. 30 is seriously an adult. I am not an adult. I seriously do feel like I'm pretending and the 14 year old teenager inside me is giggling away, excited that she's getting away with the pretense.

My 20s saw me starting and finishing university, working at Starbucks, solidifying my addiction to caffeine, meeting my best friend, working with my best friend, moving in with my best friend, having my best friend live in a different city, eating lots of chocolate, waitressing, moving in with my boyfriend, getting proposed to by my boyfriend in Paris, marrying my boyfriend, moving into a house with my husband, deciding to have a baby, having a baby, being proud of myself, cutting a fringe, growing my fringe out, dying my hair blonde, dying my hair red, gaining lots of weight, getting pale and pasty, losing lots of weight (post wedding..DOH.), learning that I enjoy cycling, cycling to work, moving to London, loving London, temping in the city, being a legal secretary, working for a national charity, being a trustee of a charity, attending interviews and breaking my heart, working for an international children's charity, going out, discovering how much I love eating out, wearing heels and walking home from nights out, wearing bangles, wearing massive hoop earrings, going to a family wedding in Japan, organising a work trip to India, falling in love with India, opening a school in Namibia, falling in love with Namibia, interrailing twice with my boyfriend, falling in love with red wine and duck in France, eating too much cream and wine in Italy, souvlaki and sunshine in Greece, taking a 24 hour ferry, honeymooning in Greece, holidayed in Tunisia, Gran Canaria, playing games to waste time, tapas-ing and sangria in Spain, camping, taking driving lessons, taking my driving test, passing my driving test, buying a Classic Mini, driving a classic mini, buying a Jeep Cherokee, driving a Hate Tank (Jeep Cherokee), visiting family in America, buying my wedding dress in America, carrying my wedding dress as hand luggage home, being pregnant, seeing many plays, watching my husband act, loving my husband, watching my baby grow, creating a family, wanting a dog, buying a dog, loving a dog, being annoyed at my dog, missing the Philippines, missing people, missing my family, discovering Skype, joining Facebook, writing a blog, taking millions of photos, learning I love to jog, discovered black eyeliner, stopped going to church, started going back to church, discovered the importance of extended family, trust myself, fell in love with folk music, watched lots of movies, watched Lost and 24, watched every episode of Friends, got bored of Friends…….

And here I am turning 30. A lot can happen in a decade.

Shallowness

Why, sometimes, am I weirdly jealous of people I have no real reason to be jealous of?

Why do I look at their pictures and get lost in a world of 'I wish I was....'.

In truth, I don't want to be anyone else or look like them, or have blonde hair, or have curly hair, or be short, or be able to wear 4 inch heels, or be able to lead a band as a singer, to be that confident or be outgoing and silly and whimsical and talented and .....

Oh yeah, I do.

Time to grow up? I think so. Just tell my juvenile jealousy that.

The job situation

I got an interview for that job I wanted. I didn't get it. Which is gutting, and demoralising, and all things that make you feel like crawling up in your flannel sheets and feather duvet and saying 'no' to life for a little while.

I had a week to prep, and prep I did. I gave a 10 minute presentation which I KNOW was amazing. The interview went so well. In my prep work, I covered all grounds for potential questions and what the best thing to say would be. I rounded the troops - gathered information from people who knew more than me. I had an army of 'you can do it's!' behind me.

I'm gutted because it was perfect. Well, at least right now I feel like it was. It was a huge step up for me, but one that I realise now I am MORE than ready to take. I want it. I want to work hard, to make a difference, I really really thought I had it in the bag.

A couple of things - I know that I gave them a lot to think about during the interview. I'm good at reading people, and they liked me. There was a vibe in the room. We were on the same page. We were throwing ideas back at each other, there was a buzz.

