Last day of my twenties

Today is the end of my twenties. I feel a lot stronger about this than I ever thought I would. 30 is.... an adult. 30 is seriously an adult. I am not an adult. I seriously do feel like I'm pretending and the 14 year old teenager inside me is giggling away, excited that she's getting away with the pretense.

My 20s saw me starting and finishing university, working at Starbucks, solidifying my addiction to caffeine, meeting my best friend, working with my best friend, moving in with my best friend, having my best friend live in a different city, eating lots of chocolate, waitressing, moving in with my boyfriend, getting proposed to by my boyfriend in Paris, marrying my boyfriend, moving into a house with my husband, deciding to have a baby, having a baby, being proud of myself, cutting a fringe, growing my fringe out, dying my hair blonde, dying my hair red, gaining lots of weight, getting pale and pasty, losing lots of weight (post wedding..DOH.), learning that I enjoy cycling, cycling to work, moving to London, loving London, temping in the city, being a legal secretary, working for a national charity, being a trustee of a charity, attending interviews and breaking my heart, working for an international children's charity, going out, discovering how much I love eating out, wearing heels and walking home from nights out, wearing bangles, wearing massive hoop earrings, going to a family wedding in Japan, organising a work trip to India, falling in love with India, opening a school in Namibia, falling in love with Namibia, interrailing twice with my boyfriend, falling in love with red wine and duck in France, eating too much cream and wine in Italy, souvlaki and sunshine in Greece, taking a 24 hour ferry, honeymooning in Greece, holidayed in Tunisia, Gran Canaria, playing games to waste time, tapas-ing and sangria in Spain, camping, taking driving lessons, taking my driving test, passing my driving test, buying a Classic Mini, driving a classic mini, buying a Jeep Cherokee, driving a Hate Tank (Jeep Cherokee), visiting family in America, buying my wedding dress in America, carrying my wedding dress as hand luggage home, being pregnant, seeing many plays, watching my husband act, loving my husband, watching my baby grow, creating a family, wanting a dog, buying a dog, loving a dog, being annoyed at my dog, missing the Philippines, missing people, missing my family, discovering Skype, joining Facebook, writing a blog, taking millions of photos, learning I love to jog, discovered black eyeliner, stopped going to church, started going back to church, discovered the importance of extended family, trust myself, fell in love with folk music, watched lots of movies, watched Lost and 24, watched every episode of Friends, got bored of Friends…….

And here I am turning 30. A lot can happen in a decade.

Shallowness

Why, sometimes, am I weirdly jealous of people I have no real reason to be jealous of?

Why do I look at their pictures and get lost in a world of 'I wish I was....'.

In truth, I don't want to be anyone else or look like them, or have blonde hair, or have curly hair, or be short, or be able to wear 4 inch heels, or be able to lead a band as a singer, to be that confident or be outgoing and silly and whimsical and talented and .....

Oh yeah, I do.

Time to grow up? I think so. Just tell my juvenile jealousy that.

The job situation

I got an interview for that job I wanted. I didn't get it. Which is gutting, and demoralising, and all things that make you feel like crawling up in your flannel sheets and feather duvet and saying 'no' to life for a little while.

I had a week to prep, and prep I did. I gave a 10 minute presentation which I KNOW was amazing. The interview went so well. In my prep work, I covered all grounds for potential questions and what the best thing to say would be. I rounded the troops - gathered information from people who knew more than me. I had an army of 'you can do it's!' behind me.

I'm gutted because it was perfect. Well, at least right now I feel like it was. It was a huge step up for me, but one that I realise now I am MORE than ready to take. I want it. I want to work hard, to make a difference, I really really thought I had it in the bag.

A couple of things - I know that I gave them a lot to think about during the interview. I'm good at reading people, and they liked me. There was a vibe in the room. We were on the same page. We were throwing ideas back at each other, there was a buzz.

At the end of the interview, asking a few questions about the organisation and asking the trustee the reasons behind her working for the charity, I mentioned flexible working and family friendly policies. Their faces dropped. I know that legally they are not allowed to take motherhood into consideration while hiring someone, but I'm pretty sure the rejection of me had something to do with that. I do understand that whoever succeeded in getting the role will have had more experience, perhaps gave a better interview ---- but I just had the feeling the whole way through that it was going well. You know, when you know? I don't meant to be cocky. But then I came out with the mother thing and I could see it wasn't going to happen.

