Empowerment

Tonight, I am off to see two of my favourite women - amazing song writers and thinkers. Every day I listen to one of their songs to remind me that it's okay to be ME. Does that make sense?

Here's one:

I've been glaring into mirrors, picking myself apart
you'd think at my age I'd have thought of something better to do
than make insecurity into a full time job, make insecurity into an art

yes and I fear my life will be over and I will have never lived it unfettered
always glaring into mirrors, mad I don't look better
but now here is this tiny baby
and they say she looks just like me
and she is smiling at me with that present infant glee
and I would defend to the ends of the earth
her perfect right to be

so I'm beginning to see some problems
with the ongoing work of my mind
and I've got myself a new mantra
it says "don't forget to have a good time"

don't let the sellers of stuff
power enough to rob you of your grace
love is all over the place
there's nothing wrong with your face

Strange how I need to be reminded of the simplest of things...

Migraine Hell

Friday morning treated me to a lovely migraine. The kind of migraine that knocks me out for days. It hit while I was sat at my desk about to type an email. All of a sudden I couldn't see parts of the computer screen. Crap. I knew exactly what was happening. I opened up a book laying on my desk to see if I could read it, and I couldn't. White flashy lights were dancing in front of my eyes where the text should have been.

It's hard to tell people what is going on during a migraine without sounding like you're lying. To say that ten minutes ago I was fine, laughing and talking about what to have for lunch and then suddenly.. Well, now I have to leave straight away without further ado so I can get home before the nausea hits.

Migraines are not fun. I got home and slept till 7 o'clock, woke up and walked around a bit then decided I was too tired and slept for another 14 hours. I still feel a bit sick, I still have a headache. Headache isn't really the right word for it though... It's more that some kind of spiky bug has taken residency inside your brain and is pretty reluctant to get out. And the painkillers, they do not help.

All I can do is wait for it to go away.

Saving the earth the fun way

I am not a sporty kinda girl. I avoid sport and exercise like crazy. But recently, I have been able to lose weight and not even have to think about it. In fact, I'm eating MORE food and MORE chocolate than I ever have!

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me start at the beginning.

After we got back from our honeymoon, I decided to tackle the problem that was my travel to work. We had moved to a beautiful new apartment with two bedrooms and a small outdoor space - we love it! The problem was, the trip to work became a nightmare. There was no easy way to get there, no easy route. On average it would take an hour and a half! And I only live six miles away! That is insane! My mood would slowly deteriorate and I started to dread the long haul home.

My colleague then presented a solution to me. Riding a bike! And oh people, this has changed my life. It no longer takes an hour and a half, but a mere 40 minutes to get there! And I have lost so much weight already, without even trying.

My friend was kind enough to lend me her bike for the past 6 weeks, and then something horrible happened - the bike got stolen out of the bike shed at work, where I had left it overnight. Oh dear. You can imagine my devastation.

But - to think on the bright side, it was quite an old bike, and now... NOW! I introduce my new Dutchie:

I'm going to go pick it up tonight, and I could not be more excited! It is originally from Holland and made in the traditional 'sit up and beg' style. The point is that you can wear whatever you want and be sat in the upright position on your cycle to work. Plus, it's very pretty.

So, if you are able - I highly recommend cycling to work. It knocks off so much commuter time, frees your mind from the constraints of modern society and my oh my it helps your figure! Just think of all those extra M & M's you could be eating.

One

I stepped forward onto the foggy street. It was not foggy in the English way – cold, damp seeping through my clothes and onto my skin and further into my bones. The mist was warm, hot and tasted delicious. Like if I tried hard enough I could open my mouth and the air would taste sweet, easing down my throat to warm me from the inside.

I did not need to be warmed. I raised my hand to wipe the slight moist from my upper lip – any attempt at cosmetics would no longer be made; the foggy city had quickly taught me that any attempt for vanity would sweat away.

The street was full of people. People who had something to do but were in no particular rush to get there and do it. A man crossed in front of me, attempting not to stare at the tall white, leggy woman who so obviously did not belong there. Another lesson stored earnestly in my mind: the innocent dress bought in the comfort of an air-conditioned mall did not translate well onto the concrete men-filled streets here.

And life carries on

The flurry of pre and post-wedding days are slowly fading into pleasant memories that will, I'm sure, stay with me forever. The reality of marriage begins - and with it, more excitement that wasn't even expected.

The light pleasantness of calling him 'my husband' to anyone who will listen.

Feeling part of a strong new family that has a massive expanse of space and time ahead of us that we can fill with whatever we wish.

Making life-changing decisions together, being one million per cent happy that we are meant to be where we are, right now.

Looking forward to cozy Autumnal evenings wrapped in woolen blankets, securely surrounded by love and hope.

I loved our wedding. I loved being surrounded by people we cared intensely about. But I also love being married and calling my love 'my husband'. Being able to live life as one.

