I am not a conversationalist. I lack in easy speaking credentials. If Conrad and I are having a particularly heated argument, I sometimes have to take a break and go away and write down how I'm feeling, come back to him and actually read it out. My thoughts come to me as I write, not as I speak. This includes small talk and just generally getting to know people.
I used to have a parallel Rachel that I would talk about when strangers would ask me about yourself. I was originally from California, I was a student. I've never been to this town before, etcetera. If some taxi driver would want to know what I'd been up to that night, I would lie and tell him I had been doing something completely different from what I had been doing. I don't much like people knowing a lot about me. I don't want people to try and figure me out, I don't want people putting me in a compartment that I do not belong in. My mind and heart are like water, they fill all categories and spill over into whatever comes near me.
Unfortunately this does not bode well for me and making friends. Making friends is so much easier when you go to school and hang around with about 100 other people your age doing the same thing as you. But in a big city where you have to go out and find it yourself? Open up to complete strangers in order to create some kind of bond that shouldn't be forced? I cannot do it. I am trying to train myself into this conversational thing. I'm going to try and tell people about my life, tell them about who I am and how I feel and try and ignore the consequences and uneasy silences and feelings of insecurity that might come afterwards.
I guess that I'm just me, and I just need to deal with that. And if somehow that brings friendship, then so be it. I hope it does.
5 comments:
I SO relate. I do not like small talk, am not good at it and generally avoid it-
Just be yourself as that is more than good enough. I am sure true freinds will grow with you and see you for who you are and not who others think you are.
Small talk is often boring and shallow, I wish I was comfortable with saying nothing but instead I opt for the shallow and boring stuff!
Enjoy your day
Friendships are very hard for me. For different reasons. I tend to not "need" them as much as they apparently "need" me. I don't expect much, but they do. Usually goes down in smoke.
I have to say though, you're a pretty amazing person I think anyone would be lucky to have as a friend!!
(And I'm not just saying that because you are my cousin!) :)
Hey, I like the new look. When did you do that? Can you tell I haven't check for a while?
About this whole friendship and putting yourself out there thing... I thought I was reading something I wrote.
Well, whether or not you can do small talk, you certainly can write!
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