So I came home and held my son, cuddled him close and wondered if I shouldn't have mentioned anything. By law, if you are hired by someone and you apply for flexible working, they have to give it to you unless there is some reason they can't. And it has to be a pretty valid reason. I thought to myself 'should I have kept it on the down-low till they offered me the job?'..

I looked at Milo and guilt clenched my insides. How could I neglect to mention him? How could I pretend he didn't exist? I need a job where I'm not only allowed to talk about him, but they are more than willing to let my motherhood be a part of who I am and the job that I do. There's no way I'm keeping silent about my boy like there is something to be ashamed of. You know what? I'm a mom, and I can do this job, and I'm allowed to work different hours because I will rock at it, because I am the best candidate, and YOU KNOW WHAT? Milo makes me the better candidate and a better person.

So, yes the job was perfect. Everything about it seemed so right for me, and I wanted it so very badly. But this is life, and I move on and I get over it and I look at my family and my home and I breathe deeply and stop. Life is all of this that I have. Be alive and live in that.

The thing about motherhood is...

What I wasn’t expecting was to fall absolutely head over heels, infatuation-type love with my baby. I was full of excited adrenaline. I couldn’t sleep for 2 days, even though I’d been through labour and really quite frankly needed to. I wanted to watch him sleep. I wanted to hold him really close to me. I wanted to cuddle and snuggle and be with him every second of the day and night.

I suppose it is the hormones, but really – it feels amazing. That’s one thing people don’t tell you about becoming a mother. You hear of sacrifice, of diapers, of no sleep, of the trials and tribulations. But you know what’s crazy? And please believe me when I say this because I’ve never meant anything more in my entire life:

You are so in love with this bundle that you would do ANYTHING for them and it is not difficult. Poop, sick, no sleep… I did not for the life of me care one bit. This little guy was my new everything.

There are a couple weird things that have to factor in to this. For one, your new relationship with your partner. This was a humdinger. They tell you your relationship changes - but it’s really quite difficult to explain, and it truly is not a negative change. But, there is another little being in your relationship. Another person that both of you love with all of your hearts/souls/minds. This is strange; particularly if you’ve been in a relationship for a long time (I had been with my hubby for 11 years). We were used to being each other’s ONE. We were in it together; we loved each other as no other. But then this little guy came along and I was instantly IN LOVE. There were now two, and for the first few months of a tiny baby’s life, it’s difficult to figure out how to ‘split’ your love in two.

Another weird thing I’ve been thinking is that when we have another baby – how will I love it as much as Milo? I don’t think there is physically enough love in the world for me to love more. How is it going to be possible? I’ve been told that it just happens, but in a weird, worried way, I think I can’t possibly love another human being the way I love Milo. The love is so instantaneous, so overwhelming that it is just a part of me. I can never complain, I can never get annoyed, I can never not want to be with him. He is the best thing ever. Period.

So for those who want to know what it’s like to have a baby: It’s like falling in love. It’s pure, it’s beautiful, it’s heart-wrenching, it’s all-consuming. You can’t eat, you’re full of excitement and wonder, you cry easily and often. Your heart opens and grows and explodes with the love that now comes easily to you. And you suddenly realise you have to be the best you FOR THEM. And you are more than willing to do it for the rest of your life.

Yeah, that didn't work.

So much for blogging once a day....

Today I am

• Organizing a baby shower for my sis-in-law for Saturday (nothing like procrastinating on important family stuff).
  
  
• Looking after my sick and teething (molars) son.
  
  
• Working from home (copy-writing, editing).
  
  
• Craving an eggnog latte. Can't be bothered leaving the house.
  
  
• Trying to not think about unpayable bills.
  
  
• Neglecting my poor dog (who hasn't been out on a walk for.... I don't know how long)
  
  
• Designing a Christmas card for the charity I volunteer for.
  
