I do not want to be here again

Job hunting, that is.

The death plunge of my self-esteem, the black hole that is my prospects.

I've been working here for a year and a half, and my team and I are being made redundant in February. This isn't a horrible shock - we all knew this would be the case because our project will be completed. But still: I will have no job after February. Worst thing is that the charity I work for is having a complete restructure, which means that there is a recruitment freeze at the moment. Meaning: The prospects they told me I would have at the end of my contract no longer exist. Meaning I've been working my butt off doing extra jobs, volunteering myself for complicated tasks, stretching myself to do things I just don't want to do for nothing.

I feel pretty defeated. And pretty useless. Yes, I've had all this experience and people like working with me, and I'm a positive presence in the workplace, but guess what? How does that work for me on my CV? Not so great!

The worst thing is spending hours applying for a job that you just don't want to do. But that you should apply for because there's nothing else. And that is basically doing the same thing you're doing now, which you are totally bored by and need to be stretched!

I'm also not the kind of person that wants to work to make money and then that's it. I feel that work is a part of you. You should be passionate about it, it should bring out the best of you and benefit other people at the same time. Work shouldn't be a part of your day that you try to get through just so you can start life at 5 o'clock.

I'm trying not to be angry, I'm trying not to lose confidence, but I really feel cheated and annoyed. And I feel pretty useless. So there.