Poor bloggy!

I feel like my blog is a forgotten-about stuffed toy that I keep away in my room and don't tell anyone about. It's forlorn, it's neglected, it's sat here on it's own with nothing to do. I've moved on to the bigger toys, but it's not my blogs fault. I just don't have the heart to pack it away in a box and store it in the attic, so it sits here waiting. I'm too attached to it, and it might give me some comfort one day when I'm really needing it.

So my stuffed toy will keep it's seat on the top of my cupboard (just out of reach) for now.

Quick Update

I am:

*Shocked by my new boss' intant confidence and faith in me

*Surprised by my own ability to concentrate and work hard.

*Understanding of why I was so depressed in my old job

*Feeling like the old 'Me'

*Happy

*Challenged.

*Realising that I LOVE being challenged.

*Feeling very hopeful for the future.

*Oh... once again, happy.

Summer in the City

Last weekend was endlessly pleasant. I'm discovering that London is a city that thrives in the sunshine. As soon as the sun comes out, everyone is sprawled in the sun and remarkably happier then they were before. It's like a massive prozac pill for the city. I love it.

On Sunday we decided to wander down to Hyde Park and have our first Picnic In The City. It was the same day as the London Marathon, and absolutely everyone was out and about. It was probably the best couple of hours of people watching that I've ever experienced (and the sunglasses most definitely helped in disgusing our nosy eyes!) We were sat amongst kite-flyers, frisbee-throwers, badminton players, and even in close proximity of a 3-man wrestle practice (one guy had his cod-piece on the OUT-SIDE of this trousers. Considering the fact that they looked like they were having some three-way orgy in the park, this did NOT help him look any cooler). There were many couples picnicking, reading books and generally being happy that the sun was out.

After picnic in the park we decided to go to a Greek restaurant that sits on the South Bank of the Thames. We watched the sun go down over London whilst snacking on taramasalata, tsatziki, flat bread, olives, souvlaki, king prawns.. Mmmmm. I just started drooling. The atmosphere was amazing, with a prime view point of St. Paul's Cathedral.

Considering this is our first summery outing of the year, I think it's safe to say that this summer in the city is going to be a good one.

Steak and Ale Pie

Proof that Conrad is so good at cooking and I the reason that I am so good at eating:

That Old Chestnut

Being 25 and all, I seem to be learning more things about myself as I go along. I know this is one of the things that everyone tells us will happen. You become more used to your skin. You grow into yourself. You understand more who you are.

A minor thing I'm beginning to realise is that I have quite an impulsive, slightly obsessive personality. I find something new and go charging gung-ho into the new 'project'. After a couple of months and after many hours of obsessing, constantly thinking about it, centering my life around it, interest tends to wane. I love blogging. I love feeling like there's somewhere I can write. I have always loved writing, I even flirted with the idea of becoming a journalist at one point.

I am also somewhat of a perfectionist. If I do something, I want to do it perfectly. I don't want to do anything half way or without a million per cent of my energy. My dad always described me (not particularly in a good way) as someone who never had any grey. Everything was always blackest black or whitest white - I couldn't have anything in between. I wonder if that is an aspect of perfectionism?

Anyway, the point I'm driving at is that I am finding it difficult to blog right now. There's nothing extremely poetic to talk about, I have no romantic stories, no qwerky descriptions of my daily routine. My need to blog also came from endless hours of boredom at work - this is THANKFULLY no longer the case. Friday is my last day, and it could not come quicker. So I will no longer have 8 hours a day to peruse strangers typed-out lives and dwell on subject titles for a blog post.

Hopefully this won't be the end. Knowing me, as soon as I say I won't blog anymore I'll be posting 10 times a day (remember the whole black or white thing?).

Carrying on in German Tradition

This Easter, my parents reminded me of a tradition we took up whilst living in Germany:

The Easter Tree.

At first you might think this is a bit odd, but it became another special addition to Easter-time. My sister and I would decorate eggs ourselves to hang on the tree along with store-bought equivalents.

