The job situation

I got an interview for that job I wanted. I didn't get it. Which is gutting, and demoralising, and all things that make you feel like crawling up in your flannel sheets and feather duvet and saying 'no' to life for a little while.

I had a week to prep, and prep I did. I gave a 10 minute presentation which I KNOW was amazing. The interview went so well. In my prep work, I covered all grounds for potential questions and what the best thing to say would be. I rounded the troops - gathered information from people who knew more than me. I had an army of 'you can do it's!' behind me.

I'm gutted because it was perfect. Well, at least right now I feel like it was. It was a huge step up for me, but one that I realise now I am MORE than ready to take. I want it. I want to work hard, to make a difference, I really really thought I had it in the bag.

A couple of things - I know that I gave them a lot to think about during the interview. I'm good at reading people, and they liked me. There was a vibe in the room. We were on the same page. We were throwing ideas back at each other, there was a buzz.

At the end of the interview, asking a few questions about the organisation and asking the trustee the reasons behind her working for the charity, I mentioned flexible working and family friendly policies. Their faces dropped. I know that legally they are not allowed to take motherhood into consideration while hiring someone, but I'm pretty sure the rejection of me had something to do with that. I do understand that whoever succeeded in getting the role will have had more experience, perhaps gave a better interview ---- but I just had the feeling the whole way through that it was going well. You know, when you know? I don't meant to be cocky. But then I came out with the mother thing and I could see it wasn't going to happen.

So I came home and held my son, cuddled him close and wondered if I shouldn't have mentioned anything. By law, if you are hired by someone and you apply for flexible working, they have to give it to you unless there is some reason they can't. And it has to be a pretty valid reason. I thought to myself 'should I have kept it on the down-low till they offered me the job?'..

I looked at Milo and guilt clenched my insides. How could I neglect to mention him? How could I pretend he didn't exist? I need a job where I'm not only allowed to talk about him, but they are more than willing to let my motherhood be a part of who I am and the job that I do. There's no way I'm keeping silent about my boy like there is something to be ashamed of. You know what? I'm a mom, and I can do this job, and I'm allowed to work different hours because I will rock at it, because I am the best candidate, and YOU KNOW WHAT? Milo makes me the better candidate and a better person.

So, yes the job was perfect. Everything about it seemed so right for me, and I wanted it so very badly. But this is life, and I move on and I get over it and I look at my family and my home and I breathe deeply and stop. Life is all of this that I have. Be alive and live in that.

The thing about motherhood is...

What I wasn’t expecting was to fall absolutely head over heels, infatuation-type love with my baby. I was full of excited adrenaline. I couldn’t sleep for 2 days, even though I’d been through labour and really quite frankly needed to. I wanted to watch him sleep. I wanted to hold him really close to me. I wanted to cuddle and snuggle and be with him every second of the day and night.

I suppose it is the hormones, but really – it feels amazing. That’s one thing people don’t tell you about becoming a mother. You hear of sacrifice, of diapers, of no sleep, of the trials and tribulations. But you know what’s crazy? And please believe me when I say this because I’ve never meant anything more in my entire life:

You are so in love with this bundle that you would do ANYTHING for them and it is not difficult. Poop, sick, no sleep… I did not for the life of me care one bit. This little guy was my new everything.

There are a couple weird things that have to factor in to this. For one, your new relationship with your partner. This was a humdinger. They tell you your relationship changes - but it’s really quite difficult to explain, and it truly is not a negative change. But, there is another little being in your relationship. Another person that both of you love with all of your hearts/souls/minds. This is strange; particularly if you’ve been in a relationship for a long time (I had been with my hubby for 11 years). We were used to being each other’s ONE. We were in it together; we loved each other as no other. But then this little guy came along and I was instantly IN LOVE. There were now two, and for the first few months of a tiny baby’s life, it’s difficult to figure out how to ‘split’ your love in two.

Another weird thing I’ve been thinking is that when we have another baby – how will I love it as much as Milo? I don’t think there is physically enough love in the world for me to love more. How is it going to be possible? I’ve been told that it just happens, but in a weird, worried way, I think I can’t possibly love another human being the way I love Milo. The love is so instantaneous, so overwhelming that it is just a part of me. I can never complain, I can never get annoyed, I can never not want to be with him. He is the best thing ever. Period.

So for those who want to know what it’s like to have a baby: It’s like falling in love. It’s pure, it’s beautiful, it’s heart-wrenching, it’s all-consuming. You can’t eat, you’re full of excitement and wonder, you cry easily and often. Your heart opens and grows and explodes with the love that now comes easily to you. And you suddenly realise you have to be the best you FOR THEM. And you are more than willing to do it for the rest of your life.

Yeah, that didn't work.

So much for blogging once a day....

Today I am

• Organizing a baby shower for my sis-in-law for Saturday (nothing like procrastinating on important family stuff).
  
  
• Looking after my sick and teething (molars) son.
  