At the end of the interview, asking a few questions about the organisation and asking the trustee the reasons behind her working for the charity, I mentioned flexible working and family friendly policies. Their faces dropped. I know that legally they are not allowed to take motherhood into consideration while hiring someone, but I'm pretty sure the rejection of me had something to do with that. I do understand that whoever succeeded in getting the role will have had more experience, perhaps gave a better interview ---- but I just had the feeling the whole way through that it was going well. You know, when you know? I don't meant to be cocky. But then I came out with the mother thing and I could see it wasn't going to happen.

So I came home and held my son, cuddled him close and wondered if I shouldn't have mentioned anything. By law, if you are hired by someone and you apply for flexible working, they have to give it to you unless there is some reason they can't. And it has to be a pretty valid reason. I thought to myself 'should I have kept it on the down-low till they offered me the job?'..

I looked at Milo and guilt clenched my insides. How could I neglect to mention him? How could I pretend he didn't exist? I need a job where I'm not only allowed to talk about him, but they are more than willing to let my motherhood be a part of who I am and the job that I do. There's no way I'm keeping silent about my boy like there is something to be ashamed of. You know what? I'm a mom, and I can do this job, and I'm allowed to work different hours because I will rock at it, because I am the best candidate, and YOU KNOW WHAT? Milo makes me the better candidate and a better person.

So, yes the job was perfect. Everything about it seemed so right for me, and I wanted it so very badly. But this is life, and I move on and I get over it and I look at my family and my home and I breathe deeply and stop. Life is all of this that I have. Be alive and live in that.

The thing about motherhood is...

What I wasn’t expecting was to fall absolutely head over heels, infatuation-type love with my baby. I was full of excited adrenaline. I couldn’t sleep for 2 days, even though I’d been through labour and really quite frankly needed to. I wanted to watch him sleep. I wanted to hold him really close to me. I wanted to cuddle and snuggle and be with him every second of the day and night.

I suppose it is the hormones, but really – it feels amazing. That’s one thing people don’t tell you about becoming a mother. You hear of sacrifice, of diapers, of no sleep, of the trials and tribulations. But you know what’s crazy? And please believe me when I say this because I’ve never meant anything more in my entire life:

You are so in love with this bundle that you would do ANYTHING for them and it is not difficult. Poop, sick, no sleep… I did not for the life of me care one bit. This little guy was my new everything.

There are a couple weird things that have to factor in to this. For one, your new relationship with your partner. This was a humdinger. They tell you your relationship changes - but it’s really quite difficult to explain, and it truly is not a negative change. But, there is another little being in your relationship. Another person that both of you love with all of your hearts/souls/minds. This is strange; particularly if you’ve been in a relationship for a long time (I had been with my hubby for 11 years). We were used to being each other’s ONE. We were in it together; we loved each other as no other. But then this little guy came along and I was instantly IN LOVE. There were now two, and for the first few months of a tiny baby’s life, it’s difficult to figure out how to ‘split’ your love in two.

Another weird thing I’ve been thinking is that when we have another baby – how will I love it as much as Milo? I don’t think there is physically enough love in the world for me to love more. How is it going to be possible? I’ve been told that it just happens, but in a weird, worried way, I think I can’t possibly love another human being the way I love Milo. The love is so instantaneous, so overwhelming that it is just a part of me. I can never complain, I can never get annoyed, I can never not want to be with him. He is the best thing ever. Period.

So for those who want to know what it’s like to have a baby: It’s like falling in love. It’s pure, it’s beautiful, it’s heart-wrenching, it’s all-consuming. You can’t eat, you’re full of excitement and wonder, you cry easily and often. Your heart opens and grows and explodes with the love that now comes easily to you. And you suddenly realise you have to be the best you FOR THEM. And you are more than willing to do it for the rest of your life.

Yeah, that didn't work.

So much for blogging once a day....

Today I am

• Organizing a baby shower for my sis-in-law for Saturday (nothing like procrastinating on important family stuff).
  
  
• Looking after my sick and teething (molars) son.
  
  
• Working from home (copy-writing, editing).
  
