Milo is sick.
I am still sick.
Conrad is away working.
My anxiety levels are high, I'm unsure how to deal with this type of thing. What is okay for a 3 month old baby? It doesn't help that it's happened on a weekend, where I can't make a doctor's appointment and the only option would be go go to the emergency room. Extreme? I don't even know. So far I've avoided acting the paranoid parent and haven't gone.
But I'm close to the edge.
Sunday, December 12
Saturday, December 4
To Milo Phoenix Sharp: 3 months old.
I'm sitting here on the couch with you on my lap. You fell asleep while nursing, as content as can possibly be. Today marks your three month birthday, little man. Life without you would be intolerable.
What have you been up to recently? Well, you love to talk. When I speak to you, you like to respond, and usually with endless amounts of glee. You respond with an "ah-goo!!!" or some such other beautiful variation of your thoughts. You can hold a rattle, but you don't actually know that you're holding it yet. In fact, you accidentally jabbed your eye with said rattle because you went to put your hand to your face. You looked so shocked! You couldn't figure out what on earth had happened.
Yesterday, you were able to roll onto your side, TWICE! I don't think you meant to do it, and I haven't seen you do it since - but I was so proud. You just kind of hoiked yourself over and back onto your back. This means that you have taken your first step towards movement, my love. This means I have to keep an eagle eye on you at all times! Who knows what you'll be up to next?
Last night in your sleep, you scratched your face. I don't think it bothers you, but every time I look at it, it reminds me that I need to cut your nails more. It's just so nerve wracking cutting those delicate little things, but here is a little reminder that it doesn't matter whether i WANT to or not, your nails need cutting and I need to get over myself. p.s. I love you.
So, it is December, and this year will be your first Christmas. I know you won't remember it, but every song I hear and every tradition I think of, I know it will be so much more precious and special because you are there too. Everything is more special and unique and exciting and emotive because you are here.
Today I danced with you to Sufjan Steven's Christmas album. Well, I danced - you stared at every single item in the room. Oh, this is another thing. You love to look at things. Recently you have decided you do not like to be bored! If you are sick of the scenery, you will let me know. You've memorised every book on the bookshelf? You want to look in the mirror this time! Your curiosity and openness with how you see things is beautiful. I hope this lasts your whole life: because, LIFE! There is so much to see! So much to love!
My baby Milo, this month we found out that you are quite a big one. You're going to be tall, I think. Both sides of your family has 6'5 family members, so maybe you'll reach those heights? Who knows - I'm just happy that you're healthy, happy that you're eating enough, happy that you're contented here in this life we have made you.
Thank you for being so perfect, Milo. Thank you for bringing so much unexpected intense love and beauty into our lives.
Love,
Your mother.
What have you been up to recently? Well, you love to talk. When I speak to you, you like to respond, and usually with endless amounts of glee. You respond with an "ah-goo!!!" or some such other beautiful variation of your thoughts. You can hold a rattle, but you don't actually know that you're holding it yet. In fact, you accidentally jabbed your eye with said rattle because you went to put your hand to your face. You looked so shocked! You couldn't figure out what on earth had happened.
Yesterday, you were able to roll onto your side, TWICE! I don't think you meant to do it, and I haven't seen you do it since - but I was so proud. You just kind of hoiked yourself over and back onto your back. This means that you have taken your first step towards movement, my love. This means I have to keep an eagle eye on you at all times! Who knows what you'll be up to next?
Last night in your sleep, you scratched your face. I don't think it bothers you, but every time I look at it, it reminds me that I need to cut your nails more. It's just so nerve wracking cutting those delicate little things, but here is a little reminder that it doesn't matter whether i WANT to or not, your nails need cutting and I need to get over myself. p.s. I love you.
So, it is December, and this year will be your first Christmas. I know you won't remember it, but every song I hear and every tradition I think of, I know it will be so much more precious and special because you are there too. Everything is more special and unique and exciting and emotive because you are here.
Today I danced with you to Sufjan Steven's Christmas album. Well, I danced - you stared at every single item in the room. Oh, this is another thing. You love to look at things. Recently you have decided you do not like to be bored! If you are sick of the scenery, you will let me know. You've memorised every book on the bookshelf? You want to look in the mirror this time! Your curiosity and openness with how you see things is beautiful. I hope this lasts your whole life: because, LIFE! There is so much to see! So much to love!
My baby Milo, this month we found out that you are quite a big one. You're going to be tall, I think. Both sides of your family has 6'5 family members, so maybe you'll reach those heights? Who knows - I'm just happy that you're healthy, happy that you're eating enough, happy that you're contented here in this life we have made you.
Thank you for being so perfect, Milo. Thank you for bringing so much unexpected intense love and beauty into our lives.
Love,
Your mother.
Friday, December 3
I have a million things to say but don't know how to say them. I have 3 half-written posts in my draft box. I'm too tired to write them right now. My body and brain is tired and I can't remember the last time they weren't. Chocolate helps, coffee helps, food helps. I'm tired. All my thoughts are on one thing at the moment and I wonder when that's going to change. I cook and boil the water while running to the shower, I run out of the room while he's watching the dog to hang the clothes up. The glamour, the intrigue... I'm tired. My thoughts are tired. I wonder if I'll be able to talk about anything other than how much I love my son again. My brain is tired. I'm unsure whether I've been 100% since he was born and I'm worried a lot of these months will be a blur.
I try never to say this, because I love him so much. Admitting exhaustion feels to me like betrayal. I love doing it all, I love him, I don't want to complain. I'm just drained.
I try never to say this, because I love him so much. Admitting exhaustion feels to me like betrayal. I love doing it all, I love him, I don't want to complain. I'm just drained.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)