  
• Searching high and low for the snot-sucker I lost last night to suck bucket-loads of snot from my son's nose.
  
  
• Anxiously wondering how long after the closing date of the job I applied for (today) I may or may not hear from them about an interview.
  
  
• Feeling guilty that my child hasn't been to the park or anything play-orientated since he's been sick and since I've used him being sick as an excuse to stay inside.
  
  
• Checking Facebook way too much.
  
  
• Mainly eating toast because there's literally nothing else for me to eat (don't worry, my child is eating well).
  
  
• Yet again putting off listening to CD selection a dear friend gave me for my listening pleasure (only 3 months ago).
  
  
• Leaving no time for my brain or emotions or anything like that. (What am I, superwoman?)

SAHM Wednesday

Today was my mommy day. How did I celebrate this? Well, mainly by keeping my PJs on (ALL DAY.. check me out!), making Milo laugh by chasing him around the house, de-fleaing my dog (this was definitely my highlight) and generally bumming around and drinking far, far too much coffee. We did not leave the house, and I am not sorry.

I am sat here, smelling the garlicy, parsley-y chicken Conrad is cooking and getting ready for some couch potato action. Right now Spotify is playing Lana Del Ray, next up is Florence & The Machine. I love my peaceful kitchen. When I'm sat here at the wooden table and old-fashioned church chairs, I feel all is mostly well in the world. It's cozy, it's homey, it smells good and it's already full of memories of too-long dinners and breaking of dawn breakfasts with Milo. A family lives here, and I love each and every one of them.

I leave you with Cheeky McCheekerston:

Job me up, baby.

So I’m gonna do this thing where I try and write everyday for the month of November. I miss writing, and maybe doing this will help my brain get out of the mode of survival.

Onwards and upwards!

On my mind today are lots of applications I am writing. I’m aiming high, but am nervous about the whole, “you’ll let me work 4 days a week though – right?” thing. My plan is to ace the interview and when they decide they love me and can’t have anyone else, I drop the bomb. The way I see it, it’s the charity world and they would be getting a quality candidate for less money, so they win – right? POSITIVITY PEOPLE!

It’s getting darker and darker outside. I have to use the lights on my bike, and driving through Banker a-hole I-own-this-town London is never pretty. But at least I’m working off the kilos of chocolate I have become used to devouring on a daily basis.

Oh – that’s another thing. Milo has stopped breastfeeding (for the most part) and the calories that used to go straight to his little chubby cheeks are now going straight to my less than adorable chubby cheeks (down there). I was so proud of my weight loss post-baby that I didn’t think about the chocolate addiction I was feeding, and the massive crash of self esteem that was inevitable.

More on that another day.

So, yes – I am applying for jobs. I’m aiming high. Every job application has to be different though, if you want to make your mark. There is one particular one I am DYING TO GET. I should not get my hopes up. The way you get jobs is to apply for everything willy-nilly and one will eventually reply. I am in love with this job. This is not the way it was meant to go down. I almost don’t want to send the application in so I don’t have my hopes quashed. But my present job has become – shall we say – less than desirable. The negativity and silence that is my workplace at the moment does nothing for my bluesy November-feeling.

So here’s to nothing, folks. Here’s to being the best girl there is for the job.

Monday morning

I’m feeling slightly thwarted at the moment. I’m trying desperately to put into practice ‘mind over matter’. If I think things are a certain way, then they are that way. Am I being vague? Yes, that is deliberate.

I have become easily intimidated. By people who have the appearance of having it together, of being able to put across an intelligent point. My brain is mush, I’m tired, my mind is somewhere else… I feel like I want to do everything I need to do well, but I’m just not quite doing anything at all. I want to be a loving, intelligent, thoughtful, hard-working person. I feel there are too many things to do, too many things to think about, too many problems to solve. My head is near explosion. So I am intimidated by those who have the time to think, have the time to sit and make lists about what needs to be done. I don’t even have the headspace for that. I feel like I am unable to be the person I want to be. A good mother, a loving and kind wife, a hard-worker, a clean, positive, well-thought out person, a thoughtful friend, a happy and earnest volunteer, a Godly, giving woman who knows what she believes and what she is doing. Someone who can take a joke and can see things light-heartedly, brings joy to a room.

