It would appear that as new tradition has been born: Two days after my birthday I come down with something disgusting and near deathly. This year did not disappoint! I don't so much mind being sick really. I quite like the excuse to sit and watch TV for 20 hours and doze in and out, drifting in a world of semi-reality. My Illnesses somehow manages to make me feel like I'm in a dimension of floatiness which I grow fond of and actually miss right now.
Until.
Until I start getting a niggling feeling that something is wrong. Until I start believing that there are people downstairs, outside my window in the night - waiting for the first chance of sighting me to pounce and attack me. I develop an incomparable paranoia on my 3rd day of illness. The day that I am not really deathly sick anymore, just too sick to actually do anything worthwhile with myself, the time of sickness that I drag myself out of bed wearing something black I had to pull out of the dirty laundry, covered in cat hairs (um.. I don't own a cat. How did they get there?) I come into work and they tell me to JUST GO HOME because I look like I might actually pass out in front of my computer screen.
The Paranoia makes me believe things that can't possibly be true. Like my fiance has fallen out of love with me because I made that comment about his socks earlier in the day. That my fiance has been attacked on his way out to the shops and is surely dead, and I'm sat on the couch knowing that my demand for chicken soup has been the death of him. My mind goes into minute detail of the call I'm going to get from the police and my guilt for years to come knowing that if I hadn't been sick, my fiance wouldn't have died. Knowing that I, myself, would die alone and heartbroken after years of pining for my One True Love.
My paranoia is fuelled mightily by my over-active imagination. People at work are plotting my termination because they can't believe that I could dare to call in sick, and they actually realise that 'what does Rachel do around here anyway? Let's get rid of her!' That I will walk into the office with people hissing and spitting at me, someone crawling from the corner hissing 'Boo!! Boo!!' (Anyone watch Princess Bride lately?)
It's always a mild surprise when I step out of the house feeling vaguely human, get the bus, walk to work, sit down, turn on the computer and carry on with normal life. Nothing has changed, I was just sick.
It's not the end of the world.
Wednesday, December 19
Sunday, December 16
Thursday, December 13
26
A year ago this week I was writing a blog post about my unhappiness, my despair at turning 25 and really having nothing to show for it. I was in a crisis and I couldn't see a way out.
Tomorrow, I turn 26. I am not panicking, I am feeling quite mature. This past year has been so amazingly good for me. It has rejuvinated my sense of hope, my sense of ability to change my own circumstances. I had given up on hoping and looking to the future. Just when I was giving up, my own depression gave me a lift and Oh My Word I cannot believe how much better I am today.
My boyfriend of years and years whisked me away to Paris to propose. Last year I was scared to even bring up the topic of marriage because we'd get in an argument and then we'd both end up just feeling hopeless.
I started a job in a charity, doing something I care about. Last year, I was working in an environment and with people that were sucking away my sense of being. I honestly felt like if I stayed any longer, my sense of self, my ownership of my life, feelings, thoughts were going to be extinguished. Not only was I working in a job that I didn't feel any future in, in a bland, grey existence - but I felt my self was disappearing. It has honestly taken from May when I started my new job, to now to get myself back to normal. I have started breathing easy again, started to be myself. I don't have to second guess what I'm about to say, I can feel and think and react honestly and my environment encourages me. I have amazing opportunities with this job that I didn't think would come as easily as they have. I basically have an open ticket to any department: campaigns, policy, research, working with children, etc. etc. etc. And I just have to pick. Now picking.. that's the tough part. But I have a choice!
Last year I felt stuck in England. I had no idea that in the short few months I would be able to travel to Paris, Japan and the States. I now understand that I can NOT become trapped if I actively pursue what I want, and what my wandering feet need. The coming year has so many possibilities that I can rest easy sitting here in England. I am not trapped. It was just my mind that made me that way.
I suppose I realise that hope is never lost. I should never lose sight of what I am aiming for, what I have always wanted. And what I always want is a sense of freedom, a sense that there is hope for new discoveries, new adventures, new excitement. What my problem was last year was that I had given up on hope. Hope in itself is exciting. If I dare to keep on imagining and KNOWING that the future is out there I just have to wait for it... I get excited just thinking about it.
