Friday, July 10
So - who am I now?
I am most definitely a mother.
I am a fighter.
I am a lazy cleaner.
I believe in love.
I believe in fighting for what's important.
I believe in passion.
I want everyone to understand empathy and to consider the other side.
I want my children to be safe.
I want the world to turn out okay.
I want to turn off the news.
I want to cry sometimes.
A lot of the time.
I feel too much.
I understand a little too much of what people feel.
My mind is small.
The world is small.
The world is too big.
I struggle to hold on to a valid thought.
My brain has stretched and shrunk and I'm not sure what's what.
I want to make the change.
I love change.
I'm scared of change.
Dreams have become a place I go to worry, a place where my fears play themselves out.
I fear illness.
I fear death.
I want us to live forever.
I want to explore.
I want to stay home.
I want to expand.
I want to stay put.
I am 33.
33 is young!
I am a wife.
I am a selfish wife.
I love endlessly.
I love whole-heartedly.
My love will never end, my love is fierce and strong and difficult.
This is difficult.
Sunday, August 4
Tuesday, December 4
Thursday, October 18
- A work trip to India I will be taking in 10 days. Without Milo. I had to get a fastrack passport due to loosing my old one. This was stressful and expensive. I'm still waiting for my India visa, which is stressful and expensive (thankfully I'm not paying for that one). I will be without Milo. I have to book the flights, and at 18 weeks pregnant I do not want to do connecting flights to Dubai. Oh please help me Lord. The only other option is £500 more expensive - I can't get a charity to pay for that.
- I am 16 weeks pregnant. I'm happy - but it entails migraines and sickness and fussiness and I am one hormonal mess. I wish I could be nicer to my husband.
- My department is going through a massive re-shuffle. This means that I can apply internally for a manager job I have wanted for a very long time. This means I'm competing against one of my friends. This means if I don't get it, I could technically be managed by somebody I have managed before. This is not ideal. The application deadline is the day before I go to India. The job interviews are the days after I get back from India.
More than anything, I don't want to be a selfish woman who cannot see all of the blessings and miracles she has in her life. I don't want to be a pregnant witch. But I am.
Tuesday, October 2
I worry because we have to get a show-reel done for Conrad in the next 2 months.
I am thankful that he has the opportunity to get an agent. That he's had acting work. That there is progress. Thankful that he has a passion. Thankful that he works hard and focuses on family first.
Thank you God for all you have given to me.
Thursday, September 13
Since day one our most important rule (there aren’t really rules…) is honesty. Brutal honesty. This has definitely helped through every situation. Rather than always questioning whether what he says is true, or hiding my true feelings, we both know what’s what. If there’s an issue, we both know about it and are both aware that it needs to get sorted. Sorting it is another issue entirely, but at least it’s all out there.
Thursday, August 9
AFTERNOTE: As I read this, I realise how contradictory it is. I say I don't care, but I care. I say I don't want to hear about crap, but I do. I hope whoever reads this realises that I'm a confused weirdo who needed a good rant.
Thursday, January 19
You are more sure about who you are now. You know what you like, you know what you don’t like. Be certain and go forward with realistic ideas of what you want yourself to be like.
Discard the baggage: Get rid of all the crap. Clear out your wardrobe of all those things you think you might wear ‘at some point’. Get rid of your issues. You know your bad points, don’t focus on them. Throw them out. Have a moment and truly decide what you want to take forward. What did you not do in your 20s that you want to do still? That new tattoo? Dye your hair blonde? Now’s the time to do it. You’re a grown up. You haven’t changed your mind, it’s going to happen. Why wait any longer?
Cling to the people you love. Not ‘cling’ in that weird needy way , but hang on to those you love. They’re still with you, you still love them. They get you now. Make it so you will be friends for longer: Invest. Show them you care about their friendship and you’re a trustworthy kinda gal. No more game-playing, be a truly inspiring person to be around.
Make realistic plans but dream big. You know what you’re good at now, so focus on your good points. Those things you’re not so good at and you don’t really like doing? Maybe we get rid of those now. Spend more time focusing on what makes you YOU. What can you contribute? How can you help people? How can you make our world better? What makes you stand out? Do it. Do it well, and make plans for how to carry on doing it into the future.
