It would appear that as new tradition has been born: Two days after my birthday I come down with something disgusting and near deathly. This year did not disappoint! I don't so much mind being sick really. I quite like the excuse to sit and watch TV for 20 hours and doze in and out, drifting in a world of semi-reality. My Illnesses somehow manages to make me feel like I'm in a dimension of floatiness which I grow fond of and actually miss right now.
Until.
Until I start getting a niggling feeling that something is wrong. Until I start believing that there are people downstairs, outside my window in the night - waiting for the first chance of sighting me to pounce and attack me. I develop an incomparable paranoia on my 3rd day of illness. The day that I am not really deathly sick anymore, just too sick to actually do anything worthwhile with myself, the time of sickness that I drag myself out of bed wearing something black I had to pull out of the dirty laundry, covered in cat hairs (um.. I don't own a cat. How did they get there?) I come into work and they tell me to JUST GO HOME because I look like I might actually pass out in front of my computer screen.
The Paranoia makes me believe things that can't possibly be true. Like my fiance has fallen out of love with me because I made that comment about his socks earlier in the day. That my fiance has been attacked on his way out to the shops and is surely dead, and I'm sat on the couch knowing that my demand for chicken soup has been the death of him. My mind goes into minute detail of the call I'm going to get from the police and my guilt for years to come knowing that if I hadn't been sick, my fiance wouldn't have died. Knowing that I, myself, would die alone and heartbroken after years of pining for my One True Love.
My paranoia is fuelled mightily by my over-active imagination. People at work are plotting my termination because they can't believe that I could dare to call in sick, and they actually realise that 'what does Rachel do around here anyway? Let's get rid of her!' That I will walk into the office with people hissing and spitting at me, someone crawling from the corner hissing 'Boo!! Boo!!' (Anyone watch Princess Bride lately?)
It's always a mild surprise when I step out of the house feeling vaguely human, get the bus, walk to work, sit down, turn on the computer and carry on with normal life. Nothing has changed, I was just sick.
It's not the end of the world.
10 comments:
hee hee...we are so alike. And yes, I did watch the Princess Bride lately! Actually my bf made me and it was my first time ever! Speaking of Loved Ones, GAWD I am the most paranoid person ever. I'm thousands of miles away from him right now and though I trust him with every fiber of my being, I just don't trust - my mind. It likes to imagine scenarios, such as him realizing he didnt really notice the 10 days apart we will go to and he prefers to be single.
GAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
(also I worry about him getting in car accident and other paranoid stuff)
That is so funny...though I can relate. Love the new blog "heading"...I know that's not the right word, that is such a cool picture.
You are such an amazing writer, Rachel. I am so behind, and am glad I came over today to find 3 posts! You have indeed had quite a year, with another great one ahead!
Love your Save the Date card - I never heard of that before, but it is a brilliant idea. Wish we could come!
Just stopping by to say Merry Christmas!
I found this poem on a blog friend's site - she's a missionary, and her kids really like this poem.
I am
a confusion of cultures.
Uniquely me.
I think this is good
because I can
understand
the traveler, sojourner, foreigner,
the homesickness
that comes.
I think this is also bad
because I can not
be understood
by the person who has sown and grown in one place.
They know not
the real meaning of homesickness
that hits me
now and then.
Sometimes I despair of
understanding them.
I am an island
and
a United Nations.
Who can recognize either in me
but God?
Ithought of you and your siblings immediately. I would have sent it to your sister, but she's taken her site down. Sad, because she is such a great writer, too.
I know I can't relate to what you guys feel, but I can tell you that when I was a young person, moving quite often (and I enjoyed moving and getting to know new people and places),I would often get this weird feeling in my body that I called "homesickness" for lack of a better word. I didn't know what I was homesick for, but I would get it every once in awhile. Now having lived in this house for so many years, longer than I wandered around, I don't have a desire to change locations. Not unless the house was fully paid for, the yard fully grown and lovely as ours. Dwight often talks of moving somewhere far away, but I can't imagine starting over at this age with a new town and a new church. I've turned into quite a homebody.
I hope you had a wonderful Christmas. I probably should have e-mailed you, but oh, well. Say hi to C (I don't remember if you say his name in your blog).
Interesting - I got up this morning and had two messages from England, during our night.
I found you through Dawn and find your writing refreshing. You are one talented young lady.
You are about my daughters age and we just finished her wedding process this past summer. WOW, it was so much fun. I have lots of tricks up my sleeve if you need any advice.
Hope you are feeling better and that you have the best New Year ever!
Rach, I just read this today - (Jan 2) I guess I need a signal of some sort that says you've written something! I can be a bit paranoid sometimes, too. I wonder if that's where you got it....? Love, Mom
Paranoid... Or pregnant? (: Just kidding.
This is how I act from the 4th month of pregnancy on, however.
Hey, Rach, come over and see you new great nieces!
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