Thank God for Hope.
Friday, November 30
Happiness
In my job, I am becoming increasingly aware of how depressed everyone is. Not every day in the people that I meet, although a good portion of the people I know do have depression. But depression in the people of England as a whole.
I don't want to write down the name of the inquiry I work for here, in case someone up and finds it and leaves me feeling slightly foolish. But it's basically an inquiry into what effects the wellbeing of children and young people in England today, and what steps we can go towards making it better.
Okay, of course this is a mammoth task. But the one thing that strikes me is how Hapinness and Love come up an awful lot. Children need Love. Children need happiness. Well, don't we all? And when we're talking about happiness, we're not talking about a feeling of glee or 'happiness' that you have when you buy something, or when you eat something. Happiness is indeed something that needs to be looked at on a deeper level - What is it and why is it that happiness is lacking almost everywhere?
I myself am quite a happy person (I think?). I don't like to be negative for very long. There was a period of over a year that made me extremely unhappy, but that had grown from my circumstances and my hatred for my own circumstances. I took control over them and I changed them, and since I have experienced happiness again. Not many depressed people can do that. Mine was born completely out of circumstances. I don't have a chemical imbalance, but I do know several people that do, and it effects their lives every single day.
There are certain things that bring satisfaction and happiness to people's lives - are these things lacking (for the most part) in people's lives? I don't get it. Was depression around long ago, and we just didn't have a name for it? There was no 'cure'? Is depression a new thing? I don't mean to be talking just about depression, but it confuses me.
Is this the curse of modern life? What is 'missing'? Is anything missing at all? Do we no longer know how to seek out happiness in our lives? Was this chemical imbalance around in history? Has it creeped in through the development of modern life, sparking something that was already there?
I suppose I will never know.
I don't want to write down the name of the inquiry I work for here, in case someone up and finds it and leaves me feeling slightly foolish. But it's basically an inquiry into what effects the wellbeing of children and young people in England today, and what steps we can go towards making it better.
Okay, of course this is a mammoth task. But the one thing that strikes me is how Hapinness and Love come up an awful lot. Children need Love. Children need happiness. Well, don't we all? And when we're talking about happiness, we're not talking about a feeling of glee or 'happiness' that you have when you buy something, or when you eat something. Happiness is indeed something that needs to be looked at on a deeper level - What is it and why is it that happiness is lacking almost everywhere?
I myself am quite a happy person (I think?). I don't like to be negative for very long. There was a period of over a year that made me extremely unhappy, but that had grown from my circumstances and my hatred for my own circumstances. I took control over them and I changed them, and since I have experienced happiness again. Not many depressed people can do that. Mine was born completely out of circumstances. I don't have a chemical imbalance, but I do know several people that do, and it effects their lives every single day.
There are certain things that bring satisfaction and happiness to people's lives - are these things lacking (for the most part) in people's lives? I don't get it. Was depression around long ago, and we just didn't have a name for it? There was no 'cure'? Is depression a new thing? I don't mean to be talking just about depression, but it confuses me.
Is this the curse of modern life? What is 'missing'? Is anything missing at all? Do we no longer know how to seek out happiness in our lives? Was this chemical imbalance around in history? Has it creeped in through the development of modern life, sparking something that was already there?
I suppose I will never know.
Friday, October 26
Forever Itching
So I'm wondering when this itchy feet thing will ever go away, if my desire to just pack up and leave will ever be sedated. I'm beginning to think not.
Conrad is on tour at the moment, leaving me Single in London. I don't much like being alone, particularly because of the fact that it just reminds me that I want to go. Anywhere. Soon, please.
I sit around reading facebook and all my friends from here there and everywhere. They speak of Manila and of the rain and sun and school. They speak of my teenager years, of my past. I want to go there. It seems that everyone from those days wants to go back - planning quick trips over Christmas, trying to figure out some way of working there. I miss the way of life, I miss manana . Why do today what you can do tomorrow?
It's difficult when you're homesick for a home that no longer exists. When, in order to go home you have to go the 3 or 4 places at once, and still then - it will not be the same.
