I do not want to be here again

Job hunting, that is.

The death plunge of my self-esteem, the black hole that is my prospects.

I've been working here for a year and a half, and my team and I are being made redundant in February. This isn't a horrible shock - we all knew this would be the case because our project will be completed. But still: I will have no job after February. Worst thing is that the charity I work for is having a complete restructure, which means that there is a recruitment freeze at the moment. Meaning: The prospects they told me I would have at the end of my contract no longer exist. Meaning I've been working my butt off doing extra jobs, volunteering myself for complicated tasks, stretching myself to do things I just don't want to do for nothing.

I feel pretty defeated. And pretty useless. Yes, I've had all this experience and people like working with me, and I'm a positive presence in the workplace, but guess what? How does that work for me on my CV? Not so great!

The worst thing is spending hours applying for a job that you just don't want to do. But that you should apply for because there's nothing else. And that is basically doing the same thing you're doing now, which you are totally bored by and need to be stretched!

I'm also not the kind of person that wants to work to make money and then that's it. I feel that work is a part of you. You should be passionate about it, it should bring out the best of you and benefit other people at the same time. Work shouldn't be a part of your day that you try to get through just so you can start life at 5 o'clock.

I'm trying not to be angry, I'm trying not to lose confidence, but I really feel cheated and annoyed. And I feel pretty useless. So there.

Empowerment

Tonight, I am off to see two of my favourite women - amazing song writers and thinkers. Every day I listen to one of their songs to remind me that it's okay to be ME. Does that make sense?

Here's one:

I've been glaring into mirrors, picking myself apart
you'd think at my age I'd have thought of something better to do
than make insecurity into a full time job, make insecurity into an art

yes and I fear my life will be over and I will have never lived it unfettered
always glaring into mirrors, mad I don't look better
but now here is this tiny baby
and they say she looks just like me
and she is smiling at me with that present infant glee
and I would defend to the ends of the earth
her perfect right to be

so I'm beginning to see some problems
with the ongoing work of my mind
and I've got myself a new mantra
it says "don't forget to have a good time"

don't let the sellers of stuff
power enough to rob you of your grace
love is all over the place
there's nothing wrong with your face

Strange how I need to be reminded of the simplest of things...

Migraine Hell

Friday morning treated me to a lovely migraine. The kind of migraine that knocks me out for days. It hit while I was sat at my desk about to type an email. All of a sudden I couldn't see parts of the computer screen. Crap. I knew exactly what was happening. I opened up a book laying on my desk to see if I could read it, and I couldn't. White flashy lights were dancing in front of my eyes where the text should have been.

It's hard to tell people what is going on during a migraine without sounding like you're lying. To say that ten minutes ago I was fine, laughing and talking about what to have for lunch and then suddenly.. Well, now I have to leave straight away without further ado so I can get home before the nausea hits.

Migraines are not fun. I got home and slept till 7 o'clock, woke up and walked around a bit then decided I was too tired and slept for another 14 hours. I still feel a bit sick, I still have a headache. Headache isn't really the right word for it though... It's more that some kind of spiky bug has taken residency inside your brain and is pretty reluctant to get out. And the painkillers, they do not help.

All I can do is wait for it to go away.

Saving the earth the fun way

I am not a sporty kinda girl. I avoid sport and exercise like crazy. But recently, I have been able to lose weight and not even have to think about it. In fact, I'm eating MORE food and MORE chocolate than I ever have!

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me start at the beginning.

After we got back from our honeymoon, I decided to tackle the problem that was my travel to work. We had moved to a beautiful new apartment with two bedrooms and a small outdoor space - we love it! The problem was, the trip to work became a nightmare. There was no easy way to get there, no easy route. On average it would take an hour and a half! And I only live six miles away! That is insane! My mood would slowly deteriorate and I started to dread the long haul home.

My colleague then presented a solution to me. Riding a bike! And oh people, this has changed my life. It no longer takes an hour and a half, but a mere 40 minutes to get there! And I have lost so much weight already, without even trying.