When I started this blog, I had a lot to say and I wanted to say it as quickly and passionately as I could. I have a feeling writing on here helped sort my head out, and incidentally has helped me sort my life out, too. So in a sense, I never feel like I need to spill my guts somewhere where people will listen to me and understand me, or if not at least the Internet would.

Therefore, this site will be on temporary leave. I just wanted you all to know so that you could take me off of your lists (if you have me on there in the first place). Because at the moment, my mind is clear and I feel calm in myself. No need to let the liquid fire out of heart and mind, through my fingertips and onto the computer screen.

It's funny that the times when you're most trapped and unhappy are the times when you write the best. What happens to the tortured artist when they are no longer tortured?

So I am here, I am happy and may even write now and then, but I don't feel like I have anything to write about anymore with passion.

So, au revoir. For now.

Soon to be a traveller again...

Soon, we will be enjoying our first two weeks of marriage in a villa with our own private pool, near this amazing lagoon in Greece.



I'm not sure if I can actually wait.

Round up, round up!

63 days to go till I have a whole new last name. All of my mind, soul, heart, health, sleep has been focused on 19th July 2008. What will I do when it's the 20th? What will I have to worry about? So seeing as I'm clearly of a one tracked mind at the moment, here are a few random thoughts that come to me as I write.

I am in some serious (but funny) agony at the moment. Conrad has taught me a new kind of sit up that has left me in PAIN. Everytime I laugh or even try and use my stomach muscles in any way, I Hurt. But to be honest it's kind of nice hurt because there are some serious results going on. Who knew that sit ups actually worked?

I guess I'm a hippy. Everyone keeps trying to convince me to have elaborate flower arrangements when all I really want is to walk through a field the morning of my wedding and pick the most beautiful, free flowers that exist. Meadow flowers. Daisies. I may still get my way, but nobody really seems to get it!

Hm. Guess I really don't have much to say. All I have on my mind is losing weight, getting ready for the wedding, and um.. Nope, I say that's it. So I guess now you can see why I haven't been writing much on here!

One of those posts

So I have a couple of things on my mind today...

Networking or sucking up?

I attended a work related event the other day where the schedule actually had a time slot that said 'coffee and networking'. So basically the schedule telling you that this is the time to go talk to loads of people you have nothing in common with and see what they can do for you. Pretend your interested in their line of work in the desperate hope that they can further your own career. YUCK. It makes me feel sick just thinking about it. I obviously do not belong in this world - I'm good at doing this, but it makes me feel like there's something seriously wrong with modern day life. What's wrong with working hard to get somewhere, why can't you just be good at your job and that's that? Apparently you have to be visible. Seriously. I don't know why this makes me so mad - just the fakeness of the workings of life makes me feel a little bit nauseous.

The downside of losing weight

I've been going to the gym and swimming 3-4 times a week in preparation for the wedding in July. I've lost quite a bit of weight and I actually feel good about the way I look right now. The downside? I know that some day (probably after the wedding) I will stop doing hardcore training and all the weight will pile back on, probably in double-time. It's depressing! And it feels so great to fit into my clothes properly and to feel good in my own skin. How do you keep motivation for exercising the rest of your life? Seriously? Does anybody know?

For future reference, it's not okay to ask me if I'm tired

I personally think it's incredibly rude to say that somebody looks tired. I am never tired, I just have darker shadows under my eyes then normal people. I try my hardest to buy industrial strength concealer but sometimes it just doesn't work. When people tell me I look tired, it's basically just telling me that I look like crap. And nobody likes to walk around thinking they look like crap.


Just felt like getting those off my chest.

How to be cool in London

• You will either be training to run the London Marathon next month, or you have already ran the marathon a couple of times and are giving yourself the year off. One year, you travelled to New York just to add the New York Marathon to your list.
  
  
• You wear brightly coloured opaque tights - yellow, blue, pink - underneath beige grandma-heels. To add to the look, sometimes you have a matching headscarf - You know, like the one your grandma used to wear when she made her weekly trip to the Laundromat.
  
  
• As soon as the calendar hits April, you have booked yourself into at least TWO of England's renowned music festivals. Which festival you go to defines what kind of person you are, and people will judge you purely on your festival-going choices.
  
  
• When asked what you're doing for the weekend, you have plans for Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday day and Sunday night. None of these times will be spent with the same person - You are a social butterfly and nobody can hold your interest long enough for you to hang around.
  
  
• Your parents are so rich that they buy you a house overlooking the Thames. You whinge about not having any money and the fact that it's so hard to find a job in The Arts.
  
• 
  You are always busy. You never watch TV - in fact, I think you're too cool for TV, unless there's something very cult and different that nobody else in the world knows. And as soon as they start watching it, you start hating it.

I am none of those.