I know that if I left London I would miss it. I know that this will never go away, it's just hard to not feel like this when my reason for living here is gone.
Conrad is on tour at the moment, leaving me Single in London. I don't much like being alone, particularly because of the fact that it just reminds me that I want to go. Anywhere. Soon, please.
I sit around reading facebook and all my friends from here there and everywhere. They speak of Manila and of the rain and sun and school. They speak of my teenager years, of my past. I want to go there. It seems that everyone from those days wants to go back - planning quick trips over Christmas, trying to figure out some way of working there. I miss the way of life, I miss manana . Why do today what you can do tomorrow?
It's difficult when you're homesick for a home that no longer exists. When, in order to go home you have to go the 3 or 4 places at once, and still then - it will not be the same.
I know that if I left London I would miss it. I know that this will never go away, it's just hard to not feel like this when my reason for living here is gone.
Thursday, October 18
Kindred Spirit
Today is the birthday of a spectacular lady, whose loving character, humble nature and playful personality makes me happy everyday. My mom.
I've always been a mommy's girl, which definitely doesn't mean I love my dad any less. Just me and my mom are a lot alike. Conrad comments regularly on things that I say or do that are like my mom - and when we're together he just looks at us as if to say 'now I don't have to deal with just one, but TWO of you??'
My mom and I go to Alton Towers together, usually ending with her forcing me onto the most dangerous and scary ride there is - calling me a scaredy cat if I appear slightly afraid. My mom scours e-bay to look for PlayStation games that we can play together when I'm home, spending hours exploring magical worlds as a team. My mom takes me out for and Indian meal where we sit and talk for hours, eating far too much pasanda.
When I'm sick, there's still no-one better then my mom to make me feel like every thing's going to be okay, and she understands and will do anything to try and make me feel better. The same goes if I'm generally feeling a bit blue. Nothing like a good sympathetic shoulder like my mom.
Quite often you'll find my mother and I singing songs on the top of our lungs that we're making up as we go along, improvisational little testimonies to our likeness. We like to be silly together - it's just fun.
My mom is alone today on her birthday which makes me sad. I hope she realises how many people across the world appreciate and love her, even though they aren't able to tell her every day.
Happy Birthday Mom!!
Wednesday, October 3
Nester
There's something exciting about digging through the hordes of shoes at the bottom of my closet, throwing the flipflops behind me in eager anticipation of reaching The Knee-Length Boots. It's October, it's raining, and I want to be cosy. Zipping up my boots, I get a chill from the cold leather lining. The chillsome air starts feeling more welcoming as I tie up my long warm winter coat.
I walk outside in the moisture filled air and push up my umbrella. Today is the first day I need an umbrella, the first day I need my coat, the first day I wear my boots. I'm feeling cosy as I walk to the bus stop, already looking forward to the moments when I get home and feel the shock of warm air on my face.
I love autumn.
I can smell the damp leaves falling from the trees lining my street. I can taste the moisture in the air, trying to creep past my scarf.
I've decided tonight I'm going to read a book. Get home, take a bath, and read in the yellowish light coming in from the street. I realise it's time to free the blue Grandma-knitted blanket from the trunk in the bedroom, wrap it round myself while I drink tea and nibble on whatever biscuits I can reach from my position on the couch.
Greys and blacks and reds and dark browns.
Autumn is here.
I walk outside in the moisture filled air and push up my umbrella. Today is the first day I need an umbrella, the first day I need my coat, the first day I wear my boots. I'm feeling cosy as I walk to the bus stop, already looking forward to the moments when I get home and feel the shock of warm air on my face.
I love autumn.
I can smell the damp leaves falling from the trees lining my street. I can taste the moisture in the air, trying to creep past my scarf.
I've decided tonight I'm going to read a book. Get home, take a bath, and read in the yellowish light coming in from the street. I realise it's time to free the blue Grandma-knitted blanket from the trunk in the bedroom, wrap it round myself while I drink tea and nibble on whatever biscuits I can reach from my position on the couch.
Greys and blacks and reds and dark browns.
Autumn is here.
Friday, August 17
My Bizarre Weekend
This evening I will be driving here:
(Knebworth House)
To spend the weekend camping on the grounds and taking part in this:
...Noddy Land.