Instead, I feel lazy and tired and thoughtless and powerless and stretched. I feel haggard and ugly and unable to do any of the things I need to and want to do. I feel inarticulate, unproductive and silly.

So there it is. Let this be the start of mind over matter: I am a good person and I will do my best today to be what I want and who I should be.

What I love about Conrad

• He is imaginative, creative. He thinks of things in a different way than your average person. He comes up with solutions to problems, he finds a way around things. He can make a boring day exciting, he can conjure up games to play, or things to do that a new, fresh and exciting.
  
  
• He is handy. He is no normal DIYer. He can fix your whole house. He fixes our house, he hangs things, makes things, creates things, creates solutions to storage problems, makes things look prettier, puts all the things I've broken back together again. I say I would like something someday and he stores it away in his brain only to create something like it and show me as a surprise.
  
  
• He is crazy talented. He is an actor, and a good one. He's one of the rare few that really move you when you should be moved, and really make you laugh when something is funny. He is incredibly watchable, incredibly raw, and rare in his industry. All that work with him know this, all that have been lucky enough to be his director knows how much he brings to every show he is in. His ideas are original, bright, different. He is the actor I measure every other actor on earth by. He is subtle, he is outrageous, and he deserves to be doing what he loves and is good at every day.
  
  
• He is a hard worker. He never quits. His favourite holiday EVER was when we went to build a school in Africa and he could work every single day from 7am till 6pm, hard manual labour. He truly loved it, he hates to have a day of doing nothing. He will do any job you ask him to, and he will do it well. He won't do a quick job, he will make it the best he can for you. He is not afraid of work, he is not afraid to get his hands dirty.
  
  
• He is a gentleman. This is one of the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place. He lives by the rule "always walk on the roadside of a lady", he helps people with heavy bags, he shovels icy driveways for the lady upstairs, he will always stand up to let someone else sit down on the bus. He is charming and does so with ease and without thinking twice about it.
  
  
• He is sexy. At 31, he has a head full of hair, looks after his body, wears very cool clothes and smells amazing. I think he gets better looking with age.
  
  
• He cooks dinner for me every single day. Even when he is working, he gets home and starts to cook. Even now, I am sitting here typing away while Milo is in bed when truly, I could be cooking dinner. He is on the way home from a long day at work and will be making dinner. I actually feel kind of bad now it's written down. He not only makes dinner, but he makes amazing food. He is imaginative even here: duck with red wine ju, rich homemade caesar salads, spicy and creamy Indian curries, homemade mushroom risotto, Moroccan chicken... the list goes ever on and does not get dull. I appreciate the food he makes every single day. If it were up to me, it would be whatever is easy and quick.

• He makes me laugh uncontrollably. He can make a face, sound, move that will keep me laughing for 10 minutes. He is the only person on earth who can make me laugh like this and it always ALWAYS surprises me. The kind of laughing where you don't even really know why it's funny but it just is.
  

• He makes me remember who I am and what I love, and he wants me to make the most of being me.
  
  
• He is an amazing father. Loving, funny, full of fun games and cuddles when they're needed. And he is not afraid of poopy diapers. He takes Milo when I need a couple hours extra sleep. He is full of love.
  

This is just the beginning of an endless list of why Conrad is amazing.

Milo Phoenix Sharp: 6 months old

You, sir, have turned 6 months old. You have been on this earth for half a year.

How do you like it? Every new day is fun, every new day has something new for you. Today was cauliflower. Yum yum. I don't think you liked it too much, though. I'm not entirely sure anybody would like pureed cauliflower and sweet potato though.

As I type, you are lying on the floor talking away to Snoopy. I don't think he knows you're talking to him. He's sniffing your nappy in a way that makes me think maybe it's time for a change. You like him, though, and you want to talk to him. You love chuckling, laughing, smiling, looking around. You are so immensely full of life. Your favourite thing at the moment is to role over on the floor from your back to your tummy, then role over again going the same way. So basically you're just rolling, rolling, rolling. It's impossible to leave you on your own, because you love moving around! You have also recently started loving peek-a-boo with a blanket, and playing the flyyyyyyyying game with "zoooom zooooooooooooooom" sound effects. I love hearing you laugh, I would stop anything at any time to make you laugh.

