So who knows if there’s anybody that still exists in this blog world that is there. Funny how such a depressing post can sit, unmoving, relentlessly depressing, until someone decides it’s time for it to be put to bed.
Life is good. Incredibly hard, painful, teeth-pullingly excruciating at times… But good. I have started to believe powerfully in prayer. I pray for self-improvement. I pray for strength when things just aren’t happening the way I thought they should. Good things have happened and seriously bad things have happened but seriously… How could I be happy in the good times if I didn’t know how low I could get?
So good things that have happened to me…
Back in December I applied for a job that I really didn’t think I would even get an interview for. I was back at home in Manchester for the weekend and got a phone call that put me on CLOUD 59. I had an interview. I seriously didn’t think I was going to get it... It was far too good to be true, and I just didn’t have the experience needed. I went for the interview, and realised that the more they talked about the job and the charity, the more I desperately wanted to work for them. This job didn’t sound like WORK, it sounded like something I was passionate about and desperate to become part of. Later that day, my interviewer called me, and not only told me I had the job, but that when I left the room, there was an ENERGY and EXCITEMENT that they couldn’t wait for me to start working with them. They felt I really had something to bring and that my passion was not only visible but contagious. How exciting is that?
So I had two weeks off over Christmas to get used to the fact I was going to start doing something I really really cared about. I had a great Christmas with my family and New Years with friends in the Norfolk Broads (pictures to come!).
Since starting my job, I have been happy. Not only am I seriously helping children in countries that I care about, but I’m going to be actually visiting the projects. That means that I’ll be in India in April, Russia in May and Cambodia in November. Remember that feeling I get when I feel trapped and unhappy, I feel the need to MOVE? Guess what? I’m getting paid to stop feeling that way. I’m getting paid to be part of something I really care about, and visit places I have always wanted to go. This January, for the first time, I feel okay in where I am and the fact I won’t be trapped in a little English bubble for the whole year.
Now… The bad things? I’m married to an actor. And with that, there are quite a few upsides and downsides. Downside being that there’s a recession on at the moment and the first thing to go is the Arts. Less theatres are hiring, less plays are being made, less TV shows are casting. It’s tough. We got pretty low at one point because money definitely does not grow on trees. Adding on debt from having a wedding recently and living in the most expensive city in the world (it’s true!) really makes it hard to live our day-to-day lives sometimes. But luckily my husband has a lot of talent, not only in the acting world. He has been designing and making furniture from reclaimed wood and last weekend actually sold a table. Not only sold the table, but sold it within 6 hours of it being available to buy!
We also have each other, and seriously nothing could be better. We love each other and that is seriously all we need, and sometimes all we have!
So live is good. God is good. If only we could do a little something about the grey skies up there.
Thursday, January 22
Tuesday, November 4
I do not want to be here again
Job hunting, that is.
The death plunge of my self-esteem, the black hole that is my prospects.
I've been working here for a year and a half, and my team and I are being made redundant in February. This isn't a horrible shock - we all knew this would be the case because our project will be completed. But still: I will have no job after February. Worst thing is that the charity I work for is having a complete restructure, which means that there is a recruitment freeze at the moment. Meaning: The prospects they told me I would have at the end of my contract no longer exist. Meaning I've been working my butt off doing extra jobs, volunteering myself for complicated tasks, stretching myself to do things I just don't want to do for nothing.
I feel pretty defeated. And pretty useless. Yes, I've had all this experience and people like working with me, and I'm a positive presence in the workplace, but guess what? How does that work for me on my CV? Not so great!
The worst thing is spending hours applying for a job that you just don't want to do. But that you should apply for because there's nothing else. And that is basically doing the same thing you're doing now, which you are totally bored by and need to be stretched!
I'm also not the kind of person that wants to work to make money and then that's it. I feel that work is a part of you. You should be passionate about it, it should bring out the best of you and benefit other people at the same time. Work shouldn't be a part of your day that you try to get through just so you can start life at 5 o'clock.
I'm trying not to be angry, I'm trying not to lose confidence, but I really feel cheated and annoyed. And I feel pretty useless. So there.