Rest assured, I will be taking many a photo and will share with you all when I get back.
It's going to be like one LSD-induced weird-human-sized-doll-creatures mixed with Pride-and-Prejudice-grandeur.
Ah, life as an actor's fiance...
Thursday, August 16
Just Cause
So, I'm sat here - slightly bored, slightly cheeky, slightly brimming with nothing-thoughts. Whenever I start to get a bit ancy, I have to float up a bit and try and look at it all from above, from a less-fortunate frame of mind.
The reason I haven't been writing in blog-land is because I no longer feel the need to vent frustrations and share awful moments that are going on in my life. Because there don't seem to be any! My 25th has definitely been a good year (so far!). Marriage proposals, new proper jobs, experiencing new cultures, cutesy little apartment that allows us to whisk ourselves (and any one who happens to be visiting at the time) to the heart of My Favourite City.
2. I spent a long and cultured (albeit windy) weekend in Brighton, one of the few English towns I hadn't previously been privileged enough to visit.
3. In July I was lucky enough to be invited to a traditional Buddhist Japanese wedding, in Japan...
4. And a week from today I'm flying across the Atlantic to chose myself a wedding dress in the good ol' U S of A.
So when I sit here shivering in this awful grey, windy (will we ever have a British summer again?) little office I can remember that this year has been extremely good to me, and it's still only August.
Yes, things happen that aren't top-notch. Not every day is exciting and full of treats; normal life is full of evenings watching TV shows that you're ashamed of watching, spending far too much time on public transport for your liking, slacking off at work when your boss is away on holiday, whiling away hours on facebook comparing your own life with those you knew when you were 2 years old.
But I'm so glad that when I take a step back and actually think about it, I am fortunate. I'm living a life that I would look forward to as a kid, that I know I'm being truthful to myself and my values and what I think life should be lived like. I take joy in the small things and get excited for absolutely no reason at all.
The reason I haven't been writing in blog-land is because I no longer feel the need to vent frustrations and share awful moments that are going on in my life. Because there don't seem to be any! My 25th has definitely been a good year (so far!). Marriage proposals, new proper jobs, experiencing new cultures, cutesy little apartment that allows us to whisk ourselves (and any one who happens to be visiting at the time) to the heart of My Favourite City.
Just a side note, I don't know what it is about the capital of England, but there's some kind of force that makes me, a person totally against patriotism and pride of country, feel pride and a sense of belonging so quickly. An article on the BBC the other day quoted research on immigrants in London and it was found that none of them felt English, but that most of them thought of themselves as Londoners. I personally feel that Londoners are a breed of their own; on the most part, an undersatnding, welcoming, vibrant town that seek out new cultures and new traditions whilst at the same time, maintaining an understanding of where it's coming from and pride of history.
Perhaps my favourite thing about London is that it's pretty hard to get bored. And on a weekend with no money, you can walk around and soak up the buzz, soak up the big city vibe and explore.
This year, I have been fortunate enough to travel. And my appetite for travel is not easily satisfied.
1. February saw me whisked off to Paris to be proposed to...
2. I spent a long and cultured (albeit windy) weekend in Brighton, one of the few English towns I hadn't previously been privileged enough to visit.
3. In July I was lucky enough to be invited to a traditional Buddhist Japanese wedding, in Japan...
4. And a week from today I'm flying across the Atlantic to chose myself a wedding dress in the good ol' U S of A.
So when I sit here shivering in this awful grey, windy (will we ever have a British summer again?) little office I can remember that this year has been extremely good to me, and it's still only August.
Yes, things happen that aren't top-notch. Not every day is exciting and full of treats; normal life is full of evenings watching TV shows that you're ashamed of watching, spending far too much time on public transport for your liking, slacking off at work when your boss is away on holiday, whiling away hours on facebook comparing your own life with those you knew when you were 2 years old.
But I'm so glad that when I take a step back and actually think about it, I am fortunate. I'm living a life that I would look forward to as a kid, that I know I'm being truthful to myself and my values and what I think life should be lived like. I take joy in the small things and get excited for absolutely no reason at all.
Friday, June 22
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