I was surprised to find that my mom had been storing these eggs all the while, and it was funny to see what my 10/11 year old mind created. Needless to say, Allie's eggs were always a little more intricate and made a little more sense.

The 'twig' aka 'Easter tree' came from my parent's very own contortia tree outisde.

It's good to bring back old traditions that you forgot even existed.

How To Say?

I want to write a blog post, but I have nothing to say. Right this second I feel a little bit sleepy, a little bit excited, a little bit head-achy, a little bit tanned, a little bit chilly. This week is kind of a non-week. I got back on Sunday night from 10 days away to Manchester (some might say my 'home-town' if I had one of those) and next week is my last week at work. So, nothing much to say about this week. It's a strange limbo-land where I'm on the edge, full of nervous anticipation, but I'm almost there - I'm at the tipping point.

I had soooo much fun in Mancy-town. Mom and I went wedding dress shopping (of which we are NOT finished. I am going to drag this amazingly fun experience on as long as humanly possible - especially if I get some free champagne out of it!) I decided I don't hate strapless as much as I thought. In fact, I'm actually contemplating buying a strapless wedding dress! Who would have thunk it?

We went to go look at yet another wedding chapel which was PERFECT. It is the oldest chapel in the area (late 1800s I think) out in the country. But it was just too small. I would literally walk about 2 steps and be at the front. So, we're in a bit of limbo with that too at the moment.

We have booked our tickets to go to Japan in June/July for Conrad's brother's wedding. I'm looking forward to this, but it's kind of killing me a little bit that we are just a hop-skip and swim away from the Philippines and we're not going to be going there. I always assumed the next time I would be in that part of the world would be to show Conrad the country that remains so firmly stamped on my heart. I'm thinking of just booking a quick flight on my own and going over there for an afternoon! How is it that I still miss it so bad? I really hope it doesn't overshadow the trip to Japan - that I'll be comparing everything to Manila, and looking lustfully across the sea towards my 3rd 'homeland'. I love it so.

Enough randomness for now. When I get home tonight I'm going to post some piccys of our trip to Manchester. We gave the little mini a run for it's money across a large part of England. He held up well.

Meant To Be? I Think So.

The reason I'm being quite sketchy about my new job's description is because I'm a little concerned someone might do a google search looking for it, and find my blog... And I'm not really sure this is how I want to introduce myself into my new life. "Hey guys.. here are all my guts neatly organised and spilt out onto a blog page!! Enjoy!"

What I can and want to say is that it's for a chidren's charity that believe in social justice. There is a small group of people that have come together to research into a cause, and I am going to be the administrator for it. This role seems to fit so neatly into my life right now for a few reasons:

- The only real experience I have in the workplace is pretty much administrational. This is such a good way to use that experience to get in the door, and knock their socks off, then going on to single-handedly save the world.

- My degree was cultural studies/sociology course with a massive emphasis on research. They really seemed to be happy about this.

-My new boss is amazing. She is at the most 35 years old, and she is absolutely everything what I want to be in ten year's time. When I was talking about why I wanted to leave my job and go into charity, she said that she had also worked for Goldman Sachs in a similar role to what I do. The glint in her eye proved to me that she knew EXACTLY what I was talking about and why I was totally at the end of my tether as far as life in this environment goes. She may as well have pulled out a walky talky and whispered "She's one of us! Get. Her. Outta there!"

-At the end of the interview, I actually said "This is all so exciting...!" At the time I thought this may have been the death of me. But I think they actually liked my crazed, inappopriate displays of excitement.

-I was a bit scared about the massive pay cut I was going to have to take to change roles after leaving a blood-sucking money driven environment (that obviously pays quite well). I was given an offer that was quite low yesterday and I was nervous, but it wasn't going to stop me going for the job. Today, my boss called me and told me that she thought the offer they had given me was unfair due to my experience and how much she thinks I'm bringing to the project. She changed her offer. It's still not as much as I'm making now, but it's about half the amount of paycut that I was taking before. I couldn't believe it. I hadn't even mentioned the fact that I was upset about it, she just offered it to me.

-I'm actually going to be helping people. Seriously.

