26

A year ago this week I was writing a blog post about my unhappiness, my despair at turning 25 and really having nothing to show for it. I was in a crisis and I couldn't see a way out.

Tomorrow, I turn 26. I am not panicking, I am feeling quite mature. This past year has been so amazingly good for me. It has rejuvinated my sense of hope, my sense of ability to change my own circumstances. I had given up on hoping and looking to the future. Just when I was giving up, my own depression gave me a lift and Oh My Word I cannot believe how much better I am today.

My boyfriend of years and years whisked me away to Paris to propose. Last year I was scared to even bring up the topic of marriage because we'd get in an argument and then we'd both end up just feeling hopeless.

I started a job in a charity, doing something I care about. Last year, I was working in an environment and with people that were sucking away my sense of being. I honestly felt like if I stayed any longer, my sense of self, my ownership of my life, feelings, thoughts were going to be extinguished. Not only was I working in a job that I didn't feel any future in, in a bland, grey existence - but I felt my self was disappearing. It has honestly taken from May when I started my new job, to now to get myself back to normal. I have started breathing easy again, started to be myself. I don't have to second guess what I'm about to say, I can feel and think and react honestly and my environment encourages me. I have amazing opportunities with this job that I didn't think would come as easily as they have. I basically have an open ticket to any department: campaigns, policy, research, working with children, etc. etc. etc. And I just have to pick. Now picking.. that's the tough part. But I have a choice!

Last year I felt stuck in England. I had no idea that in the short few months I would be able to travel to Paris, Japan and the States. I now understand that I can NOT become trapped if I actively pursue what I want, and what my wandering feet need. The coming year has so many possibilities that I can rest easy sitting here in England. I am not trapped. It was just my mind that made me that way.

I suppose I realise that hope is never lost. I should never lose sight of what I am aiming for, what I have always wanted. And what I always want is a sense of freedom, a sense that there is hope for new discoveries, new adventures, new excitement. What my problem was last year was that I had given up on hope. Hope in itself is exciting. If I dare to keep on imagining and KNOWING that the future is out there I just have to wait for it... I get excited just thinking about it.

Thank God for Hope.