Dream big and make it happen. You’re 30. You are an adult. You can do what you want. NO REALLY. You can do what you want. You choose to be with your husband, you choose to be a mother, you choose to live where you live. These are choices you made for a reason. Move on with these, don’t get complacent. You want a change? You make it happen. Realistically plan your big dreams. Step by step: Baby bites – what do you have to do to get there? You’re doing pretty well, but keep your dreams alive. Don’t get lost in the small stuff.
Work on the important bits. Your relationships, your health, your mind and your body. Be hard-working because you will never regret it. Don’t be a cheater, don’t be a liar. Live up to who you want to be and be the person you want to be proud of.
Talk to your parents, talk to your siblings. Make the time. Life goes on, but they are precious to you. You love them. They love you. Show it more.
It is never too late. Every year something new and surprising can happen. Live like you’re excited, look forward to every day. Don’t count down the hours. Every hour is special and only you can make it that way. Use your brain, use your feelings. Be sensitive, be wise. BE YOU.
Don’t be embarrassed. It’s time to not care. Stop trying to be cool. The coolest people are the ones who don’t have to try. So maybe you’re not the prettiest, so maybe you’re not the most intelligent, so maybe you don’t have the longest hair or the cutest butt. You will not be the one with all the cool dresses and the millions of shoes, you are not boho, you are not glamorous. If you dress up, feel hot. If you dress down, feel comfy. Take good pictures, spend time pampering. It’s not about what people think, it’s about who you are. Besides – your husband thinks you’re hot. That’s good enough. Be the best of who you are and there’s something in that. Nobody wants a carbon copy of a cool person. Besides, remember: You’re 30. We’re past that now.
Sing more. Run more. Buy more candles. Write more. Use longer words. Listen to more music. Laugh more. Relax more. Kiss more. Talk more. Buy nice pens. Acquire some art. Wear your hair down. Wear more nail polish. Bake. Think.
Tuesday, December 13
My 20s saw me starting and finishing university, working at Starbucks, solidifying my addiction to caffeine, meeting my best friend, working with my best friend, moving in with my best friend, having my best friend live in a different city, eating lots of chocolate, waitressing, moving in with my boyfriend, getting proposed to by my boyfriend in Paris, marrying my boyfriend, moving into a house with my husband, deciding to have a baby, having a baby, being proud of myself, cutting a fringe, growing my fringe out, dying my hair blonde, dying my hair red, gaining lots of weight, getting pale and pasty, losing lots of weight (post wedding..DOH.), learning that I enjoy cycling, cycling to work, moving to London, loving London, temping in the city, being a legal secretary, working for a national charity, being a trustee of a charity, attending interviews and breaking my heart, working for an international children's charity, going out, discovering how much I love eating out, wearing heels and walking home from nights out, wearing bangles, wearing massive hoop earrings, going to a family wedding in Japan, organising a work trip to India, falling in love with India, opening a school in Namibia, falling in love with Namibia, interrailing twice with my boyfriend, falling in love with red wine and duck in France, eating too much cream and wine in Italy, souvlaki and sunshine in Greece, taking a 24 hour ferry, honeymooning in Greece, holidayed in Tunisia, Gran Canaria, playing games to waste time, tapas-ing and sangria in Spain, camping, taking driving lessons, taking my driving test, passing my driving test, buying a Classic Mini, driving a classic mini, buying a Jeep Cherokee, driving a Hate Tank (Jeep Cherokee), visiting family in America, buying my wedding dress in America, carrying my wedding dress as hand luggage home, being pregnant, seeing many plays, watching my husband act, loving my husband, watching my baby grow, creating a family, wanting a dog, buying a dog, loving a dog, being annoyed at my dog, missing the Philippines, missing people, missing my family, discovering Skype, joining Facebook, writing a blog, taking millions of photos, learning I love to jog, discovered black eyeliner, stopped going to church, started going back to church, discovered the importance of extended family, trust myself, fell in love with folk music, watched lots of movies, watched Lost and 24, watched every episode of Friends, got bored of Friends…….
And here I am turning 30. A lot can happen in a decade.