My friend was kind enough to lend me her bike for the past 6 weeks, and then something horrible happened - the bike got stolen out of the bike shed at work, where I had left it overnight. Oh dear. You can imagine my devastation.

But - to think on the bright side, it was quite an old bike, and now... NOW! I introduce my new Dutchie:

I'm going to go pick it up tonight, and I could not be more excited! It is originally from Holland and made in the traditional 'sit up and beg' style. The point is that you can wear whatever you want and be sat in the upright position on your cycle to work. Plus, it's very pretty.

So, if you are able - I highly recommend cycling to work. It knocks off so much commuter time, frees your mind from the constraints of modern society and my oh my it helps your figure! Just think of all those extra M & M's you could be eating.

One

I stepped forward onto the foggy street. It was not foggy in the English way – cold, damp seeping through my clothes and onto my skin and further into my bones. The mist was warm, hot and tasted delicious. Like if I tried hard enough I could open my mouth and the air would taste sweet, easing down my throat to warm me from the inside.

I did not need to be warmed. I raised my hand to wipe the slight moist from my upper lip – any attempt at cosmetics would no longer be made; the foggy city had quickly taught me that any attempt for vanity would sweat away.

The street was full of people. People who had something to do but were in no particular rush to get there and do it. A man crossed in front of me, attempting not to stare at the tall white, leggy woman who so obviously did not belong there. Another lesson stored earnestly in my mind: the innocent dress bought in the comfort of an air-conditioned mall did not translate well onto the concrete men-filled streets here.

And life carries on

The flurry of pre and post-wedding days are slowly fading into pleasant memories that will, I'm sure, stay with me forever. The reality of marriage begins - and with it, more excitement that wasn't even expected.

The light pleasantness of calling him 'my husband' to anyone who will listen.

Feeling part of a strong new family that has a massive expanse of space and time ahead of us that we can fill with whatever we wish.

Making life-changing decisions together, being one million per cent happy that we are meant to be where we are, right now.

Looking forward to cozy Autumnal evenings wrapped in woolen blankets, securely surrounded by love and hope.

I loved our wedding. I loved being surrounded by people we cared intensely about. But I also love being married and calling my love 'my husband'. Being able to live life as one.

When I started this blog, I had a lot to say and I wanted to say it as quickly and passionately as I could. I have a feeling writing on here helped sort my head out, and incidentally has helped me sort my life out, too. So in a sense, I never feel like I need to spill my guts somewhere where people will listen to me and understand me, or if not at least the Internet would.

Therefore, this site will be on temporary leave. I just wanted you all to know so that you could take me off of your lists (if you have me on there in the first place). Because at the moment, my mind is clear and I feel calm in myself. No need to let the liquid fire out of heart and mind, through my fingertips and onto the computer screen.

It's funny that the times when you're most trapped and unhappy are the times when you write the best. What happens to the tortured artist when they are no longer tortured?

So I am here, I am happy and may even write now and then, but I don't feel like I have anything to write about anymore with passion.

So, au revoir. For now.

Soon to be a traveller again...

Soon, we will be enjoying our first two weeks of marriage in a villa with our own private pool, near this amazing lagoon in Greece.



I'm not sure if I can actually wait.

Round up, round up!

63 days to go till I have a whole new last name. All of my mind, soul, heart, health, sleep has been focused on 19th July 2008. What will I do when it's the 20th? What will I have to worry about? So seeing as I'm clearly of a one tracked mind at the moment, here are a few random thoughts that come to me as I write.

I am in some serious (but funny) agony at the moment. Conrad has taught me a new kind of sit up that has left me in PAIN. Everytime I laugh or even try and use my stomach muscles in any way, I Hurt. But to be honest it's kind of nice hurt because there are some serious results going on. Who knew that sit ups actually worked?

I guess I'm a hippy. Everyone keeps trying to convince me to have elaborate flower arrangements when all I really want is to walk through a field the morning of my wedding and pick the most beautiful, free flowers that exist. Meadow flowers. Daisies. I may still get my way, but nobody really seems to get it!

Hm. Guess I really don't have much to say. All I have on my mind is losing weight, getting ready for the wedding, and um.. Nope, I say that's it. So I guess now you can see why I haven't been writing much on here!

