Happiness

In my job, I am becoming increasingly aware of how depressed everyone is. Not every day in the people that I meet, although a good portion of the people I know do have depression. But depression in the people of England as a whole.

I don't want to write down the name of the inquiry I work for here, in case someone up and finds it and leaves me feeling slightly foolish. But it's basically an inquiry into what effects the wellbeing of children and young people in England today, and what steps we can go towards making it better.

Okay, of course this is a mammoth task. But the one thing that strikes me is how Hapinness and Love come up an awful lot. Children need Love. Children need happiness. Well, don't we all? And when we're talking about happiness, we're not talking about a feeling of glee or 'happiness' that you have when you buy something, or when you eat something. Happiness is indeed something that needs to be looked at on a deeper level - What is it and why is it that happiness is lacking almost everywhere?

I myself am quite a happy person (I think?). I don't like to be negative for very long. There was a period of over a year that made me extremely unhappy, but that had grown from my circumstances and my hatred for my own circumstances. I took control over them and I changed them, and since I have experienced happiness again. Not many depressed people can do that. Mine was born completely out of circumstances. I don't have a chemical imbalance, but I do know several people that do, and it effects their lives every single day.

There are certain things that bring satisfaction and happiness to people's lives - are these things lacking (for the most part) in people's lives? I don't get it. Was depression around long ago, and we just didn't have a name for it? There was no 'cure'? Is depression a new thing? I don't mean to be talking just about depression, but it confuses me.

Is this the curse of modern life? What is 'missing'? Is anything missing at all? Do we no longer know how to seek out happiness in our lives? Was this chemical imbalance around in history? Has it creeped in through the development of modern life, sparking something that was already there?

I suppose I will never know.

Forever Itching

So I'm wondering when this itchy feet thing will ever go away, if my desire to just pack up and leave will ever be sedated. I'm beginning to think not.

Conrad is on tour at the moment, leaving me Single in London. I don't much like being alone, particularly because of the fact that it just reminds me that I want to go. Anywhere. Soon, please.

I sit around reading facebook and all my friends from here there and everywhere. They speak of Manila and of the rain and sun and school. They speak of my teenager years, of my past. I want to go there. It seems that everyone from those days wants to go back - planning quick trips over Christmas, trying to figure out some way of working there. I miss the way of life, I miss manana . Why do today what you can do tomorrow?

It's difficult when you're homesick for a home that no longer exists. When, in order to go home you have to go the 3 or 4 places at once, and still then - it will not be the same.

I know that if I left London I would miss it. I know that this will never go away, it's just hard to not feel like this when my reason for living here is gone.

Kindred Spirit

Today is the birthday of a spectacular lady, whose loving character, humble nature and playful personality makes me happy everyday. My mom.

I've always been a mommy's girl, which definitely doesn't mean I love my dad any less. Just me and my mom are a lot alike. Conrad comments regularly on things that I say or do that are like my mom - and when we're together he just looks at us as if to say 'now I don't have to deal with just one, but TWO of you??'

My mom and I go to Alton Towers together, usually ending with her forcing me onto the most dangerous and scary ride there is - calling me a scaredy cat if I appear slightly afraid. My mom scours e-bay to look for PlayStation games that we can play together when I'm home, spending hours exploring magical worlds as a team. My mom takes me out for and Indian meal where we sit and talk for hours, eating far too much pasanda.

When I'm sick, there's still no-one better then my mom to make me feel like every thing's going to be okay, and she understands and will do anything to try and make me feel better. The same goes if I'm generally feeling a bit blue. Nothing like a good sympathetic shoulder like my mom.

Quite often you'll find my mother and I singing songs on the top of our lungs that we're making up as we go along, improvisational little testimonies to our likeness. We like to be silly together - it's just fun.

My mom is alone today on her birthday which makes me sad. I hope she realises how many people across the world appreciate and love her, even though they aren't able to tell her every day.

Happy Birthday Mom!!

Nester

There's something exciting about digging through the hordes of shoes at the bottom of my closet, throwing the flipflops behind me in eager anticipation of reaching The Knee-Length Boots. It's October, it's raining, and I want to be cosy. Zipping up my boots, I get a chill from the cold leather lining. The chillsome air starts feeling more welcoming as I tie up my long warm winter coat.

I walk outside in the moisture filled air and push up my umbrella. Today is the first day I need an umbrella, the first day I need my coat, the first day I wear my boots. I'm feeling cosy as I walk to the bus stop, already looking forward to the moments when I get home and feel the shock of warm air on my face.

I love autumn.

I can smell the damp leaves falling from the trees lining my street. I can taste the moisture in the air, trying to creep past my scarf.

I've decided tonight I'm going to read a book. Get home, take a bath, and read in the yellowish light coming in from the street. I realise it's time to free the blue Grandma-knitted blanket from the trunk in the bedroom, wrap it round myself while I drink tea and nibble on whatever biscuits I can reach from my position on the couch.

Greys and blacks and reds and dark browns.

Autumn is here.