You are also trying your hardest to sit up, evening though you don't have the tummy muscles for it yet. Or the balance. Even in your sleep, I see you starting to sit up with a concentrated look on your face. You are definitely working on it.

This month, you have seen a bit of London. You've been to the movies with mommy, which you particularly loved. You've been to the British Museum, the park... You've been to China town. Everywhere you go, I am so proud you are ours. You bundle of joy and love!

You have also been enjoying a plethora of pureed fruit and veggies. So far, you have had sweet potato, carrot, swede, green beans, courgette, pear and apple. Your favourite is apple, although I think carrot comes in close behind. Funnily enough, both are my favourites, too.

I know this next month will be so busy for you. You're going to learn so much, and I love watching you. I've started planning going back to work in a couple of months, and I want you to know something: If it was up to me, I would stay with you. I want to be able to see you grow, laugh, play, sleep, talk, sing, clap - everything. I want to be part of it all. But you know - Life. Life happens and I can't stay with you due to stupid things. I hope you understand, and I hope it won't effect both of us too much. Just know, I love you. I love being part of your life so very much.

Happy half birthday beautiful Milo Phoenix.

What makes the world go round

I love it when couples randomly stop in the street for a hug or a kiss. And then just carry on walking. Like whatever they were talking about, whatever one had said to other meant that they just couldn't wait - a kiss needed to be had. A little look, stop and remembrance of their love had to be shared.

Almost as beautiful as seeing a couple in their 50s or 60s holding hands. I love noticing these people, because if you think about it, it's rare. I love that my parents still hold hands. I never want to stop holding hands with Conrad. I think it's an important part of love. And to see people who have been together for years still sharing in such a small, intimate, sweet, loving, caring, trivial (some might think) everyday thing - it means they still like to feel the other's fingers intertwined around each other. They still like to be sharing everything: walking. Something so normal and everyday, but because they are holding hands they're doing it together.

Daddies talking to their children. Mothers talking to their children. Walking and learning things together, answering silly questions with love and patience. Stopping to talk about what kind of tree that is. The kind of joy that a little person shows in seeing the small things. The adventure that lives around every corner, the excitement that makes them want to run everywhere and get there quicker so they can experience it now!

Men in expensive suits who can't help but pet your dog. They're mid conversation about some stock exchange or some deal they're close to making, and they don't even notice their hand reach out and pet your dog mid-walk. Taking them back to their dog Patch they had when they were 10, remembering life, and God in the small things.

Those moments when you look around and feel a small shiver of excitement for no reason. Maybe the air is a little warmer and you can take a deep breathe and smell spring. Maybe you catch the aroma of a tree that grows in hot climates and it takes you back to a time when you weren't stressed, when you weren't swallowed by everyday tasks. Maybe you look in the sky and the trail of airplanes is fluffier than normal and you take a second to imagine the people up there, on an adventure to somewhere or on their way home.

Feeling suddenly small in the infinite world.

Knowing that your life changes somebody else's. That people really do care for you, realising it rather than knowing it.

Remembering for a moment that you are different than everyone else and that individuality is key to your own happiness and success.

Realising that love is in the small things. Life is in the small things. You are you, every year will be different, every phase of life will change you. What you know will change, what you think you know for sure will definitely change. You will change. Adventure changes for you. Love changes for you. Just remember to love the small things.

So I've been pretty emotional the past week or so. I hate writing when I'm emotional, because I'll come out with all sorts of things I'm not sure I want out there... maybe it would be different if it were an anonymous blog, but.. you know. I'm not so great at bearing my emotions at the best of times. Also it's pretty hard to pinpoint the source of said emotions and really understand them myself. It feels like both the big and small things in life are insurmountable and certain things circle round and round in my head like a broken nursery rhyme.