  
• Working from home (copy-writing, editing).
  
  
• Craving an eggnog latte. Can't be bothered leaving the house.
  
  
• Trying to not think about unpayable bills.
  
  
• Neglecting my poor dog (who hasn't been out on a walk for.... I don't know how long)
  
  
• Designing a Christmas card for the charity I volunteer for.
  
  
• Searching high and low for the snot-sucker I lost last night to suck bucket-loads of snot from my son's nose.
  
  
• Anxiously wondering how long after the closing date of the job I applied for (today) I may or may not hear from them about an interview.
  
  
• Feeling guilty that my child hasn't been to the park or anything play-orientated since he's been sick and since I've used him being sick as an excuse to stay inside.
  
  
• Checking Facebook way too much.
  
  
• Mainly eating toast because there's literally nothing else for me to eat (don't worry, my child is eating well).
  
  
• Yet again putting off listening to CD selection a dear friend gave me for my listening pleasure (only 3 months ago).
  
  
• Leaving no time for my brain or emotions or anything like that. (What am I, superwoman?)

SAHM Wednesday

Today was my mommy day. How did I celebrate this? Well, mainly by keeping my PJs on (ALL DAY.. check me out!), making Milo laugh by chasing him around the house, de-fleaing my dog (this was definitely my highlight) and generally bumming around and drinking far, far too much coffee. We did not leave the house, and I am not sorry.

I am sat here, smelling the garlicy, parsley-y chicken Conrad is cooking and getting ready for some couch potato action. Right now Spotify is playing Lana Del Ray, next up is Florence & The Machine. I love my peaceful kitchen. When I'm sat here at the wooden table and old-fashioned church chairs, I feel all is mostly well in the world. It's cozy, it's homey, it smells good and it's already full of memories of too-long dinners and breaking of dawn breakfasts with Milo. A family lives here, and I love each and every one of them.

I leave you with Cheeky McCheekerston:

Job me up, baby.

So I’m gonna do this thing where I try and write everyday for the month of November. I miss writing, and maybe doing this will help my brain get out of the mode of survival.

Onwards and upwards!

On my mind today are lots of applications I am writing. I’m aiming high, but am nervous about the whole, “you’ll let me work 4 days a week though – right?” thing. My plan is to ace the interview and when they decide they love me and can’t have anyone else, I drop the bomb. The way I see it, it’s the charity world and they would be getting a quality candidate for less money, so they win – right? POSITIVITY PEOPLE!

It’s getting darker and darker outside. I have to use the lights on my bike, and driving through Banker a-hole I-own-this-town London is never pretty. But at least I’m working off the kilos of chocolate I have become used to devouring on a daily basis.

Oh – that’s another thing. Milo has stopped breastfeeding (for the most part) and the calories that used to go straight to his little chubby cheeks are now going straight to my less than adorable chubby cheeks (down there). I was so proud of my weight loss post-baby that I didn’t think about the chocolate addiction I was feeding, and the massive crash of self esteem that was inevitable.

More on that another day.

So, yes – I am applying for jobs. I’m aiming high. Every job application has to be different though, if you want to make your mark. There is one particular one I am DYING TO GET. I should not get my hopes up. The way you get jobs is to apply for everything willy-nilly and one will eventually reply. I am in love with this job. This is not the way it was meant to go down. I almost don’t want to send the application in so I don’t have my hopes quashed. But my present job has become – shall we say – less than desirable. The negativity and silence that is my workplace at the moment does nothing for my bluesy November-feeling.

So here’s to nothing, folks. Here’s to being the best girl there is for the job.

Monday morning

I’m feeling slightly thwarted at the moment. I’m trying desperately to put into practice ‘mind over matter’. If I think things are a certain way, then they are that way. Am I being vague? Yes, that is deliberate.

I have become easily intimidated. By people who have the appearance of having it together, of being able to put across an intelligent point. My brain is mush, I’m tired, my mind is somewhere else… I feel like I want to do everything I need to do well, but I’m just not quite doing anything at all. I want to be a loving, intelligent, thoughtful, hard-working person. I feel there are too many things to do, too many things to think about, too many problems to solve. My head is near explosion. So I am intimidated by those who have the time to think, have the time to sit and make lists about what needs to be done. I don’t even have the headspace for that. I feel like I am unable to be the person I want to be. A good mother, a loving and kind wife, a hard-worker, a clean, positive, well-thought out person, a thoughtful friend, a happy and earnest volunteer, a Godly, giving woman who knows what she believes and what she is doing. Someone who can take a joke and can see things light-heartedly, brings joy to a room.

Instead, I feel lazy and tired and thoughtless and powerless and stretched. I feel haggard and ugly and unable to do any of the things I need to and want to do. I feel inarticulate, unproductive and silly.

So there it is. Let this be the start of mind over matter: I am a good person and I will do my best today to be what I want and who I should be.