The death plunge of my self-esteem, the black hole that is my prospects.
I've been working here for a year and a half, and my team and I are being made redundant in February. This isn't a horrible shock - we all knew this would be the case because our project will be completed. But still: I will have no job after February. Worst thing is that the charity I work for is having a complete restructure, which means that there is a recruitment freeze at the moment. Meaning: The prospects they told me I would have at the end of my contract no longer exist. Meaning I've been working my butt off doing extra jobs, volunteering myself for complicated tasks, stretching myself to do things I just don't want to do for nothing.
I feel pretty defeated. And pretty useless. Yes, I've had all this experience and people like working with me, and I'm a positive presence in the workplace, but guess what? How does that work for me on my CV? Not so great!
The worst thing is spending hours applying for a job that you just don't want to do. But that you should apply for because there's nothing else. And that is basically doing the same thing you're doing now, which you are totally bored by and need to be stretched!
I'm also not the kind of person that wants to work to make money and then that's it. I feel that work is a part of you. You should be passionate about it, it should bring out the best of you and benefit other people at the same time. Work shouldn't be a part of your day that you try to get through just so you can start life at 5 o'clock.
I'm trying not to be angry, I'm trying not to lose confidence, but I really feel cheated and annoyed. And I feel pretty useless. So there.
Wednesday, October 29
Empowerment
Tonight, I am off to see two of my favourite women - amazing song writers and thinkers. Every day I listen to one of their songs to remind me that it's okay to be ME. Does that make sense?
Here's one:
I've been glaring into mirrors, picking myself apart
you'd think at my age I'd have thought of something better to do
than make insecurity into a full time job, make insecurity into an art
yes and I fear my life will be over and I will have never lived it unfettered
always glaring into mirrors, mad I don't look better
but now here is this tiny baby
and they say she looks just like me
and she is smiling at me with that present infant glee
and I would defend to the ends of the earth
her perfect right to be
so I'm beginning to see some problems
with the ongoing work of my mind
and I've got myself a new mantra
it says "don't forget to have a good time"
don't let the sellers of stuff
power enough to rob you of your grace
love is all over the place
there's nothing wrong with your face
Strange how I need to be reminded of the simplest of things...
Here's one:
I've been glaring into mirrors, picking myself apart
you'd think at my age I'd have thought of something better to do
than make insecurity into a full time job, make insecurity into an art
yes and I fear my life will be over and I will have never lived it unfettered
always glaring into mirrors, mad I don't look better
but now here is this tiny baby
and they say she looks just like me
and she is smiling at me with that present infant glee
and I would defend to the ends of the earth
her perfect right to be
so I'm beginning to see some problems
with the ongoing work of my mind
and I've got myself a new mantra
it says "don't forget to have a good time"
don't let the sellers of stuff
power enough to rob you of your grace
love is all over the place
there's nothing wrong with your face
Strange how I need to be reminded of the simplest of things...
Tuesday, October 21
Migraine Hell
Friday morning treated me to a lovely migraine. The kind of migraine that knocks me out for days. It hit while I was sat at my desk about to type an email. All of a sudden I couldn't see parts of the computer screen. Crap. I knew exactly what was happening. I opened up a book laying on my desk to see if I could read it, and I couldn't. White flashy lights were dancing in front of my eyes where the text should have been.
It's hard to tell people what is going on during a migraine without sounding like you're lying. To say that ten minutes ago I was fine, laughing and talking about what to have for lunch and then suddenly.. Well, now I have to leave straight away without further ado so I can get home before the nausea hits.
Migraines are not fun. I got home and slept till 7 o'clock, woke up and walked around a bit then decided I was too tired and slept for another 14 hours. I still feel a bit sick, I still have a headache. Headache isn't really the right word for it though... It's more that some kind of spiky bug has taken residency inside your brain and is pretty reluctant to get out. And the painkillers, they do not help.
All I can do is wait for it to go away.