It may have to do with going in to work one day this week. It brought up all sorts of feelings to do with leaving Milo when I do eventually go back. It killed me. And then the lack of sleep I've been having which always makes me into a complete irrational emotional wreck... yuck. It may also have to do with all the pesky breastfeeding hormones still going round my body, or maybe the fact that this winter is taking forever to get gone. But I'm feeling it, and I'm trying to get rid of it. Just keep calm and carry on.

Well this song is one of the things that has been going round and round and round in my head, and it's just so beautiful and fitting of my love for Milo right now, so.. here it is. Lauryn Hill's song to her son, Zion.



I'm coming out of my emotion-hole so hopefully I'll write more later.

Milo Phoenix Sharp: 5 months

5 months, my little buddy.

5 months of cutie, pudgy, coy smiling, tongue sticking out, love-filled, snuggled-up Milo time.

You change every day, and it is so exciting to watch you. Your eyes light up with excitement when you figure out how to do something, you have a little 'concentrating' face whenever you're thinking especially hard. When you're sat in your bouncer, your love to kick your little legs. Kick, kick, kick. You love kicking. Kickedy kick kick kick. You still love standing up. It's impossible to get you to do anything else (almost)! When we're holding you, you stick your little legs out so you can't bend in the middle and then you go 'hooooo-oup!' and stand up. You have very strong little legs, my man. Everybody says so!

You still love holding your hands together in deep thought - or just because you're having a little explore. When you're on your play mat we'll look away for a second and ---- you're in a completely different place! You wiggle and jiggle and kick your way to a different spot. You have always been a bit of a mover and a shaker, and you're only growing more so day by day. Tummy time is no longer a huge struggle. Problem is, as soon as we put you on your tummy, you promptly role over with glee! Look at what I can do, mommy, you coo! Or, rather - goo. You love your 'goos' and your 'ah-goo'. At the moment your can't stop blowing raspberries at me, or at anything or anyone for that matter.

You hate to sleep in the day, you just can not get enough of life. The minute your little squishy backside is on the moses basket, you open your eyes up wide as if to say "Haha! I gotcha! I'm not asleep! Now - what next?!" Even when we go for walks in the pram or in your sling, you are determined to keep your eyes open. You will keep them starey-eyed for as long as you possibly can, until the inevitable sway of life knocks you out.

One big thing you've started this month is - wait for it! You've eaten proper food! *disclaimer to readers: please don't give me your opinion on this. my son is a big boy and my doctor recommended he needed to eat more than breastmilk. he was eating every 45 minutes. my.milk.was.not.enough.* moving on... so far, you have had pureed apple, pear, carrot and sweet potato! By far, your favourite is carrot. Not so much a fan of apple. But you are so cute when you're eating. You can't get enough, and you can't get it fast enough either, for that matter! It's so exciting to see you experiencing new tastes.

You have the most beautiful big blue eyes. They might still change to brown and of course will love them just as much. But they are so so beautiful. Full of curiosity, love, trust, life, excitement, mischief (already!)... Oh Milo, I love you!

We've got our little bedtime routine down now. You love to be read to, sung to, rocked, kissed and snuggled! You're such a perfect little snuggler. But oh - you still like to wake up at night! None of this sleeping through the night business for you, oh no! You gotta eat at least every 3 hours! Still! You little pudgy boy! But it's kind of understandable considering you're above the 95th percentile of your age group. We met a 7 month old yesterday and she was half the size of you! Literally!

While you snooze in bed right now, I miss your little face. I love you so much, I'm so proud to be your mother. I love how curious you are, I love how cheeky you are, I love how loving you are. I love how I can see how much you love me and your daddy. I can not wait till you can talk to us. I can not wait to see your personality shine through. Because I know you're perfect for us. My little man.

Lack of sleep (yes, I didn't knock on enough wood yesterday after writing the post...) caused me to shed a weepy tear or two after reading this poem.

Mother, oh Mother,
come shake out your cloth,
empty the dustpan,
poison the moth,
Hang out the washing
and butter the bread,
sew on a button and make up a bed.

Where is the mother whose house
is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery,
blissfully rocking.
Oh, I've grown shiftless as Little
Boy Blue (lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping's not done
and there's nothing for stew
and out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
but I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren't her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing
will wait till tomorrow,
for Children grow up,
as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs.
Dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep......