One of those posts

So I have a couple of things on my mind today...

Networking or sucking up?

I attended a work related event the other day where the schedule actually had a time slot that said 'coffee and networking'. So basically the schedule telling you that this is the time to go talk to loads of people you have nothing in common with and see what they can do for you. Pretend your interested in their line of work in the desperate hope that they can further your own career. YUCK. It makes me feel sick just thinking about it. I obviously do not belong in this world - I'm good at doing this, but it makes me feel like there's something seriously wrong with modern day life. What's wrong with working hard to get somewhere, why can't you just be good at your job and that's that? Apparently you have to be visible. Seriously. I don't know why this makes me so mad - just the fakeness of the workings of life makes me feel a little bit nauseous.

The downside of losing weight

I've been going to the gym and swimming 3-4 times a week in preparation for the wedding in July. I've lost quite a bit of weight and I actually feel good about the way I look right now. The downside? I know that some day (probably after the wedding) I will stop doing hardcore training and all the weight will pile back on, probably in double-time. It's depressing! And it feels so great to fit into my clothes properly and to feel good in my own skin. How do you keep motivation for exercising the rest of your life? Seriously? Does anybody know?

For future reference, it's not okay to ask me if I'm tired

I personally think it's incredibly rude to say that somebody looks tired. I am never tired, I just have darker shadows under my eyes then normal people. I try my hardest to buy industrial strength concealer but sometimes it just doesn't work. When people tell me I look tired, it's basically just telling me that I look like crap. And nobody likes to walk around thinking they look like crap.


Just felt like getting those off my chest.

How to be cool in London

• You will either be training to run the London Marathon next month, or you have already ran the marathon a couple of times and are giving yourself the year off. One year, you travelled to New York just to add the New York Marathon to your list.
  
  
• You wear brightly coloured opaque tights - yellow, blue, pink - underneath beige grandma-heels. To add to the look, sometimes you have a matching headscarf - You know, like the one your grandma used to wear when she made her weekly trip to the Laundromat.
  
  
• As soon as the calendar hits April, you have booked yourself into at least TWO of England's renowned music festivals. Which festival you go to defines what kind of person you are, and people will judge you purely on your festival-going choices.
  
  
• When asked what you're doing for the weekend, you have plans for Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday day and Sunday night. None of these times will be spent with the same person - You are a social butterfly and nobody can hold your interest long enough for you to hang around.
  
  
• Your parents are so rich that they buy you a house overlooking the Thames. You whinge about not having any money and the fact that it's so hard to find a job in The Arts.
  
• 
  You are always busy. You never watch TV - in fact, I think you're too cool for TV, unless there's something very cult and different that nobody else in the world knows. And as soon as they start watching it, you start hating it.

I am none of those.

What A Drag

What a drag it is when the routine of everyday life sucks all the creativity out of you. My homework for myself this weekend is to sit down and write a song. Or a poem. Or just some kind of creative writing.

Listening to a song on the way into work today made me realise that the monotomy of everyday life can really take it out of you. I never saw myself as the office-living girl, the girl who takes the same route to work everyday, the girl who comes in and has her cereal with a large cup of coffee. I hate routine - it turns you into a zombie. It makes you focus on normality, and once again, I hate normality.

I just want to crawl out of this skin and fly off into another one. Gone are the days that I can hand my notice in and book a trip somewhere without thinking twice about it. Money has to come, money has to go places, money rules the world. If only I didn't care so much about it, I would be off in a jiffy - Me, my flipflops and long, unruly hair taking over the coasts of the world.

Oh, to be 'free'.

Sticking Your Neck Out

Some things you just have to do because it's good for you, whether it be good for your soul, good for your heart, or for your body. But why is it that the first step of something amazing and life changing always feels like the worst day of your life?

Okay, maybe it's just me.

Tonight I have my first meeting with a charity that I have volunteered for. The charity is still in it's first few years, so it's just a baby. But that makes it all the more exciting, because I feel I can really be a part of it and make a difference. The Clabile Trust is a charity that was founded a few years ago by someone who visited South Africa and decided she needed to do something and she could do something to make a difference in the community she became part of. And so she did.