It's hard to tell people what is going on during a migraine without sounding like you're lying. To say that ten minutes ago I was fine, laughing and talking about what to have for lunch and then suddenly.. Well, now I have to leave straight away without further ado so I can get home before the nausea hits.
Migraines are not fun. I got home and slept till 7 o'clock, woke up and walked around a bit then decided I was too tired and slept for another 14 hours. I still feel a bit sick, I still have a headache. Headache isn't really the right word for it though... It's more that some kind of spiky bug has taken residency inside your brain and is pretty reluctant to get out. And the painkillers, they do not help.
All I can do is wait for it to go away.
Monday, October 13
Saving the earth the fun way
I am not a sporty kinda girl. I avoid sport and exercise like crazy. But recently, I have been able to lose weight and not even have to think about it. In fact, I'm eating MORE food and MORE chocolate than I ever have!
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me start at the beginning.
After we got back from our honeymoon, I decided to tackle the problem that was my travel to work. We had moved to a beautiful new apartment with two bedrooms and a small outdoor space - we love it! The problem was, the trip to work became a nightmare. There was no easy way to get there, no easy route. On average it would take an hour and a half! And I only live six miles away! That is insane! My mood would slowly deteriorate and I started to dread the long haul home.
My colleague then presented a solution to me. Riding a bike! And oh people, this has changed my life. It no longer takes an hour and a half, but a mere 40 minutes to get there! And I have lost so much weight already, without even trying.
My friend was kind enough to lend me her bike for the past 6 weeks, and then something horrible happened - the bike got stolen out of the bike shed at work, where I had left it overnight. Oh dear. You can imagine my devastation.
But - to think on the bright side, it was quite an old bike, and now... NOW! I introduce my new Dutchie:
So, if you are able - I highly recommend cycling to work. It knocks off so much commuter time, frees your mind from the constraints of modern society and my oh my it helps your figure! Just think of all those extra M & M's you could be eating.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me start at the beginning.
After we got back from our honeymoon, I decided to tackle the problem that was my travel to work. We had moved to a beautiful new apartment with two bedrooms and a small outdoor space - we love it! The problem was, the trip to work became a nightmare. There was no easy way to get there, no easy route. On average it would take an hour and a half! And I only live six miles away! That is insane! My mood would slowly deteriorate and I started to dread the long haul home.
My colleague then presented a solution to me. Riding a bike! And oh people, this has changed my life. It no longer takes an hour and a half, but a mere 40 minutes to get there! And I have lost so much weight already, without even trying.
My friend was kind enough to lend me her bike for the past 6 weeks, and then something horrible happened - the bike got stolen out of the bike shed at work, where I had left it overnight. Oh dear. You can imagine my devastation.
But - to think on the bright side, it was quite an old bike, and now... NOW! I introduce my new Dutchie:
So, if you are able - I highly recommend cycling to work. It knocks off so much commuter time, frees your mind from the constraints of modern society and my oh my it helps your figure! Just think of all those extra M & M's you could be eating.
Thursday, October 2
One
I stepped forward onto the foggy street. It was not foggy in the English way – cold, damp seeping through my clothes and onto my skin and further into my bones. The mist was warm, hot and tasted delicious. Like if I tried hard enough I could open my mouth and the air would taste sweet, easing down my throat to warm me from the inside.
I did not need to be warmed. I raised my hand to wipe the slight moist from my upper lip – any attempt at cosmetics would no longer be made; the foggy city had quickly taught me that any attempt for vanity would sweat away.
The street was full of people. People who had something to do but were in no particular rush to get there and do it. A man crossed in front of me, attempting not to stare at the tall white, leggy woman who so obviously did not belong there. Another lesson stored earnestly in my mind: the innocent dress bought in the comfort of an air-conditioned mall did not translate well onto the concrete men-filled streets here.
I did not need to be warmed. I raised my hand to wipe the slight moist from my upper lip – any attempt at cosmetics would no longer be made; the foggy city had quickly taught me that any attempt for vanity would sweat away.
