I really don't want to speak too soon - but. Something is going right. The past couple of days, it's been... normal? I went to the doctors with Milo yesterday for his third round of injections, and.. Well. I was sat in the waiting room and realised - I didn't feel panicked. I didn't feel overtired. I didn't feel like I could hyperventilate or start crying at any second. My heart wasn't racing. I felt like I was sat in the doctor's waiting room with Milo.
It felt good!
I sound slightly crazed, I'm sure, but the past 4 months has been pretty hardcore. I know every mother goes through it, but seriously. My son eats a lot, and for me this basically has meant constant feeding, and as soon as we arrived anywhere - he wanted to eat!!! I was always super paranoid he would cry and not stop in public, constantly paranoid someone would look down on me as a mother because 'they knew better' etc. etc. I think I would have gotten to this point sooner, but I got sick, and Milo got sick. I had a BAD virus, Milo had BAD bronchiolitis where he couldn't breathe. Everything stopped progressing and I became panicked mother from hell..
Phew. It feels so good. I feel like something is going right, something has clicked. I'm no longer in automatic baby-looking-after mode, I'm Rachel with a baby. Phew and breathe deep.
2 comments:
Savor the moment and remind yourself of it the next time you feel the overwhelm. You're a wonderful, mother, Rachel. Never doubt yourself.
I'm excited for you about the idea of you being you again. You said you felt like you weren't yourself while we were there. I'm excited for you to feel less like a zombie woman with a baby and more like Rachel, who now has a son, named Milo.
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