I am so excited about becoming a part of this venture, to be a part of something I'm passionate about! To be part of something where my thoughts and experience and ideas really make a difference!

But right now, sat writing this, I feel nervous. And scared. And all sorts of scenarios are playing out in my head. Why is it that we can't go into a situation confident and understanding the big picture? All I can think of is the here and now, the next eight hours, the fifteen feet in front of me. Which is why when I was reading Ben's blog, I was so grateful to be reminded that there is a bigger picture, I need to focus on the horizon. What I'm doing does not only effect my day today, but in one years time, five years time, ten years time I may remember today with a happy remembrance that this is what started off my life-long adventure.

Yes We Can

I was reading Dreaming of Hanoi and came upon this which stopped me in my tracks and gave me chills.

We definitely can.

Monthly Freak Out Time

So. There's five months to go until The Big Day. FREAK OUT! I seriously need to get in shape. I seriously need to find a photographer. I seriously need to feel organised. I seriously need to chill out. Thing is, the rest of the month I'm calm sedate and perfectly happy about the whole thing, and then I do a countdown and I just can not believe it! Five months to go! That's less then six!

I'm also sad because once it's gone, it's gone. I want it to be the run up to our wedding forever! This is the most fun I've had all my life!

Organising + Bossing around + Getting my way + Wedding day + Conrad = A happy Rachel!

I never want it to end.

*

Random wedding fact:

"The bride's bouquet come from a very old tradition of strong smells warding of evil spirits and bringing good fortune. During the plague in England people would wear little pouches of flower petals around their necks as not to be infected with the Plague believed to be carried by strong bad smells."

Self assessment - Life doesn't have to be taxing!

Eddie Izzard, anyone?

It has become clear to me that I think too much. Some might think this isn't actually possible, but when it comes to assessing ones self, I really think it is.

I assess my relationships, I assess the way I'm talking to people while I'm talking to people. And what's worse is that since I've started realising that I assess myself, I am realising that I am assessing myself while I am assessing myself.

This can get kind of annoying. It hasn't helped that my degree was basically teaching me how to study people and analyse them, and since then I have taken a particular like in studying myself and therefore analysing MYSELF. The problem is, I find myself kind of fascinating. I don't really fit into any rule that exists in my head. I've been trying to figure myself out for years. Many a time I will turn to Conrad and go 'did you realise what I just did? Why do you think I did that?' And we'll sit for a couple of minutes analysing me.

Now, this could technically be healthy. Self-awareness is definitely a good thing - realising the effect you have on people and the effect they have on you. But to function as normal human being? It only occured to me recently that other people may not do this. Other people go into their lives just doing what comes naturally - I, however, have to have a reason for everything.

And here I am, writing a post about it.

Valentines

Sit on your pony and I'll sing you a song
But the words I'll forget
Read you my poem I've not finished yet
Tell you I'll need you in infinite ways
'Till the end of my days

We're like mice on the underground
Blissfully unaware of the life up above
But nothing can spoil our little mouse love
We'll take our lives in our hands as we dance down the rails
Chasing our tails

And I could never leave you
'Cos if I did I'd die
For I wouldn't be me

With each day that's dawning a day has to die
And still nothing gets done
But Who could be truer
Than my precious one
Carefully saving our pennies in jars
Just to waste then in bars

And as days turn to weeks and then weeks turn to months
See how much I have grown
I'm seven years old I've had nineteen alone
You mended the life that was falling apart
On the way to your heart

And I could never leave you
'Cos if I did I'd die
For I wouldn't be me

So sit on your pony and I'll sing you a song
But the words I'll forget
Read you my poem I've not finished yet
Tell you I'll need you in infinite ways
'Till the end of my days

--C P Sharp

Why I Love Ben Frost

A couple of years ago I lived for a very short while with my best friend. It was the best couple of weeks in that house ever. We baked cookies, ate all said cookies in one go, had pajama movie nights, had curry nights, had pajama mexican nights... You can tell we ate quite a lot. He was only there five weeks but it was a good five weeks. One day while I was at work I received and email from him. I was looking through some old emails today and found it. I thought it would be my present to the internet to post it because I love it so.