  
• Craving an eggnog latte. Can't be bothered leaving the house.
  
  
• Trying to not think about unpayable bills.
  
  
• Neglecting my poor dog (who hasn't been out on a walk for.... I don't know how long)
  
  
• Designing a Christmas card for the charity I volunteer for.
  
  
• Searching high and low for the snot-sucker I lost last night to suck bucket-loads of snot from my son's nose.
  
  
• Anxiously wondering how long after the closing date of the job I applied for (today) I may or may not hear from them about an interview.
  
  
• Feeling guilty that my child hasn't been to the park or anything play-orientated since he's been sick and since I've used him being sick as an excuse to stay inside.
  
  
• Checking Facebook way too much.
  
  
• Mainly eating toast because there's literally nothing else for me to eat (don't worry, my child is eating well).
  
  
• Yet again putting off listening to CD selection a dear friend gave me for my listening pleasure (only 3 months ago).
  
  
• Leaving no time for my brain or emotions or anything like that. (What am I, superwoman?)

SAHM Wednesday

Today was my mommy day. How did I celebrate this? Well, mainly by keeping my PJs on (ALL DAY.. check me out!), making Milo laugh by chasing him around the house, de-fleaing my dog (this was definitely my highlight) and generally bumming around and drinking far, far too much coffee. We did not leave the house, and I am not sorry.

I am sat here, smelling the garlicy, parsley-y chicken Conrad is cooking and getting ready for some couch potato action. Right now Spotify is playing Lana Del Ray, next up is Florence & The Machine. I love my peaceful kitchen. When I'm sat here at the wooden table and old-fashioned church chairs, I feel all is mostly well in the world. It's cozy, it's homey, it smells good and it's already full of memories of too-long dinners and breaking of dawn breakfasts with Milo. A family lives here, and I love each and every one of them.

I leave you with Cheeky McCheekerston:

Job me up, baby.

So I’m gonna do this thing where I try and write everyday for the month of November. I miss writing, and maybe doing this will help my brain get out of the mode of survival.

Onwards and upwards!

On my mind today are lots of applications I am writing. I’m aiming high, but am nervous about the whole, “you’ll let me work 4 days a week though – right?” thing. My plan is to ace the interview and when they decide they love me and can’t have anyone else, I drop the bomb. The way I see it, it’s the charity world and they would be getting a quality candidate for less money, so they win – right? POSITIVITY PEOPLE!

It’s getting darker and darker outside. I have to use the lights on my bike, and driving through Banker a-hole I-own-this-town London is never pretty. But at least I’m working off the kilos of chocolate I have become used to devouring on a daily basis.

Oh – that’s another thing. Milo has stopped breastfeeding (for the most part) and the calories that used to go straight to his little chubby cheeks are now going straight to my less than adorable chubby cheeks (down there). I was so proud of my weight loss post-baby that I didn’t think about the chocolate addiction I was feeding, and the massive crash of self esteem that was inevitable.

More on that another day.

So, yes – I am applying for jobs. I’m aiming high. Every job application has to be different though, if you want to make your mark. There is one particular one I am DYING TO GET. I should not get my hopes up. The way you get jobs is to apply for everything willy-nilly and one will eventually reply. I am in love with this job. This is not the way it was meant to go down. I almost don’t want to send the application in so I don’t have my hopes quashed. But my present job has become – shall we say – less than desirable. The negativity and silence that is my workplace at the moment does nothing for my bluesy November-feeling.

So here’s to nothing, folks. Here’s to being the best girl there is for the job.

Monday morning

I’m feeling slightly thwarted at the moment. I’m trying desperately to put into practice ‘mind over matter’. If I think things are a certain way, then they are that way. Am I being vague? Yes, that is deliberate.

