I’m feeling slightly thwarted at the moment. I’m trying desperately to put into practice ‘mind over matter’. If I think things are a certain way, then they are that way. Am I being vague? Yes, that is deliberate.
I have become easily intimidated. By people who have the appearance of having it together, of being able to put across an intelligent point. My brain is mush, I’m tired, my mind is somewhere else… I feel like I want to do everything I need to do well, but I’m just not quite doing anything at all. I want to be a loving, intelligent, thoughtful, hard-working person. I feel there are too many things to do, too many things to think about, too many problems to solve. My head is near explosion. So I am intimidated by those who have the time to think, have the time to sit and make lists about what needs to be done. I don’t even have the headspace for that. I feel like I am unable to be the person I want to be. A good mother, a loving and kind wife, a hard-worker, a clean, positive, well-thought out person, a thoughtful friend, a happy and earnest volunteer, a Godly, giving woman who knows what she believes and what she is doing. Someone who can take a joke and can see things light-heartedly, brings joy to a room.
Instead, I feel lazy and tired and thoughtless and powerless and stretched. I feel haggard and ugly and unable to do any of the things I need to and want to do. I feel inarticulate, unproductive and silly.
So there it is. Let this be the start of mind over matter: I am a good person and I will do my best today to be what I want and who I should be.
2 comments:
Awwwww....I know this feeling very, very well. Hugging you from so very far away.
(((HUGS)))
AH! No! I know this too. Everything feels a bit out of control? you can't get a handle on anything... bad bad bad feelings. Maybe you're overdue for a good cry? A let it out - heave and sob cry? Release all the built up feelings. Oof - I hate that you're feeling this way. I wish I could tell you the exact one best thing to fix it - obv. there isn't a one thing...boo. I will tell you this though - what you are doing right now is hard - it is very hard - your emotions are torn between home and work and you probably feel you have nothing left to give Conrad. Your brain is scattered, your emotions are scattered and you feel your energy being drained. A bit? In the least - do not feel like this scatter is for no reasons or for illegitimate reasons. You are justifiably scattered. So - at least don't feel guilty about it. You're doing a lot and you're doing big things. hug from me too. love.
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