A corner

I really don't want to speak too soon - but. Something is going right. The past couple of days, it's been... normal? I went to the doctors with Milo yesterday for his third round of injections, and.. Well. I was sat in the waiting room and realised - I didn't feel panicked. I didn't feel overtired. I didn't feel like I could hyperventilate or start crying at any second. My heart wasn't racing. I felt like I was sat in the doctor's waiting room with Milo.

It felt good!

I sound slightly crazed, I'm sure, but the past 4 months has been pretty hardcore. I know every mother goes through it, but seriously. My son eats a lot, and for me this basically has meant constant feeding, and as soon as we arrived anywhere - he wanted to eat!!! I was always super paranoid he would cry and not stop in public, constantly paranoid someone would look down on me as a mother because 'they knew better' etc. etc. I think I would have gotten to this point sooner, but I got sick, and Milo got sick. I had a BAD virus, Milo had BAD bronchiolitis where he couldn't breathe. Everything stopped progressing and I became panicked mother from hell..

Phew. It feels so good. I feel like something is going right, something has clicked. I'm no longer in automatic baby-looking-after mode, I'm Rachel with a baby. Phew and breathe deep.

And then I was preggo.

To mark the day that Milo rolled over (front to back) and in honour of being days away from when I found out I was pregnant, I want to write down as many things as I can about weird/funny/memorable things about while I was pregnant. Because I forget things easily, and it's nice to remember these things. A lot of these things to do with drink or food, I didn't actually realise till after I was pregnant.

• I drank fizzy orange all the time. Soda and cordial at home, Fanta or Tango while out and about. Couldn't get enough of the stuff. Didn't wanna drink anything else. Cordial and still water would not do. Coke was okay, blackcurrant and sparkling water - no way! Everything else was not good enough.
  
  
• I wanted to eat cheeseburgers all the time. I was so happy that on my last day being pregnant, me and my co-workers went to The Diner - best burger and chips of my life. Seriously. Best food of my life, MAYBE.
  
  
• I didn't have cravings, per se - I just wanted fatty stuff. Anything fatty would do. I only realised this after I had stopped being pregnant, though. I ate a lot of mayonnaise, a lot of sausages, a lot of stodge. I always wanted burgers, I always wanted chips/fries. Many times, I even had sausage sandwiches. Seriously. With mayonnaise.
  
  
• When I drank fizzy drinks, Milo would move. He seemed to like fizzy drinks.
  
  
• The first time I felt Milo move (or actually 100% realised it was him), I was 14 weeks along. I was lying on my back in bed, I had my hand on my stomach and I felt a little poke. Like a finger poke from the inside. Thing is, I felt it on the outside. Conrad was in the other room and I shouted him to come in saying "I FELT THE BABY KICK!" I could tell he didn't believe me, so I made him put his hand on my stomach and wait.... 2 minutes later, HE FELT IT TOO! It was amazing. So the first time I felt Milo, Conrad felt him too. That made me, and still makes me, happy.
  
  
• I didn't really start properly showing till at least 6 months. I only really looked pregnant pregnant when I was around 7 months. I was upset about this - I wanted to be big! I was jealous of friends who were as far along as me and bigger. I hear this changes with the second pregnancy, so we shall see!
  
  
• I don't know if it's because I didn't start showing till quite late, but I never got sick of being pregnant. I kept getting told that by the end I would be ready for the little guy to just GET OUT! But I never had even a second of that. It was a surprise to go into labour when I did, so maybe if I had been pregnant a little longer, I would have felt it. But I never got sick of it - I truly loved being pregnant.

• I could always see my toes. I could always get up.
  
  
• By the end, I had BAD heartburn. When I bent over, when I lay down - it was bad. Gavisgon just made me feel sick. I lived on Tums. Tums every other second. If I didn't have Tums, I was screwed and I had to get to a chemist, quick. One of the first things I remember thinking after Milo came out (or that day) was "Hey - I don't have heartburn anymore!!"
  