I have become easily intimidated. By people who have the appearance of having it together, of being able to put across an intelligent point. My brain is mush, I’m tired, my mind is somewhere else… I feel like I want to do everything I need to do well, but I’m just not quite doing anything at all. I want to be a loving, intelligent, thoughtful, hard-working person. I feel there are too many things to do, too many things to think about, too many problems to solve. My head is near explosion. So I am intimidated by those who have the time to think, have the time to sit and make lists about what needs to be done. I don’t even have the headspace for that. I feel like I am unable to be the person I want to be. A good mother, a loving and kind wife, a hard-worker, a clean, positive, well-thought out person, a thoughtful friend, a happy and earnest volunteer, a Godly, giving woman who knows what she believes and what she is doing. Someone who can take a joke and can see things light-heartedly, brings joy to a room.

Instead, I feel lazy and tired and thoughtless and powerless and stretched. I feel haggard and ugly and unable to do any of the things I need to and want to do. I feel inarticulate, unproductive and silly.

So there it is. Let this be the start of mind over matter: I am a good person and I will do my best today to be what I want and who I should be.

What I love about Conrad

• He is imaginative, creative. He thinks of things in a different way than your average person. He comes up with solutions to problems, he finds a way around things. He can make a boring day exciting, he can conjure up games to play, or things to do that a new, fresh and exciting.
  
  
• He is handy. He is no normal DIYer. He can fix your whole house. He fixes our house, he hangs things, makes things, creates things, creates solutions to storage problems, makes things look prettier, puts all the things I've broken back together again. I say I would like something someday and he stores it away in his brain only to create something like it and show me as a surprise.
  
  
• He is crazy talented. He is an actor, and a good one. He's one of the rare few that really move you when you should be moved, and really make you laugh when something is funny. He is incredibly watchable, incredibly raw, and rare in his industry. All that work with him know this, all that have been lucky enough to be his director knows how much he brings to every show he is in. His ideas are original, bright, different. He is the actor I measure every other actor on earth by. He is subtle, he is outrageous, and he deserves to be doing what he loves and is good at every day.
  
  
• He is a hard worker. He never quits. His favourite holiday EVER was when we went to build a school in Africa and he could work every single day from 7am till 6pm, hard manual labour. He truly loved it, he hates to have a day of doing nothing. He will do any job you ask him to, and he will do it well. He won't do a quick job, he will make it the best he can for you. He is not afraid of work, he is not afraid to get his hands dirty.
  
  
• He is a gentleman. This is one of the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place. He lives by the rule "always walk on the roadside of a lady", he helps people with heavy bags, he shovels icy driveways for the lady upstairs, he will always stand up to let someone else sit down on the bus. He is charming and does so with ease and without thinking twice about it.
  
  
• He is sexy. At 31, he has a head full of hair, looks after his body, wears very cool clothes and smells amazing. I think he gets better looking with age.
  
  
• He cooks dinner for me every single day. Even when he is working, he gets home and starts to cook. Even now, I am sitting here typing away while Milo is in bed when truly, I could be cooking dinner. He is on the way home from a long day at work and will be making dinner. I actually feel kind of bad now it's written down. He not only makes dinner, but he makes amazing food. He is imaginative even here: duck with red wine ju, rich homemade caesar salads, spicy and creamy Indian curries, homemade mushroom risotto, Moroccan chicken... the list goes ever on and does not get dull. I appreciate the food he makes every single day. If it were up to me, it would be whatever is easy and quick.

• He makes me laugh uncontrollably. He can make a face, sound, move that will keep me laughing for 10 minutes. He is the only person on earth who can make me laugh like this and it always ALWAYS surprises me. The kind of laughing where you don't even really know why it's funny but it just is.
  

• He makes me remember who I am and what I love, and he wants me to make the most of being me.
  
  
• He is an amazing father. Loving, funny, full of fun games and cuddles when they're needed. And he is not afraid of poopy diapers. He takes Milo when I need a couple hours extra sleep. He is full of love.
  

This is just the beginning of an endless list of why Conrad is amazing.