Thoughts as they come into my head

It has been over a week since I last posted.

I have either been too tired, emotionally drained, annoyed, cranky, gripy, moany, sleepy, generally not-nice-to-talk-to-let-alone-read-about-my-bad-mood to write. My stomach has been having issues this week and I'm not entirely sure if it's to do with being stressed at work, or what. But it ain't been pleasant, that's for sure!

This past Saturday Conrad and I went to go and get my engagement ring re-sized. When I passed over my ring my entire spirit just went completely down. Symbolism is such a powerful thing. As soon as we left the store I felt kind of empty. I stare at this thing so much and it's such a constant presence on my finger, that when it was gone, I felt something quite important was missing. I wanted people to know that I was engaged! I wanted to play with it when I was on the bus! I wanted to gaze at it for hours on end when I was supposed to be doing work! Last night I got it back again and I felt immense relief when it slipped back on my finger. Not only does it fit perfectly, but I have a new-found respect for how much the ring symbolises. This ring will be on my finger until I die, and shows everybody that I am in love and am completely taken. I just didn't realise how attached I would become to it in only 2 weeks.

*

It's my Brother's Birthday today. Please go look at his art and appreciate the Greatness Of Nick. He will always be 18 (the age when he moved away to America) in my mind. Or the brother who swung me round and round in the garage and accidentally pulled my arm out of the socket. The brother who wanted to pull out my loose tooth by attaching a piece of string to the doorknob and slamming it. The brother who triple dared Allie and I to jump off of Diesselhof Bridge (which I didn't!) with him over the Rhine. The brother that plays super-loud Pet Shop Boys or thrash metal at 8 o'clock on a Saturday morning. Happy Birthday Nick!!!!

*

Ben (a.k.a. My Bridesman - is there a correct term for that?) is coming to visit tonight for the weekend. Granted, whatever we do, we'll have fun. I'll try and take as many stupid and ridiculous pictures as humanly possible and subject them to you next week.

*

I have been browsing magazines for wedding dresses the past couple of weeks. Apparently, strapless dresses are in. And it's impossible to find anything else. I don't heart strapless. As of yet, I haven't found anything that makes me want to pass out with glee. I have realised that I do heart trains:

We haven't been able to set a date yet, because we're having Church issues. This is the Church that I really really really really really really really really want to have it in:

It's intimate and picturesque. I can seriously see myself standing right there, getting ready to walk in and get married.

But apparently if you book a wedding in this chapel, you book everything: flowers, minister, hymns (organ player and all!!), photographer.. What is the point in that? We are the kind of people that want a very personalised service. I know exactly what kind of flowers I want, what kind of music I want, and the most important thing is that I want my dad to perform the ceremony.

When we went to go visit the Vicar, he was kind of stumped. He had obviously never had any kind of request such as this before. All we wanted to do was rent the chapel (not him!) and he wasn't sure how to take it. We are still in 'negotiations' at the moment, meaning that I have emailed him and he hasn't gotten back to me. This has kind of stopped my planning in it's tracks, because I have absolutely no idea what we'll do if we can't get this chapel! Boo!

*

That's all I can think of right now - Must go back to work in the drone colony.

Something That Irks Me

Wherever I am in the world, people make negative comments about people in other countries. Not necessarily racist comments, but little sentences that make me cringe.

Regardless of what country I am in, what culture I am defending, there is always some kind of negative comment and assumptions and wildly inappropriate generalisations. (fyi, they're hardly ever aimed at me - they are totally innocent. But it just irks me nonetheless.)

'Only in America would a woman sell her baby to buy a car'... Excuse me? How do you know? Have you ever lived there? Do you know how large a country it is? How many people live there? That saying 'America' is like generalising the entire population of Europe?

Oh wait.. I've heard that too. Whilst in America I was asked if 'they' had TVs in Europe. And if my house in Manchester, England was anywhere near the Eiffel Tower.

Oh and whilst living in England I was asked if everyone lived in grass huts in the Philippines. And if we had librarys there. Upon telling someone I lived in the Philippines she said;

'Oh yeah, that Jewish country'.

'Sorry?'

'The one that's in the Bible'.

'I don't follow..'

'The Philippines.. It's that Jewish place in the Bible.'

It was upon further confused contemplation that I realised she was talking about the book of Philippians in the Bible. Reading the word in print, it it doesn't seem so hard to confuse them - But, really?

I wish I had these all written down, because these are the only ones I can remember. I have been asked some weird stuff.

Just last night over dinner, the ladies at the next table were exclaiming how 'the Australians.. they're all sloppy. They just do things that way'. I think generalisations are just so weird. Terms like 'They always..' 'The Germans do this..' Etc. It kind of makes me feel a bit sick.