  
• I cycled 6 miles to work and 6 miles back throughout my pregnancy, everyday, up until I was 34 weeks pregnant and started getting high blood pressure. I even carried on then, but my doctor told me to stop, purely because "she wouldn't want me going into labour on the side of the road". So, I stopped. And if people are going to get all hoity toity about me not protecting my unborn son - seriously? Crossing the road is more dangerous, and what about letting your child sit on the back of the bike? Just as dangerous. What about a child riding a bike? Just as dangerous. More people get knocked over crossing the road in London then ever get knocked over on a bike - and whether you like to think it or not, cyclists do have control over these things. There are safe ways to ride, just don't be stupid.
  

• I could feel Milo moving almost constantly after a while, he was a big mover and shaker. Still is. He also got the hiccups a lot. He still does.
  
  
• Conrad would sing to my stomach every night. Mostly Harry Nilsson. When Conrad sings those songs now, Milo seriously loves it. Seriously.
  
  
• A couple weeks before I gave birth, I went to start the car and it wouldn't start. Without thinking, I thought "the gas has run out". I proceeded to get the gas bucket (or whatever it's called), grab my umbrella in the pouring rain, and shlep to the garage to get some gas. I then shlepped back, tried to put it in and couldn't - an hour and a half later, I finally went to Conrad for help. He was shocked and appalled that I had tried to do this all on my own. I hadn't once thought that because I was heavily pregnant I should perhaps get some help. I was silly.

• I didn't know anybody else (that I know nearby) that was pregnant, or know anybody else with babies or children. My friend at work who doesn't have children knew way more than me about everything. She threw me a baby shower, and one of the games you had to name different things like 'cradle cap' 'breast pads', etc... I had no idea what any of these things were. She looked at me, scared, and the worst thing was - I was holding back about how much I didn't know. I didn't know ANYTHING. Luckily we were scheduled in for some 'parenting classes' which basically saved our lives. Three sessions that taught us everything we needed to know about giving birth and the first few weeks with baby. All I know is down to that wonderful, god-sent midwife.
  

• I felt beautiful being pregnant. I felt more beautiful than I had my whole life. As a person with quite low self esteem, this was a big deal. I looked at myself in the mirror everyday and really liked what I saw.

• I didn't have morning sickness. Or sickness. I was so lucky. I went by the whole pregnancy without the whole 'I have to puke' thing. I felt so, so lucky.
  
  
• I stayed off from work the day I found out I was pregnant. I truthfully stayed off because I thought I might be, and I wanted to take a test at home. I was pregnant and I had to wait until Conrad got home to tell him. I made beef stroganoff (one of his favourites) and hoped to tell him over dinner. I couldn't wait that long. Dinner was almost ready, he was watching 'Grand Designs' on TV and I asked him what happened with his day. He said not a lot. I said 'do you want to ask me what I did?' and he said 'okay... how was your day?' I said 'I bought a pregnancy test'. He said 'and are you?' and i said 'yes!'... HAHA. Very weird and uneventful. It took a while for it to sink in for him (and for me, I think!)

• I only took one test.
  

• For the first 3 months, I didn't drink caffeine. It almost killed me. I thought maybe this would help me go off of it - or something - but it just made my love/addiction that much stronger. I didn't get used to it, I didn't wake up in the morning fully - I just felt dazed and confused. I love coffee. It loves me. We're getting married.
  

• We announced my pregnancy to all our friends and Conrad's surprise 30th birthday party. It felt so special. One of our close friends said "Ladies and gentlemen - RACHEL SHARP!" and everyone clapped. One of the funniest and loveliest moments ever.

• I used bio-oil every night before bedtime on my stomach and back. It worked for me - no stretch marks. Highly expensive, but highly recommended. Worth every penny.
  
  
• I went off of garlic. This was tragic for me. I love garlic! But I just didn't want it, it made me feel sick. And even if Conrad had garlic and I could faintly smell it on him, I hated it. Yuck. Gladly, this has now disappeared and my love affair with the smelly stuff is back in full force.

Well, that's all I can think of for now. I want to add to this, so I may just keep coming back whenever I think of anything. I really don't want to forget - I know that every pregnancy is different, and this one was so special because it was my first. I loved it, and I want it to be kept firmly in my heart.