This job has changed my life. And I haven't even started it yet. It fits in to everything that I want to be - I can actually see my future now, and it is so so so happy.

And The Future Seems Sunny

So I went for an interview yesterday at a large children's charity based in London.

About 5 minutes after I got home from the interview, I got a call, and I got the job.

I have been in a state of dis-belief and excitement since yesterday at approximately 5pm. I am so excited. I am so in awe. It's as though everything was meant to be.

I feel peace.

All pieces of my messed up puzzle of a life seem to be fitting together quite well - for the first time ever.

Perhaps I am okay at this 'being an adult' thing after all.

Is it because I'm Postmodern?

Post modernity does not only exist in art and film. Post modernity is a way of life. My sister has claimed many a time that the way I think is very 'postmodern'. But what is it? Why is the term so hard to put your finger on? My degree actually focused on post modernity as a major part of one of my modules. I still find it difficult to define.

Mostly postmodernism is used to describe art, film, and architecture. In this way I have inherently postmodern taste. Among my favourite movies are;

1.) Memento, where the story starts at the conclusion and scene by scene takes it back to the beginning.

2) Mulholland Drive - One of David Lynch's many stylish yet confusing movies. I was spell-bound the entire way through (while my not-so- impressed friends decided to go into the other room). For the next couple of weeks, I asked almost everyone I knew if they had watched it. And if they had, I wanted a full-on discussion about what it all meant. What does the blue box signify?

One of my current favourite pieces of 'art' is an instillation in the Tate Modern. You walk into a dark room with an entire wall that is a screen. The screen is split into about 20 images. In each image there is a different musician from a movie - each screen is going on at the same time - sometimes people are playing trumpets, sometimes they're singing, at one point every single person is playing a different kind of drum. The musicians in each screen do not relate to one another, yet at the same time they compliment each other greatly. Sometimes they clash. It is immensely difficult to describe, but when you're watching it, it evokes immense emotions. (well, for me anyway.)

The Urban Dictionary calls it;

"The idea that there is no objective meaning, only subjective meaning, the meaning one brings to a thing, irrespective of the intent of the author, or of reality."

Many definitions of postmodernism include the word 'rejection' - the idea that it is a response to modernity, or to previous generation’s idea of art and culture. It is perhaps a reaction to structured life. The world has opened up to everybody through television, the internet, in ways people may not have imagined it would. We have more opportunities then before, and people are less happy to be defined, the structures of film and art are fuzzy and unstructured.

"It is the breaking of traditional frames of genre, structure and stylistic unity.. it values the play and juxtaposition of ideas from different contexts"

Due to the globalisation of cultures, there are different influences in our lives that may not have been there before. We are more concerned with a short film clip somebody has created in Japan, more excited by an event taking place in Peru - Everything we read, hear, see becomes a part of our cultural make-up. Therefore our culture gets more varied. This will of course effect the music that is made, the art that is created. Part of our postmodern selves crave new sights, new sounds, new insights. Art becomes the graffiti we see on the way to work, the internet site with letters from anonymous people to unknown recipients.

Why am I going on about this?

This postmodern way of living does not exist only in the cultural aspects of our lives. Perhaps the reason I can't find a job is due to my high expectations. Perhaps it is because I want a piece out of every pie and that just isn't possible? Because we know about what is out there, because we know what is possible, we can not be satisfied? Does our job actually define us like it used to? If so, how does one get the job to define us? And since we are so against being put in a box and 'defined’ how on earth do you figure that one out? Who are we and what are we meant to be doing???

Being of typical postmodern mind, these are just my thoughts at this moment in time. Perhaps tomorrow I will blame something else for my lack of .. fulfillment (for want of a better word). The lethal mixture of TCK-ness and postmodern ideology make it difficult to be decisive about my life, about what I want, about what I should be doing. I sometimes just want to give up trying and just be normal. But there is still the 8 year old inside of me that expects me to be the best I can be, to satisfy the cravings of abnormality and individualism; to make some kind of name for myself in this massive world that is just at the edge of my fingertips.