My Bizarre Weekend

This evening I will be driving here:

(Knebworth House)

To spend the weekend camping on the grounds and taking part in this:

...Noddy Land.

Rest assured, I will be taking many a photo and will share with you all when I get back.

It's going to be like one LSD-induced weird-human-sized-doll-creatures mixed with Pride-and-Prejudice-grandeur.

Ah, life as an actor's fiance...

Just Cause

So, I'm sat here - slightly bored, slightly cheeky, slightly brimming with nothing-thoughts. Whenever I start to get a bit ancy, I have to float up a bit and try and look at it all from above, from a less-fortunate frame of mind.

The reason I haven't been writing in blog-land is because I no longer feel the need to vent frustrations and share awful moments that are going on in my life. Because there don't seem to be any! My 25th has definitely been a good year (so far!). Marriage proposals, new proper jobs, experiencing new cultures, cutesy little apartment that allows us to whisk ourselves (and any one who happens to be visiting at the time) to the heart of My Favourite City.

Just a side note, I don't know what it is about the capital of England, but there's some kind of force that makes me, a person totally against patriotism and pride of country, feel pride and a sense of belonging so quickly. An article on the BBC the other day quoted research on immigrants in London and it was found that none of them felt English, but that most of them thought of themselves as Londoners. I personally feel that Londoners are a breed of their own; on the most part, an undersatnding, welcoming, vibrant town that seek out new cultures and new traditions whilst at the same time, maintaining an understanding of where it's coming from and pride of history.

Perhaps my favourite thing about London is that it's pretty hard to get bored. And on a weekend with no money, you can walk around and soak up the buzz, soak up the big city vibe and explore.

This year, I have been fortunate enough to travel. And my appetite for travel is not easily satisfied.

1. February saw me whisked off to Paris to be proposed to...

2. I spent a long and cultured (albeit windy) weekend in Brighton, one of the few English towns I hadn't previously been privileged enough to visit.

3. In July I was lucky enough to be invited to a traditional Buddhist Japanese wedding, in Japan...

There are way too many pictures from Japan- I may have to post on them soon!

4. And a week from today I'm flying across the Atlantic to chose myself a wedding dress in the good ol' U S of A.

So when I sit here shivering in this awful grey, windy (will we ever have a British summer again?) little office I can remember that this year has been extremely good to me, and it's still only August.

Yes, things happen that aren't top-notch. Not every day is exciting and full of treats; normal life is full of evenings watching TV shows that you're ashamed of watching, spending far too much time on public transport for your liking, slacking off at work when your boss is away on holiday, whiling away hours on facebook comparing your own life with those you knew when you were 2 years old.

But I'm so glad that when I take a step back and actually think about it, I am fortunate. I'm living a life that I would look forward to as a kid, that I know I'm being truthful to myself and my values and what I think life should be lived like. I take joy in the small things and get excited for absolutely no reason at all.

Big News

I received My Very Own Business Cards today.

I have arrived.

Don't you hate it when...

...You take your camera to an important event and the batteries run out after two pictures..?? Well, don't you?

Here are the couple of pictures that survived from Conrad's mom's 60th Bday party:

Ain't my mama pretty?

By Popular Demand

Well flattery will get you everywhere around here. There is too much to say and too much that I'm feeling right now to speak of emotions and such. My life has woken up again and I wake up in the morning with a purpose. I end the day on Friday with a purpose. I go out to the theatre, I make dates with friends to do things. It's a wonder how circumstances can change your heart.

So without having to go into all my thoughts I thought I would show you what a proper fondue looks like. These pictures were taken on my Birthday in December... I think it's taken me long enough to get around to doing this!!

Fondue, Rachel-style:

1. First and foremostly, have absolutely nothing to do with the cooking of the fondue. This tends to work better when your dad was taught by an Old Swiss Wiseman how to cook fondue, 'secret' ingredients included.

2. Walk around going on about how hungry you are and how good it smells. Snack on plenty of olives - preferably green, but if you substitute for a black one now and then, you should still get the same effect.

3. Set the table as elaborately as humanly possible. Use the china that your parents received as a wedding gift 35 years ago if you have to. This is essential to the 'mood' of your fondue. The fondue does not appreciate being under-valued.

4. Bully your father into making his garlic mushrooms, even though everyone thinks they are wildly inappopriate for fondue.

5. Make a ridiculously English pot of tea, and enjoy with your pinky extended into the air.

6. Snack on mini little tears of fluffy white bread, filling your tummy before you've even started with the best bit.

7. Most Importantly - Enjoy thoroughly.

Poor bloggy!

I feel like my blog is a forgotten-about stuffed toy that I keep away in my room and don't tell anyone about. It's forlorn, it's neglected, it's sat here on it's own with nothing to do. I've moved on to the bigger toys, but it's not my blogs fault. I just don't have the heart to pack it away in a box and store it in the attic, so it sits here waiting. I'm too attached to it, and it might give me some comfort one day when I'm really needing it.

So my stuffed toy will keep it's seat on the top of my cupboard (just out of reach) for now.