So...

I thought I'm gonna have a shave and a shower and do my hair and I'm gonna swallow my pride and go down to Past Times and apply for a job.

So I have a shave and I'm feeling good and think I'll take a shower now. I take note of the time because the Collin and Edith show has just come on Radio 1 - this means its just gone 1 o'clock.

My shower is just lovely and i wash my hair and feel all relaxed. I shut the shower off and get dry, wrap my towel around myself and go to open the door. The handle just spins around. So I try again. Nothing. Then i have a flash back. I see the other half of the door handle on the floor, on the landing. I remember from my childhood my mother telling me not to shut a door when the handle is broke - "we won't be able to open the door if you did" - she said.

So...I consider my options. I can wait here in my towel, cold and damp and wait for the first person to come home, but it's not long past 1 o'clock and it's possible that someone won't be home until 5. So that was no good. Well I'll use brute strength then, i tell myself, so i start charging the door with my shoulder/elbow/knee/foot/fist. It's no use. The frame is starting to come loose and every part of my body aches.

I sit down on the edge of the shower and think maybe i should just cut my loses and sit here until Mim comes home - she's only foundation, i tell myself, she could be home at anytime - but then i look up and have a bright idea.

The perspex window above the door looks like it could come out if i loosened the nails. I look around - what can i use - i find a disposable razor and with the plastic handle i push all the rusty nails back until the perspex comes out. Amazing! When you see this in films it always looks easy when someone pops a window and then pulls themself up and they're outta there. But when it comes to it and you're tired, naked, and realise you can't lift your own body weight - because you've recently eaten 6500 cookies - it's a different story.

So...i give up on this idea, put the perspex back up and fashion the rusty nails to rehold back it place. I sit on the edge of the shower again, and again giving up. I try shaking and twisting and pulling the handle in order for the latch to shift but all the results in is the handle coming off at my side to. Great, I think to myself, now I've got to sit here looking through the small gap, where the handle was, being able to see my freedom on the other side but not being able to get to it.

Time passes. It feels like days...weeks...years.

Then it comes to me. I need to find something which i can substitute for the door handle, something i can put into the gap, turn it, and unhook the latch! Firstly i try my little finger. I push it in as far as I can and then try and turn. It doesn't work. The result - bleeding finger! What can I do?! What can I do?! I check the basket on the shelf for some kind of tool. All i find is a handful of disposable razors, all too big to fit the hole i have to work with. I try my other little finger, but it's as successful as the first. I figure I'm going to have to try with the razors.

So there I sit, back on the edge of shower, using my teeth to fashion a tool the same size as the missing metal bar which i knew was on the floor on the other side of this god forsaken door. I go through about 3 razor. my hands occasionally catching the blade and my teeth and jaw aching. On my 4th attempt I'd made my best tool yet and started pushing it into the small hole. It wouldn't go in far enough. So i look around again for the best 'hammer' i could find. The Dove shower gel bottle is the biggest and heaviest thing i can find and so i start 'hammering' the razor handle into the slot. It's in as far as it can go. I sit on the edge of the shower, which by now was surprisingly comfy, and i slowly turn my disposable razor-cum-door handle and as if by some miracle the door pushes open.

I fall to the floor and half laugh and half cry. Immediately I go to my room and put some clothes on, I'm cold, tired and sore all over from my teeth to my toes. I check the time, it's just gone 3 o'clock. I've been sat in that pokey little room for just around 2 hours. 2 freakin' hours!!!!!

Oh well. I guess it's a change from sitting around and watch tv so I can't really complain.

Apart

Things crop up that I forgot I had to do. I sit and talk myself out of doing it. It's not worth doing if you can't see me. Your pride validates me, if you watch me and smile with a secret look in your eye it makes me want to do it even better next time. You make me in to a person that I always wanted to be. Before you there were holes in my personality, I knew who I was meant to be but didn't try hard enough. With you I am always me, the person I know is good in heart and soul and means well. When you are away parts of my alone-self remind me that you are who makes me me. My motivation is to show you how good I am, show you what you make me. You make me pure and real, you make me honest.

