I’m coming clean as an irresponsible, sieve-like money leech.
Both Conrad and I have taken stock of our irresponsibility and this year are making a serious effort to be good, to be responsible, to pay back debt, to pay for what we’re meant to be paying for.
So far, it’s not easy. My method until recently has been to ignore and put my head in the sand, pay off what I can when I can and just try and be okay with all the rest. That is so not the best way to go. When you do that, I have learned, everything comes crashing down at once.
I feel like I’ve come out. I know that I’m irresponsible, I know that I’ve been stupid, but now I want it to stop, and boy oh boy this whole thing isn’t easy. I spend a lot of time dwelling; I spend a lot of time feeling totally worthless. How can I be 27 years old and not be financially okay? How can I be a 27 year old married woman who still has to call her parents to bail her out?
The guilt. The understanding that it’s my fault, that I’ve put myself in this position. The worst part is that people don’t understand that you can have a good job but not have any money. People at work are constantly wanting to go out, constantly wanting to go for lunch, constantly buying things for ‘the team’ in the understanding that next time it’s your turn. How can you tell them, yes I get paid the same as you, but I have not a single cent to spend today. I brought my own lunch and you know what? I can’t afford to pay for that 1 pound packet of biscuits. I don't just ride my bike 12 miles everyday to get fit or because I like riding in London traffic - I do it because it saves £100 pounds a month and it's either I ride my bike, or myself and my husband don't eat for a couple of weeks.
The thing I hate the most is that we’ve been married for 7 months now and Conrad still hasn’t gotten his proper wedding ring, because we just can’t afford it. He’s wearing a make-shift one that really really isn’t very wedding-ring like. I’m sure that some part of him doesn’t actually feel like he’s married, because the main symbol just isn’t there.
I’m sure I’ll feel better tomorrow, I’m sure that as soon as I get a hug from my husband I’ll be just fine. But, seriously, why does money matter so much? Why does it affect us all? Why is money so connected to emotions and feeling included and being part of society?
Disclaimer: I in no way think I have it that bad, I understand there are children in the world who can’t even eat and people in the world who can’t work and literally have nothing. I’m just having a bad day of it today.
