I’m coming clean as an irresponsible, sieve-like money leech.
Both Conrad and I have taken stock of our irresponsibility and this year are making a serious effort to be good, to be responsible, to pay back debt, to pay for what we’re meant to be paying for.
So far, it’s not easy. My method until recently has been to ignore and put my head in the sand, pay off what I can when I can and just try and be okay with all the rest. That is so not the best way to go. When you do that, I have learned, everything comes crashing down at once.
I feel like I’ve come out. I know that I’m irresponsible, I know that I’ve been stupid, but now I want it to stop, and boy oh boy this whole thing isn’t easy. I spend a lot of time dwelling; I spend a lot of time feeling totally worthless. How can I be 27 years old and not be financially okay? How can I be a 27 year old married woman who still has to call her parents to bail her out?
The guilt. The understanding that it’s my fault, that I’ve put myself in this position. The worst part is that people don’t understand that you can have a good job but not have any money. People at work are constantly wanting to go out, constantly wanting to go for lunch, constantly buying things for ‘the team’ in the understanding that next time it’s your turn. How can you tell them, yes I get paid the same as you, but I have not a single cent to spend today. I brought my own lunch and you know what? I can’t afford to pay for that 1 pound packet of biscuits. I don't just ride my bike 12 miles everyday to get fit or because I like riding in London traffic - I do it because it saves £100 pounds a month and it's either I ride my bike, or myself and my husband don't eat for a couple of weeks.
The thing I hate the most is that we’ve been married for 7 months now and Conrad still hasn’t gotten his proper wedding ring, because we just can’t afford it. He’s wearing a make-shift one that really really isn’t very wedding-ring like. I’m sure that some part of him doesn’t actually feel like he’s married, because the main symbol just isn’t there.
I’m sure I’ll feel better tomorrow, I’m sure that as soon as I get a hug from my husband I’ll be just fine. But, seriously, why does money matter so much? Why does it affect us all? Why is money so connected to emotions and feeling included and being part of society?
Disclaimer: I in no way think I have it that bad, I understand there are children in the world who can’t even eat and people in the world who can’t work and literally have nothing. I’m just having a bad day of it today.
4 comments:
seriously. i hate money problems. hate them. it's not they aren't fixable, because they are, but must they really take THAT long to fix?
i have so much i could do with the lottery...
Ah Rach. Don't feel bad about feeling bad. We all the right to get down, especially about money and especially when others are worse off than we are because let's face it, there is ALWAYS someone else worse of but that DOES NOT make your problems or feelings trivial!
Money has caused me so much stres and anxiety and it still does.
I paid off most of my credits cards and went from 16K in debt to 3K in debt thanks to my second mortgage/. But old habits die hard and I am still spending more than I earn. But I am trying to curb things in and finding out what I can cut out to make myself more secure. So even though I have a huge weight off my shoulders...I still am stressed. Money is money.
You're taking teh right step by fixing things. It'll take time but don't feel too guilty. You have no idea what other financial burdens people are under...in fact the people who go and buy lunch everyday, well you don't know that they are using their visa card and that one it will bite them later!
Take care - lets email, k?
IF ONLY you were the only one of your generation in our family with this problem!! If ONLY!!
One step at a time. You are on the right track. Keep it up. One day at a time. Budget Budget Budget. I know it's a nasty B word, but it's the only way. The only way. Especially in this world's economy as it is today, and as it will continue to be with the way things are being "fixed", at least here in the good old USA. It's scary even for those of us who have been so ridiculously responsible!
Hey SIL,
You two have absolutely nothing to worry about! I only wish we were as 'irresponsible' as you guys when we started out. You both have college degrees and are chasing your dreams while building a career, and have a bright future ahead. Just hang in there and everything will be fine. Most all young couples have it hard at first unless their mom and dad are rich or go into debt paying for their kids. At least we don't have that problem! (but a little help has been nice) You will be stronger working through the rough times together, and will emerge closer, wiser, and more responsible. Plus, you have plenty of time to pay off any debt you have and to build. Don't fret! Just love each other and work together. We're pulling for ya!
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