At least when I am lonely I know you will be back, and I will be me again soon.

Getting out of aforementioned boxes

Please excuse the freeze frame of Lauryn Hill but it's the only way I could get the song on here.

The Art of Losing Conversation

I am not a conversationalist. I lack in easy speaking credentials. If Conrad and I are having a particularly heated argument, I sometimes have to take a break and go away and write down how I'm feeling, come back to him and actually read it out. My thoughts come to me as I write, not as I speak. This includes small talk and just generally getting to know people.

I used to have a parallel Rachel that I would talk about when strangers would ask me about yourself. I was originally from California, I was a student. I've never been to this town before, etcetera. If some taxi driver would want to know what I'd been up to that night, I would lie and tell him I had been doing something completely different from what I had been doing. I don't much like people knowing a lot about me. I don't want people to try and figure me out, I don't want people putting me in a compartment that I do not belong in. My mind and heart are like water, they fill all categories and spill over into whatever comes near me.

Unfortunately this does not bode well for me and making friends. Making friends is so much easier when you go to school and hang around with about 100 other people your age doing the same thing as you. But in a big city where you have to go out and find it yourself? Open up to complete strangers in order to create some kind of bond that shouldn't be forced? I cannot do it. I am trying to train myself into this conversational thing. I'm going to try and tell people about my life, tell them about who I am and how I feel and try and ignore the consequences and uneasy silences and feelings of insecurity that might come afterwards.

I guess that I'm just me, and I just need to deal with that. And if somehow that brings friendship, then so be it. I hope it does.

An Inappopriate Sharing

Why is it that I am a grown woman, about to be married with a full time job and I am completely and utterly mortified to buy tampons?

I just can't do it. Last night I went into the shop, walked around a little bit, felt really awkward and had to stop myself from running out.

Will this ever go away?

The Year Of The Wedding

a.k.a My Recurring Dream

I woke up with a start this morning, heart pounding and my nerves completely on edge. I had had The Dream again. The dream starts at 11:45am on my wedding day, the ceremony to start at 12pm. I have my dress on, I think that all is well but then I look in the mirror and realise that I HAVE NO MAKE UP ON and MY HAIR ISN'T DONE! I haven't even washed my hair that day! So I have 15 minutes to do everything I possibly can to make myself look vaguely presentable and ready for what should be the biggest day of my life. The dream then drags on for what feels like 3 hours that are all in those 15 minutes trying to figure out what I am going to do.

I have had this dream approximately 5 times. Each time the scenario is slightly different, but it's always 11:45, and it's always the same issue.

Obviously, I'm worried that I'm not ready enough. There's 6 months to go (which I know is plenty of time) but at the moment I'm quite panicked about the amount there is to plan. I'm usually the kind of person that procrastinates and then finishes everything off at the last minute, but this is the one time in my life I can't do that. I think I'm just worried that I will do that, and I'll only have myself to blame for a shambles of a wedding.

I also know that even if we were stood in a church in our PJs with our vows tainted with coffee breath, it would mean just as much and it would be just as powerful.

But I have such high hopes! And there's so much to be done!

On a brighters side, I thought I'd post our Save The Date card that we sent out in November.

One of our friends designed it for us. I love it. When he first sent it to us, we were staring at it for ages because it's just so different and kind of weird. I always wanted to be in an oldies movie so I guess this works well for me!

Before we had decided to use this one, he created another one for us:

I actually LOVE this one. But it looks like I'm a singer in a band and Conrad's my backup singer. If I were to have a band, I would want this to be my promotional poster. I LOVE IT. The butterflies, the flowers, rainbows... Oooh I just love it.

Well now I'm off to go try and do some planning to stave off the recurring dream.

But before I do, I have a question for you: What song is quintessentially wedding reception to you? What song would you request to be played so you can dance lovingly with someone? What song would either bring you to tears (in a good way) or make you boogie on down?