I’ve been having a really strange month at work. Work is fine, I still love it – it’s just, well – the atmosphere has all turned a little pre-teen.
It all started one evening when I was leaving work at 5:30pm on the dot, and overheard someone say “so where should we go for a drink beforehand?”. I turned back around and said “oh, are you guys going out?” They were – and they had neglected to mention anything before hand. Now, it’s not just me – there are two other colleagues who aren’t included in this evening out. The thing is, it’s not just happened once. They always have an excuse (“oh, we all got invited and didn’t realise all of us were going…blablabla”) But it’s happened again… and again.
All just happening to go out for lunch at the exact same time, all mentioning something that happened the night before.
It’s not the actual being left out that kills me (well, it is that, too) but the fact that it’s so sudden. For the past year, my team have been getting along like a house on fire, going out together, going for lunch together, generally the key word is together. All of a sudden, it’s pretty commonplace that they go off on their own without even mentioning it and have secret little email conversations.
So here’s me, almost 28 years old, feeling like I’m back to 12 years old. The problem is, I shouldn’t care. I don’t want to care. I’m a married woman of 27 years! These things are in the past, surely? It has just reverted my whole feeling back to being the odd-one out as a child, and it’s totally knocked my confidence.
Thing is, they’re just work friends. But for this past year, they haven’t been just work friends – they’ve been more. We’ve been to weddings together, they’ve been round to my house for a barbeque – you know? Regular friends stuff. I even went to India and spent 24 hours a day with one of them.
I just feel kind of betrayed. And it totally knocked my confidence. It’s made me question if it’s because of something I did? Am I no fun? do they not like me anymore? What are they saying about me? The list goes on. Truthfully they probably dno’t even see it like this – but I just know that one of them does. One of them thrives on being included when others aren’t, thrives on gossip, being exclusive, being the one who has the inside track.
Ugh, see how this makes me talk? It’s all just so pre-adolescent. I wasn’t even like this as an adolescent, and now I’m being made to feel like this now. Made to feel like going to the bathroom and having a bit of a cry, of standing up and saying ‘guys, I can see you’re emailing each other! What are you saying?? Why aren’t I included anymore???” And most importantly, WHY DO I CARE?
Thanks internet, I just needed to vent.