I just want people to realise that everywhere is the same. Everyone is the same. We are all one people. Nobody is better then anyone else, regardless of what kind of house they live in, whether they talk loud on the phone, if they have to walk a while to get water out of a well, if they only have one car rather then 3 - if their family doesn't own a TV .. Where we live is purely a matter of where to point at on a map. Our world's colourful cultural patterns are so beautiful. I just want everyone to understand them so they can appreciate the design to it's fullest.

Cloudy Brain Sydrome

I'm finding it difficult to get this week started. I pressed snooze on the old alarm clock about 5 times today - leaving myself 8 minutes to get up, get ready and leave the house. My body does not want this day to go ahead.

Just in case you're checking in to see how The Reunion went, it didn't go. It turns out he had to go somewhere on the Saturday so we couldn't meet up. Obviously I was secretly relieved about this, but at the same time kind of disappointed. I had spent so much energy mentally preparing for it - all gone to waste. At least now I know I can accept visits from random people in my past. It would have been nice to mix a bit of old with the new.

♥

If you don't know me and my sister in real life, please go read this post she has written. Sometimes I wish I could just plug into her and then she could write out my thoughts. Because she does it so well. It scares me that we feel and think the same way even though we haven't lived in the same country since I was 14 years old. 11 years ago.

I'm still applying for jobs. Every day. I'm so sick of it already (mostly sick of hiding it while I'm at work).

This Cloudy Brain Syndrome is not so good when you've got so much to do.

Bits and Bobs

My mind does funny ol' things when it's tired.

Lack of sleep makes me have frantic, constant, staccato thoughts that are just plain random and useless. Last night while I was taking a *relaxing* bath, all I could think about was conversations I'd had in the day, playing them back in my mind like some boring black and white rerun. At one point I think I even said out loud 'What are you doing! Why are you thinking about that?' It was like I was on some kind of brain speed pill. (which I definitely am not) The grasshopper in my brain works triple-time trying to confuse me and everyone around me with maximum effect.

The more tired I am, the more the repressed O.C.D. side of me tries to get out. I get home, and a sock lying by the couch drives me insane. The tiny layer of dust on the TV (developed from only last week when I deliriously dusted it last time I was tired) almost has me in convulsions. I want everything to be perfect! I will not relax until it's all in place! But most of the time I'm just too tired to do anything about it.

The point of me telling you this today is that my post will represent the resident grasshopper in my head - bits of random thoughts as they come to me.

*There is a baby mouse living in my house. And it's not a pet. I'm not actually a person that's afraid of mice, but we need to get rid of it before it starts breeding and we have a mini mouse colony. I also don't think it helps that just recently I have watched the movie 'Mouse Hunt'. I go to bed at night expecting it to be making itself a nice pesto pasta and find it napping on our fluffy white bread loaf. I don't think I need to worry though, because it doesn't seem to like me much. I haven't even seen it - it appears to Conrad at different times during the evening and shies away whenever I come into the room.

*Goji Berries may be the new super food, but they give you zits. Lots of them. It is true that they make you hyper and happy and fill you up all nice and yummily, but I have 3 zits on my face right now - more then I ever had during my whole period of adolescence. It's embarrassing.

*We are heading down to Southampton this weekend to visit Conrad's cousin and his lovely girlfriend (and also his aunt and uncle). I'm pretty excited - it's nice to have 'family' to go visit that are so close!

*Thanks to the brave souls who shared their opinion with me in the last comment section! I was listening to my mp3 player on the way to work and a song I have heard a million times kind of jumped out. I had no idea what it was about, I always sort of listened to the tune. This seems to echo my thoughts on the previous post. So I will leave you with these words; (And then I promise I'll shut up about it!)

Crime For Crime the big day has come and the bell is sounding i run my hands thru my hair one last time outside the prison walls the town is gathering the people are trading crime for crime everyone needs to see the prisoner they need to make it even easier by seeing me as a symbol and not a human being that way they can kill me and say it's not murder it's a metaphor we are killing off our own failure and starting clean i am standing at the gallows everyone turned my way and i hear a voice ask me if i've got any last words to say i am looking out over a field of familiar eyes somewhere in a woman's arms a baby cries i say guilt and innocence are a matter of degree and what is justice to you might not be justice to me i went too far and i'm sorry i guess now i'm going home so let he amongst you cast the first stone nowadays we have all kinds of complicated machines so no one person ever has to have blood on their hands we have complex organizations and if everyone just does their job no one person ever has to understand you might be the wrong color you might just be too poor justice isn't something just anyone can afford you might not pull the trigger you might be out in the car and you might get a lethal injection 'cuz we take metaphors that far the big day has come and the bell is sounding i run my hands thru my hair one last time outside the prison walls the town is gathering the people are trading crime for crime the people are trading crime for crime people are still trading crime for crime (A. DiFranco)