The street was full of people. People who had something to do but were in no particular rush to get there and do it. A man crossed in front of me, attempting not to stare at the tall white, leggy woman who so obviously did not belong there. Another lesson stored earnestly in my mind: the innocent dress bought in the comfort of an air-conditioned mall did not translate well onto the concrete men-filled streets here.
Friday, September 26
And life carries on
The flurry of pre and post-wedding days are slowly fading into pleasant memories that will, I'm sure, stay with me forever. The reality of marriage begins - and with it, more excitement that wasn't even expected.
The light pleasantness of calling him 'my husband' to anyone who will listen.
Feeling part of a strong new family that has a massive expanse of space and time ahead of us that we can fill with whatever we wish.
Making life-changing decisions together, being one million per cent happy that we are meant to be where we are, right now.
Looking forward to cozy Autumnal evenings wrapped in woolen blankets, securely surrounded by love and hope.
I loved our wedding. I loved being surrounded by people we cared intensely about. But I also love being married and calling my love 'my husband'. Being able to live life as one.
The light pleasantness of calling him 'my husband' to anyone who will listen.
Feeling part of a strong new family that has a massive expanse of space and time ahead of us that we can fill with whatever we wish.
Making life-changing decisions together, being one million per cent happy that we are meant to be where we are, right now.
Looking forward to cozy Autumnal evenings wrapped in woolen blankets, securely surrounded by love and hope.
I loved our wedding. I loved being surrounded by people we cared intensely about. But I also love being married and calling my love 'my husband'. Being able to live life as one.
Thursday, June 12
When I started this blog, I had a lot to say and I wanted to say it as quickly and passionately as I could. I have a feeling writing on here helped sort my head out, and incidentally has helped me sort my life out, too. So in a sense, I never feel like I need to spill my guts somewhere where people will listen to me and understand me, or if not at least the Internet would.
Therefore, this site will be on temporary leave. I just wanted you all to know so that you could take me off of your lists (if you have me on there in the first place). Because at the moment, my mind is clear and I feel calm in myself. No need to let the liquid fire out of heart and mind, through my fingertips and onto the computer screen.
It's funny that the times when you're most trapped and unhappy are the times when you write the best. What happens to the tortured artist when they are no longer tortured?
So I am here, I am happy and may even write now and then, but I don't feel like I have anything to write about anymore with passion.
So, au revoir. For now.
Therefore, this site will be on temporary leave. I just wanted you all to know so that you could take me off of your lists (if you have me on there in the first place). Because at the moment, my mind is clear and I feel calm in myself. No need to let the liquid fire out of heart and mind, through my fingertips and onto the computer screen.
It's funny that the times when you're most trapped and unhappy are the times when you write the best. What happens to the tortured artist when they are no longer tortured?
So I am here, I am happy and may even write now and then, but I don't feel like I have anything to write about anymore with passion.
So, au revoir. For now.
Sunday, June 8
Soon to be a traveller again...
Soon, we will be enjoying our first two weeks of marriage in a villa with our own private pool, near this amazing lagoon in Greece.
I'm not sure if I can actually wait.
Sunday, May 18
Round up, round up!
63 days to go till I have a whole new last name. All of my mind, soul, heart, health, sleep has been focused on 19th July 2008. What will I do when it's the 20th? What will I have to worry about? So seeing as I'm clearly of a one tracked mind at the moment, here are a few random thoughts that come to me as I write.
I am in some serious (but funny) agony at the moment. Conrad has taught me a new kind of sit up that has left me in PAIN. Everytime I laugh or even try and use my stomach muscles in any way, I Hurt. But to be honest it's kind of nice hurt because there are some serious results going on. Who knew that sit ups actually worked?
I guess I'm a hippy. Everyone keeps trying to convince me to have elaborate flower arrangements when all I really want is to walk through a field the morning of my wedding and pick the most beautiful, free flowers that exist. Meadow flowers. Daisies. I may still get my way, but nobody really seems to get it!
Hm. Guess I really don't have much to say. All I have on my mind is losing weight, getting ready for the wedding, and um.. Nope, I say that's it. So I guess now you can see why I haven't been writing much on here!
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